I am pretty sure I have a problem with always thinking that whatever is "next" is going to be better. Unfortunately, I get myself through tough situations by tricking myself into believing the next step is going to be so much easier. That is not so much the case with life, though.
I was SO happy to finish my semester papers. I knew all along that I would still have work to do over the break, but I conned my tired brain into thinking it would be so much better once the last semester paper was done. Wrong! I am attempting to enjoy "freedom" from school--but it's not really freedom. I am still on campus at least once a week and I still have tons of papers and research to work on. (By tons, I mean about 5 papers right now, but that's A LOT in my world.) I enjoy what I am doing and I do have a little bit more free time without the burden of class, but I am EXHAUSTED!
Why on earth am I so tired now that the load has been lightened? I don't get it. When I was an undergraduate, I remember I always got sick at the end of every semester--it never failed. I really, REALLY hope sickness does not set up shop anywhere in my body; being tired is still better than being sick. But I am tired of being tired. I always assumed the sickness in my undergrad days came from working so hard for an extended period of time and then, once I slowed down just enough, my body took over and made me sick so I had no other choice than to rest for a while.
Now, I don't have the rest option--even if I didn't still have schoolwork/research/papers of my own, I still have a family and all the responsibilities that come along with that, not to mention I am still teaching. So what is my body doing to me? Is it just sooooooooo tired that it is reminding me to slow it down? I hope that's all it is. And I hope it passes--soon! I am ready to have energy again. I will admit, I have been enjoying more sound sleep--I hope that it is because I don't have as much pressing on my mind to distract me from sleep, but my worrying self is scared something is wrong with me. Ahh the way my mind works...
On a positive note (other than the excessive monetary cost, but we're not going to go there to give me an additional worry) I have started working with a personal trainer. I have come to realize that, even though I have gained some of my old self back by returning to school, I have still lost everything that I do totally for me--so that's it! I miss my running days--and the days where I could camp out at the gym for as long as I wanted. So I am hoping that this step toward some healthy me-time pays off...I hope I don't feel as tired all the time. A little mental break with physical activity can't hurt, right?
But for now, I'm cranky and tired. I'm still searching for that relief I have been hoping for over the past semester. If anyone finds it, could you send it my way!
