My life?

Well, it's been a while! I'm happy to report that I DID pass my last comp exam for my PhD...one more to go! I have still been busy working on school work during my summer. I've found some time to relax, too, but not too much time on the computer other than work.

But I LOVE this link-up, so here I am!  Prepare yourself for some memories--and check out the song if you ever have been/will go through a deployment or any other extended separation from a loved one.  I think it's one of the best!






I know it's a little far away, and I get nervous thinking about the future anyway, but I'm already concerned about our move...next year.  I will hopefully be a newly-hooded PhD in search of a job to pay off LOTS of student loans, we need to sell our house in an area where home values have fallen, K will have to change schools with our move to another state, and (the scariest) Buzz will be going back to a billet where he deploys.

These past couple of years have been quite an escape from that.  The Marine Corps life has never been foreign here--Buzz has still been around the world (including in Norway when my dad had his heart attack and in Africa when the doctors changed my endometriosis medicine too many times too quickly and my hormones nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown).  And he still works long hours and weekends.  But he is not gone for more than 6 weeks at a time.  And most nights he's home...and, no matter where he is, he's (relatively) safe.  And I know it's only a matter of days before we turn back into a together-family again.

That is a far cry from the life I remember at Camp Lejeune. 

Buzz's first deployment after K was born was bumped up about 6 months.  He left 2 days after her first birthday for training, came home for 2 weeks, and then was off to Iraq.  After 8 1/2 years in the Marine Corps at that time, I was no stranger to being separated from him.  But that first deployment was different--it was different with a child.  It was different because it was Iraq.  He had been to Afghanistan right after September 11, 2001 but that was before my married life.  I knew deployments were a whole new world, but I didn't know how it would slap me in the face so quickly and so harshly.

Buzz joined the Marine Corps in 1997--the world was a different place.  Prior to 2001, his "deployments" were pretty much cruises around the world where he had fun and did some work on the side.  Not the case anymore.

I look back on those days when K was young--2 deployments in 2 years.  I can't believe that was me living that life...that THOSE stories are a part of MY LIFE journey.  Who was that girl?  I don't know how I did it.  I know I have been married to 3 different men in the same body--he never comes back the same.  Nor am I the same when he comes back--K and I grow together and I change through the deployment process.  But the times DURING the actual deployment seem like a cross between a big blur and the most horrible feelings and emotions I can imagine.  Luckily, I had a strong group of friends to pull me through--friends who knew the same feelings and gave me strength to make it through the days.  Days were too big sometimes back then--sometimes it was just about making it through the hour. 

But I did it.

We made it.

Our family is so blessed and I never lose sight of that.

But now, I'm scared.  I'm already anxious about the emergence of those feelings again--and having to keep them under control to keep it together to be the mom (and wife) I need to be when my family needs me most. 

I'm not looking forward to it, but I do know it can be done--it will be done.  (There's no other choice.)  And, as usual, there is music to bring me through.  As I've said before, Buzz and I largely communicate through music when he is deployed.  This (below, "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman) was a song he shared with me on his pre-deployment leave before Iraq, round 1.  It brought me through...  So much that this (listen to the last verse of the song and it will make sense) was his welcome home sign on our house...where he arrived in the middle of the night 2 days before Thanksgiving, 2007.

So, as I try to shake off these fears and anxieties that are WAY premature, I will remember that at the end of these dark tunnels in our military family journey, there is a promise of warm hugs and happy welcome homes.

First hug of the year...April 2009, after Iraq deployment #2

Do YOU remember young love...that lasts?

I'm linking up again for the coolest dance party in blog-land.  Head on over, check it out, and add YOUR song!


My song this week is "Do You Remember?" by Jack Johnson. As I've mentioned before, Buzz and I often communicate (through deployments) with music.  This was another one he introduced me to during Iraq deployment #1.  It's so cute...and it is SO US!  I have included the lyrics below...and the bold comments explain just why this song hits home this week, and every week, for *almost* all of the past 16 years.  (Holy cow--that's a long time!)

Do you remember when we first met? I sure do.
It was some time in early September
Buzz and I met at the bus stop (how romantic) at the beginning of high school--my 9th grade his, his 10th grade year.
You were lazy about it, you made me wait around
I was so crazy about you I didn't mind
He totally wanted me from the beginning but I wasn't interested.  He got our mutual friends to put in good words for him and he had very "creative" tactics to try and win me over.  It took a while--almost a year and a half--before I bought into the idea.

I was late for class, I locked my bike to yours
It wasn't hard to find ‒ you painted flowers on it
I guess that I was afraid that if you rolled away
You might not roll back my direction real soon.
As I said, I wasn't a big fan of having a relationship with this *boy* at first but he wouldn't let up (and now I'm glad he didn't).  :)

I was crazy about you then and now
Yep, he was crazy about me then...and now (blush).
The craziest thing of all,
Over ten years have gone by
16 years! (With a little break during my college and his early Marine Corps years)
And you're still mine,
Still together.  :)
We're locked in time
We're still young at heart!
Let's rewind

Do you remember When we first moved in together?
The piano took up the living room
Well, when we got married, we didn't have a piano but we had the tiniest base housing--our living room didn't have much furniture but the place was so small that it was full.
You'd play me boogie woogie, I played you love songs
You'd say we're playing house, now you still say we are.
When we were newlyweds, on many occasions, I would say I felt like we were playing house--it all felt so strange, in a good way.  And, as I say, we're still young in our own minds, and now I still say it feels like we are playing house.  (But I LOVE it!)

We built our get away up in a tree we found.
We felt so far away but we were still in town.
Now I remember watching that old tree burn down
I took a picture that I don't like to look at.
I have to get a little metaphorical with this one, but here goes...We used to "get away" to random places.  When we were first married, we lived in Newport, RI.  I was homesick--very homesick.  We would go for drives to "calm me down" and get my mind off of things.  Buzz used to take me on what he called "the mansion tour" in RI.  (If you've never been to Newport, it has a couple of streets with INSANE mansions, including the one where The Great Gatsby was filmed.)  So, we felt very far away on these little get-aways, but we were just a few miles from our tiny base house.  As far as the burning down, the metaphor stretches a little further...I remember when Buzz started deploying after we were married.  I felt like all of those memories of random drives to calm me down just faded away--and it really did hurt me to look at pictures that reminded me of when he was there.  (I know, I'm a weirdo--lots of people hold onto things to make their deployed husband feel closer, but to me, that was too hard to do.)

Well, all these times they come and go
And alone don't seem so long
Over ten years have gone by
We can't rewind,
We're locked in time
But you're still mine.
With all the ups and downs, we're still together.  Lots of people (even us at times) thought it couldn't be done...but we're going strong!

Do you remember?

Where do we go from here?

It's a full year (at least) until we move yet again.  But the talks and the hypothetical plans have already begun.  The what-ifs are piling up and driving me banana-sandwich (to use one of my fave Dane Cook phrases).  WHY are we doing this to ourselves?  And WHY can't we just be used to this by now?  Maybe because of my new position and need for a job--a career?  Maybe because we are hoping to retire in at least the general area of our next duty station?  I don't know why things seem more stressful this time--and it's not even "time" yet.  Good grief!

What worries me the most about all of this is that once we leave our civilian-town bubble again, I know what happens--the deployment cycle shows its ugly face again.  I can barely even stand the thought of that cycle becoming a reality...again.  I have never forgotten the challenges that go with every step of the deployment process.  Mostly, I can't shake the feeling of the empty tears that don't bring him home any sooner or how every time I say goodbye and drive home, I sit in front of our house bawling my eyes out and not wanting to go through the door because I feel like once I step foot into that house without him, it becomes real--I'm without him for far too long.

There are so many good things to look forward to in this next year and I'm working on living in the moment and soaking up all the togetherness that I can.  Unfortunately, there will still be a lot of separations during this time--as I write this I am in a different state and have been without him about 5 days and have a few more before we reunite.  No big deal--it's a week, right?  And we usually bicker a good portion of the time we are together anyway.  Hahaha!  But it's these separations (piled onto the dark cloud of the unknown of our future moves, etc.) that won't let go of those nagging feelings of being apart for so long.

[Deep breath.]  This only makes us stronger.  I think I can.  I think I can...

Moon-Flavored Ice Cream

This evening, with the beautiful weather on our side, we decided to go get ice cream.  Buzz, K, K's friend, and I made our way to Bruster's.  YUM!  As we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed the full moon rising and Buzz told me that this weekend the moon is brighter than it's been in 20 years!  It is BEAUTIFUL!  This excursion, of ice cream and moon-gazing, took me back...  Do you have any of those memories that are so personal and special and warm your heart?  Do they get triggered randomly and take you back?  I do.  And eating ice cream under the moon brings back two such memories.

THE MOON
How can the moon be personal?  In oh so many ways... When I was a little girl, I remember my dad taking me out to look at the moon.  It was one of our "things."  It was so simple, yet so special.  I will never forget that--just like I will never forget him throwing me over his shoulder and us arguing over whether I was a sack of sugar or a bag of potatoes, or him playing the guitar singing me songs on our front porch before I went to bed...

Then, when a special aunt moved away when I was a little older (she reappears below) she reminded me that we could look at the moon at night.  And, since we were both looking at the same moon, we wouldn't feel so far away.  When Buzz went to boot camp and OCS, we tried looking at the moon at the same time, but it wasn't always up in the summer sky.  So, we (well, I did--I'm sure his schedule didn't always permit) looked at the sky every night at 9 pm.  I remember times when I would be out and about with friends and realize the time and dart out the door to have a moment with the moon and/or sky--and, for that moment, we were together.

When Buzz deployed for the first time after we became parents, K shared this love of the moon.  I can still see her tiny finger pointing and hear her barely-1-year-old little voice yelling "moooo, moooo."  I cherished those moments, reminded of my special times with my dad and Buzz and my long-distance relationships.

So, the moon tonight was even more special for me.  I called it to K's attention, though she wasn't as excited over it as she used to be.  I just called my dad to make sure he sees it.  :)

THE ICE CREAM SUMMER
That special aunt I just mentioned (B) moved to and from my hometown many times during my childhood--and so did her grandson, my second-cousin and best friend growing up (M).  One summer, both M and B lived in my hometown.  I stayed with my grandmother while my parents worked--after school and all day during the summers.  (My grandmother, for the record, is an absolutely amazing person...K is named after her.)  This particular summer when my aunt and cousin were in the 'Noke, M, M's mom, B, my grandma, and I went out pretty much every single day of the summer.  I have little recollections of exactly what we did--other than just being together and the fact that we ALWAYS went to Baskin Robins for ice cream.  We went there on the way to or from all of our other stops.  M and I always got this strange bubble gum ice cream and the other ladies thought it was gross and crazy.  I can't quite remember how we would chew the gum that was mixed in the ice cream while still eating that ice cream...but we did.  And I loved every day of that summer...we still call it The Ice Cream Summer.  It was a blessing, having such special people in my life--at the same time--every day.  I loved being dropped off at my grandma's excited for what the day would hold and what adventure we would go on each day.

That's it.  They may sound simple and these may be typical Beth-story-ramblings...but tonight, they were real again and to say those memories are heartwarming would be a huge understatement. 

The moon tonight from my front yard (I need a better camera)

The moon was but a chin of gold

A night or two ago,

And now she turns her perfect face

Upon the world below.

Her forehead is of amplest blond;

Her cheek like beryl stone;

Her eye unto the summer dew

The likest I have known.

Her lips of amber never part;

But what must be the smile

Upon her friend she could bestow

Were such her silver will!

And what a privilege to be

But the remotest star!

For certainly her way might pass

Beside your twinkling door.

Her bonnet is the firmament,

The universe her shoe,

The stars the trinkets at her belt,

Her dimities of blue.

~Emily Dickinson

My Soundtrack (and double link-up): The Better Ones Among Us

I am on my way out-of-town (again) for more dissertation research--which is another post (or 10) for another time.  But, the hotel where we stay has a very slow Internet connection, so I am going to try and get my song for the link up with Goodnight Moon up and running so I just need to link from the hotel.  I'm also linking up for the first time with Things I Can't Say for "Pour Your Heart Out" (which, by the way, I can't wait to do again).  Luckily, this post fits with both link ups this week--so I'm going to double-dip (hope that's okay) since I am so busy with work right now.  So, here it is...



(The video is a must-watch!  Great song with a great video message!)

My husband and I "communicate" through music while he is deployed. He sends me CDs with playlists he's made for me and I send him songs on the computer. He shared this song with me during his first deployment. (I could write a BOOK on the meaning of this song to HIM, but that's not my point here.)

As I continue down this tough, often frustrating journey of PhD school alongside everything else I am attempting do to do "well," I find myself taking on A LOT.  My first and foremost goal in my life is to be a good mom--which also includes being a good wife.  And this crazy decision to go back to school is related to that first goal...My goal with pursuing my chosen career path is twofold.  I LOVE teaching and think that having a job teaching at a higher level will make me happier and, thus a better mom.  But the research aspect is of importance, too.  There is so much sadness and suffering in the world that is really unnecessary.  Through my research, I hope to make a difference.  I know any difference I am lucky enough to make will be a small one.  But changing one life is an important change.  I want to help--I want to help give a voice to those who ordinarily don't have that luxury and I also want to help open opportunities for them.  As I have mentioned before, so much of my work is depressing.  I am working to bring POSITIVE RESULTS to a field where much of what we read and hear about is negative.  It's a tough process.  One of my favorite quotes comes from a sociologist/theorist: 

“…the evident genius of the human spirit lies in the hard fact of life that we, like our dogs…[are] limited in all the important ways… We cannot do all that our powerful minds trick us into thinking we can. In a word, this is the mystery of being human. Our finest nature is not our ability to think and do. It is that we do and think as we do in spite of the obstacles…On average, the better ones among us continue to think and do what they can with no assurance that solutions will be found.” --Charles Lemert


This is my life.  I'm working to be one of "the better ones among us."  I can't be sure (or even confident sometimes) that I am going to be a part of any meaningful solution to bring real change to better even a small portion of the world.  It sucks...sometimes it sucks more than other times.  I'm limited, but I don't think these are valid excuses NOT to keep trying. 

I used to want to change the whole world.  But, as this song recognizes, that's truly more than I can handle.  (And it drives me crazy just to think about it, so trying to work toward an unrealistic goal is a little insane.)  So, I'm attempting to use my skills, strengths, lucky opportunities, and blessed circumstances to reach beyond myself...and try to bring my share.

The only thing that stays the same? Everything changes.

It's amazing how simple things bring back such strong feelings and emotions.  I went to the grocery store (and restocked my TP and paper towel shelves, by the way) and had a minor flashback.  I can't believe how different things are on this b-billet.  Buzz is home considerably more--he hasn't been gone for more than 6 weeks at a time.  That's a completely different life than our time at Lejeune.  In Kroger today, I thought back to Buzz's first deployment after we were married.  I had a one year old at home, was very new to the area, and pretty much freaking out but trying to hold it together.  On one of my first trips to the commissary after he left, I was walking through the soft drink aisle.  Back in those days, Buzz had some serious issues with Coke (as in CocaCola)--he could drink 10 cans a day sometimes.  It was insane.  Anyway, I always complained about buying those stupid 12 packs--they were expensive and I hated picking up the cans.  But on that day, walking through that aisle, I made the realization that for seven months I would not by Coke nor would I pick up an empty can.  I froze in the middle of the aisle with tears rolling down my face.  I had to get it together and get out of there, but that was the first time the reality of what was happening to me slapped me silly.

(This is Buzz expressing his love for said product at Disney World last year.)

I survived that deployment, and another--and so did he.  Five days after he returned from his last deployment, we moved here...to where deployments are a distant memory.  But I still have those moments where I can still feel those feelings.  It's not something you forget--the loneliness, the sadness, the fear.  And I dread the fact that next year, we will be leaving our little bubble and going back into that world.  I don't miss it.  I miss my friends and the support.  I miss the commissary because civilian store prices are outrageous!  But I don't miss much else.  I always joke that I have PTSD from those deployments.  I hated every second of them.

But I try to keep a positive outlook.  I said TRY--and I do it much better now looking BACK than I do in that moment.  But I do see this as one way that military families have an advantage (if you want to call it that).  Sometimes, when I am really annoyed or irritated or picking up dirty socks that never found their way to the laundry basket AGAIN, I take a step back and remember how I feel when I don't have those annoyances in my life.  It means my husband is not in my life on a daily basis.  And it sucks. 

So for now, I stroll through the expensive grocery store aisles knowing that I have someone else with me at the dinner table, that my daughter has her daddy to play UNO with, that I am not alone...and I am thankful.

Time Warp

Holy moly! Where did the past 5 years go?!? I felt like an old lady today. I saw a man with a 6 month old (I asked how old he was) little boy in a waiting room today and SOUNDED like an old lady talking about how my daughter is turning 5 and it seems like she was a baby not so long ago. What a nerd, right? But it's true...sort of. It didn't always seem to be going by so quickly in the very beginning when I was sleep-deprived and she had tummy troubles. Time also seemed to stand still during deployments and various other separations. So how does it now seem that she was an infant just yesterday? I assume I'm just nostalgic for holding and cuddling with my baby girl. Now she is so independent and growing up too fast. She goes to school, has her own friends, can entertain herself... I remember when I THOUGHT I couldn't wait for so many of these milestones. Now I want to just wrap her up and keep her away from that big world that's out there...but I know I can't. And so I guess in some way I long for the days when I could protect her from everything. But I'm still enjoying every moment, even if there are skinned knees, coughs, and hurt feelings. I suppose in many ways it is exponentially "easier" now that there are no diapers, she can communicate with me, she can get a snack on her own, etc. So as I prepare for K to turn 5--a whole hand--I will keep those memories close and move on with my old lady ways of remembering the good old days and looking forward to more fun to come with my growing girl.

Thankful

This time last year, I was about 2 months into a 7 month deployment. Thanksgiving day without Buzz was when the reality of that deployment really hit me--I cried all day. In both of the deployments that I have experienced since our marriage, the long drive home after saying goodbye was excruciatingly painful. Each time, K fell asleep on the ride home and I sat outside of our house crying my eyes out--the reality of going into that house without Buzz and knowing it would be over 1/2 a year before he set foot in it again was more than I thought I could handle. But, somehow, each time I did. Once I got myself together and walked through the door, I worked (not always successfully) to keep in mind that every minute that passed was another minute closer to having him home without the constant worry about his safety (and my sanity).

But Thanksgiving last year was rough--very rough. But I had an amazing support system, comprised mostly of other military wives, who got me through. I made it. Looking back, I am still not sure how. The thought of even one more deployment still haunts me. I try to enjoy this time we have without that huge threat (though the possibility is still there even at this duty station). But I always know in the back of my head that someone else is living that reality right now--people I love. I am pretty sure not much in life is fair, but we still have to move on.
So, this year, I am really working on being thankful. I am thankful for my family and that our core is together for the holidays--happy and healthy. I am thankful for my friends who got me through all of the ups and downs--no matter how much distance is between us. I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life.

I can't say enough how happy I am that Buzz is here with us again for the holidays. I have never been a big fan of the holiday season. Ever since I can remember, it depressed me. I don't know why--maybe the stress, the cold? But I am working on turning that attitude around. I hope I can make K a big fan of the holidays and teach her to be thankful for all the blessings in her life. I hope the three of us have 100 more happy, healthy Thanksgivings together (which would make me 129 years old, so if someone in the biological sciences could please help me out with that, that would be amazing). :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Deployment...

Deployment is one of the toughtest things military families go through. Through my personal sociological research, I have focused on well-being issues of military families, particularly military wives. A fellow researcher and I had planned on writing a book to tell the stories of military wives through deployments. Well, publishers weren't very interested and now I am on the journey to complete my education with a PhD so I don't have nearly as much time or energy left for the pursuit at the current time. However, I still have a blog up and running for people to connect and tell their stories of deployment....
http://deployment2010.wordpress.com/ .