Say hello to my old friend, rambling insanity

The Recent Past

Yesterday:

We bought a new car to replace the one that was totaled from the storm.  Exciting--the new car smell is, but beyond that, not so much.  Another car payment...plus, we got a good deal on a new car with some dents from hail damage, so the dents stress me out--but we got so much off (along with the extremely low new car interest rate, warranty, and no maintenance for a few years--which is good since we just put new brakes, tires, battery, etc. into the totaled car) we figure we can do some paintless dent repair and still come out ahead. AHHH!  [Deep breath]

2 days ago:

I came back home from visiting my mom who is recovering from her double knee replacement, after I took her to her first post-surgery doctor's appointment.  I am so happy I was able to be a part of that.  I'm glad she is doing so well, but I hated to leave while she is still in the inpatient rehab center.  I also want to start a movement to raise awareness for the life-altering affects of arthritis and joint replacement surgery.  (My mom now has 3 artificial joints--she also had her hip replaced the year I got pregnant.)  My mom is amazing and doing better everyday.  Her strength and speed improved so much in the short time I was there.

A week ago:

I helped my mother to walk.  It's a tough thing to see such a strong person you love so much in such a helpless physical condition.  I am so proud of her progress. She is not (and never was truly) helpless.  She is so amazing.  In order to get there to see her, I had to speed through my final semester papers.  I put a lot of work and thought into them, but I always stress that it's not good enough.

10 days ago:

I won the award for excellence in graduate for my Department for this year.  Proud?  Yes, I am so honored.  But this was still a stressful situation for two reasons:  1.  I was not there to accept the award.  My name was not on the email invitation to the event.  How embarrassing!  Not my fault, but still a humiliating spin to what should be a great day.  2.  I am seriously stressing out over my comprehensive exam in research methodology which I will take next week.  How humiliating is it going to be if I fail that exam after being recognized with such an award?

15 days ago:

A hail storm totaled my (now old) car and wrecked our house.  It was scary.  I am still worried about literally continuing to pick up the pieces from that disaster.  But I am still so very thankful that we were so blessed to be safe.  My heart goes out to others whose lives were damaged (where it was just our property) by the natural disasters two weeks ago.

The Near Future

Today:

I should be studying right now.  I have a house to clean, a child to play with, dogs to walk, papers to grade, final grade reports to submit, emails to answer...  And I'm waiting on the air conditioner repair guy to come because that is broken, too (but not because of the storm--because it's the original central air unit from when the house was built, in 1988).

Tomorrow:

Buzz goes out of town for the weekend for work, leaving me with no extra help and no extra hands to get everything done and try to adequately prepare for the upcoming exam.

This weekend:

I am missing a friend's wedding (in my hometown) because I can't get away from the studying.  K has a birthday party to attend, I have study group for the exam, I must study individually for the exam, and final grades are due for the classes I teach.

A week from today:

I must take the comp exam.

8 days from today:

I hope to go home for the weekend to visit my mom.  She should be home by then.

The rest of May:

I have data to analyze for a research partner for conference presentations and articles.  I am also supposed to be working on 1-2 more papers with a professor at school.

June:

I hope to read a handful of fiction novels.

July:

Buzz is gone most of the month for work.  Depending on whether or not I pass the comp next week, I will either be retaking that exam or taking my final comp exam in my substantive area in late July/early August.  My dissertation proposal will be due soon--hopefully in August because that will mean I passed both exams on the first try.  AHHHH!  [Another deep breath]

The Not-Far-Enough-Away, Yet Too Far Away
and Fraught with Worry Future
What will happen at this time next year?  Buzz will likely be off to Missouri for about 6 months.  But what about K and me?  Where will we be?  I don't want her to have to go to 2 schools in 1 year if we can help it.  Will we sell our house?  Will I be done with my PhD (yeah right)?  Will I have a job?  If I get a job, will it be close to Buzz's next duty station (which we will not find out about until he is done in Missouri)?  What curve ball with the Marine Corps throw at us this time?  There's always a curve ball.  I'm a planner.  But I can't be in military wife life.  And now that I am ready to start a career of my own, it's even harder.  Not to mention my daughter and her well-being is involved--and the #1 priority.  I don't know what to do--because I don't know what will be happening.  I'm worried and nervous.  I'm scared.  The only certainty is that Buzz will deploy again--my least favorite certainty.  The rest is up in the air.  I don't do well with up in the air--this is my family, my life.  [Oh yeah, more deep breaths...]

The Right Now

I am doing another double-dip link-up (hope no one minds) to pour my heart out (above) and share my song for the week (below) which describes just how I feel about this whole mess of a situation.  I want time to blog more (I want to do a lot of things more, like play with K more often and for longer, read fiction, watch movies...), but my roller coaster of a busy life, with military, motherhood, work, school, natural disasters, and other family responsibilities thrown in, has put me on leave most of the time.  But I love these two link-ups.  So, I think the song below nicely sums up how I am feeling right now.  I WANT to do all of these things (well, I don't WANT to take exams, but I have a strong desire to finish my PhD, so that goes along with it) but I feel like time is constantly beating me over the head--especially when everything seems to happen all at once.  So, I do think I'm out of my mind BUT tomorrow's just another day, and (as a defense mechanism, I have decided) I don't believe in time. 

Head over to

to pour your heart out and read some other great blogs

AND

Check out

for links to the best dance party in blog-land and to add YOUR song!

Can't no body take my pride--No hail gonna hold us down, oh no!

I'm linking up again with

for the "What's Your Song?" Link-up

I had already picked out this song in honor of my mom. She had her double knee replacement two days ago. She's one tough cookie! This is another one of my favorite songs for many reasons. It has brought me through deployments and trials of grad school. Beyond the metaphorical sense, however, I think it is quite appropriate for my mom in the physical sense--as she struggles to stand and move on to a better life.

BUT, now this has another meaning. First of all, my heart goes out to all of the people devastated by last night's storms. The people in Alabama, in particular. My family is so lucky that we are dealing with headaches--instead of heartaches. In the midst of a very stressful time (including mom mom's surgery, a stupid sinus infection and the end of another semester) we were touched by this devastating storm. Again, we're the lucky ones...

 Hail

 Our siding

 Hail in K's hand--an hour after the storm

 More (or less) of our siding

Hood of Buzz's car

My windshield

 Our driveway

 Our street

 Hail (last night)

 More hail (last night)

Our first step outside after the storm last night...steamy with a strange smell--very creepy

So, in pursuit of putting back the pieces to our possessions (which I am so very thankful that's all we have to do) in the midst of an already stressful time...in honor of my amazing mom...in honor of the people who are dealing with so much more than we are from this natural disaster...and for anyone who needs a pep talk, the words of this song ring clear and true.  STAND!

To My Daisy Duke

Dear Daisy,

As my youngest "child," I cannot believe that you are turning 3 this week.  In honor of your birthday, I would like to write you a note expressing my true feelings for you.  I know that it often seems that I can't stand you--and I know most of the other humans in our life accuse me of not loving you at all, or at least not loving you as much as Sampson.  Well, Daisy, my apologies.  I DO love you...a lot.  But maybe those perceptions come from some of our more crazy adventures together.  Like when you provoked one of the most humiliating days of my life by eating the bathroom trash.  You had done this many times before, but you never took out an entire trash can in one sitting.  So, I had to take you to the vet to induce vomiting of some very personal products.  And then, after getting myself back together from that embarrassing trip, you ate Daddy's decongestant nose spray which required another vet trip less than a month later--thankfully when you ingested cough drops and my thyroid meds, you did not require medical attention.  But I forgive you.  I have just accepted that I am the laughing stock of our vet's office.  It's fine.  And I've forgiven you for digging, chewing up non-toy items, scratching our front door, scratching our family and friends in your excitement, busting humans' noses and lips from jumping in your excitement, nearly pulling my arm out of socket on multiple walks when you see an animal, excessive crotch-sniffing, barking at everything that moves within a 100 yard radius of our house, and for having to rush home from school after you killed one baby bunny and injured this one...(in your defense, those rabbits really should know by now to take their families elsewhere).

I've also come to accept that in order to play with Sampson or give him any amount of rubbing, I must lock you outside.  Sampson seems to have forgiven you for never letting him have a toy of his own.  I now accept that I cannot do sit-ups or push ups without the extra weight of your head or paw on my body.  I am glad that we have finally found the right dose of calm down pill for our many trips so you no longer vomit in the car over, and over, and over again.  I no longer mind that your hair fills up vacuum cleaners and weaves itself into my clothes...and food.  Speaking of vacuums, I have come to the realization that you may never stop attacking them when I am trying to clean--and that you may always attack toys that move. 

And, despite all of these issues, I am so glad you are part of our family.  I know your entrance into this world was rough--with a sick mommy who literally lived to nurse you and your siblings before crossing the rainbow bridge herself.  I'm not sure how you grew so big--we were expecting you to be so much smaller...but that's just more of you to love, right?  However, you are not lap-dog size...but thankfully our friends are dog people, too, and accept your massiveness lovingly.

I want you to know that I appreciate the love that you show us all, no matter how socially awkward and strange it may be.  It's nice that you come when called--or even when you hear your name spoken from another room.  It is so amazing that you "crate up" with no hesitation and seem happy to do it.  I appreciate that fact that you are protective of our house, even though your gentle-giant-self would be scared senseless if someone entered the house--particularly if it was a man since you seem to fear human males.  I am thankful that you allow Sampson to use your butt as a pillow on a regular basis.  I love the way you let K dress you up and never complain. 

I know I can enjoy quiet during your nap times from about 2-4 (which you never gave up when K stopped napping) and every night after you put yourself to bed at 9 pm (even if it is on the furniture or my bed--but I am glad you are polite enough to respect off-limits furniture). 

You are a good dog, Daisy Duke, no matter what I or anyone else says in the heat of irritation or any other time.  You are a unique--one of a kind--furry member of our family.  I'm sorry we can't provide you the hunting life you want so bad--I know you would be good at that, if you had the opportunity other than with the wildlife in our backyard.  Your pointing stance is excellent...even when sitting.

I can't imagine how boring our lives would be without you.  And please know that we wouldn't laugh at you if we didn't love you so much...it's just the way we roll around here.  You know we've bonded over the #1 thing we have in common--our love for Sampson.  :)  He loves you, too...though he doesn't always show it.  Unless hiking his leg to pee on you is a sign of love.  Maybe he's trying to mark you as his territory?  Either way, Daisy, you have brought love, joy, and laughter into our lives.  You are sweet and cute--and if those things are overbearing, well, so bit it.  Happy birthday, my Crazy Daisy!  I DO love you!  ;)



(Baby Daisy-late 2008/early2009ish)





Paying it forward?

"A life lived for others is the only life worth living." ~Albert Einstein


We all know the meaning of paying it forward, right? Earlier this year (I think--it could have been the end of last year--I have no concept of real time anymore, but anyway), I signed this petition-thing on Facebook to do something nice for someone the next day which was supposedly "Pay it Forward Day." Now, I am the type of person whose conscience speaks WAY louder than anything else, so knowing that I signed this thing meant that I HAD to do something nice. What a great thing, right? Maybe for anyone else on the planet, but not necessarily for me...


I woke the morning of the supposed "Pay it Forward Day" (note, I have seen the same thing going around Facebook again--I know there's not national holiday for this event, but still) and I told myself, I must pay it forward today. So the day began...I dropped of K at school and had just a little extra time before my meeting with my professor. And the pressure was on. So that I would not have to grapple with living up to my deal, I was convinced I must pay it forward before this meeting. I was a little hungry so I decided to grab a bagel at Panera. And, as I parked, I promised myself I would pay it forward in the restaurant. It would be so simple. I would just pay for the meal of the person behind me.


SOOOO simple...or not. First of all, I realized I had no cash (as usual) but I told myself I could just pay with my check card--still simple, just not quite as simple as hading the cashier an extra $10 and telling her what to do with it. Minor setback but we were still good...or not.


There were no other customers in the restaurant. Crap. I was going to have to devise some sort of lunch plan. I could get cash and do some sort of drive-thru pay-it-forward-action. It would be okay...or not.


So I pay for my bagel and walk down to get my cup of water. Then, the door opened. Two men walked in. One was what I would describe as an outdoorsy-type--you know, with the big beard, plaid shirt, hiking boots, etc. And the man with him appeared to maybe have some special needs. Apparently they were regulars. All of the Panera employees knew them and they spoke with everyone. When the guy (not the outdoorsy guy) walked past, he said hi to me, too...and I said hi back. My palms were sweating now--Should I go with the original plan or just duck and run? Again, this conscience of mine speaks loudly and sometimes it distorts its messages. I felt I had to go with the original plan. I mean, what if I got tied up and did not get another chance to pay it forward? I must do it now, I told myself. So, great, back to the original plan...or not.


Since I was on the other side of the restaurant having this mental conversation with myself, I had to act quickly. The outdoorsy man had ordered while the other man sat down. I walked quickly to the register and, in my attempts to pay it forward, made a complete fool out of myself.


I panicked--I flaked.


I asked the lady if he (clearly talking about the outdoorsy man) had paid yet, suddenly realizing I am talking about the gentleman as if he was not there. So then I turned and asked him. He said he was getting ready to. And I said "Well, I would like to pay for your breakfast this morning." He told me I didn't have to do it and I told him I wanted to. In my panicking and flaking out, I became concerned that maybe he thought I felt sorry for him or something--or thought he couldn't afford breakfast or some other craziness. So I told him it was Pay it Forward Day and I had to do something nice for someone. He and the cashier laughed about how I "had" to and how I was getting it over with early...so I paid, felt my face turn 10 shades of red, ducked my head, and ran out of there. Oh, and the grand total: less than $5.


And THAT was my "good deed." Or whatever it turned out to be. I blew it. I wrecked it. I felt like a fool and called my husband, who laughed at me because I somehow always turn something simple and supposedly nice into something humiliating--at least for me.


So, what's the point here? Welllll, why must we need a day to pay things forward? And why do we have to pay it forward to complete strangers? And why does it feel so strange when you combine the two? First of all, I don't think we should need a day to pay it forward. I do try to practice simple, random acts of kindness on a daily basis to people I don't know and will never see again. Yet, I am thrown a curve ball when I sign some silly petition. I don't like the pressure. I don't really like any pressure, so I throw myself into a PhD program--ahhh the irony...


Anyway, I have recently been having some rough days for a variety of reasons. I am working to change my thinking and my attitude. And I have come to the conclusion that, in order to do this, I need to work on rising above. And one way of doing this is to make every day pay it forward day--but my focus should not be on strangers, but on those close to me. All too often, I think we all forget that those closest to us need a little random kindness, too. Now, what deviates here, at least in my case, is that "paying" it "forward" implies that the niceness will be passed along to others and this will give you some sense of satisfaction--but that's not likely to happen in my case. I am sure those I am "paying" will not even recognize it. But I must rise above. I must pay it forward as a gift to others and, in turn, myself. I cannot do this as a credit or an I-owe-you or a promise to pass it on to anyone else. I must do it to be a better person--and to maintain some sense of sanity in the insanity which is my life. I must work to find intrinsic good in being a nice person ALWAYS, even if that is not reciprocated to me or beyond. I must be the example. Now, if I can just practice this.



"Be the change you want to see in the world." ~Gandhi

Just a day in the life...

Excitement is a constant in our home. A 3 year old with more energy than I knew possible and two crazy dogs assure there is never a boring moment. This morning, we sort-of slept in, but we were up late so I was still exhausted. The dogs were doing their morning "thing" outside. Sampson usually sits on the "porch" of Kaitlyn's playhouse for a while to sun himself. I always let him and usually make Daisy stay inside so the old man can get some relaxing peace and quiet. So that's what I THOUGHT was happening when he didn't come in right away. But Daisy was totally freaking out, even more than usual. It didn't take long before I realized that the gate was open and Sam-the-Man was on the loose. I grabbed a sweatshirt and flops and started frantically yelling "SAMPSON" in the middle of my street. (In hindsight, I probably looked ridiculous but at the moment, it was what needed to be done.)

Our neighbor came out and asked if I wanted him to drive me around a little bit and said he thought he saw a big dog behind his house. I jumped in his truck and all I could imagine was the worst of Sampson making it a couple of blocks to the 4-lane road. We saw some neighbors on the street behind us outside...and then Sampson! I was SO relieved. They had called the numbers on his collar--my cell phone was still off and my parents weren't home. They called the number of the vet on his rabies tag, which was the vet that got us through so much near Lejeune. (I later found out that the lady on the other end was flipping out because she remembered us. She said "is he a boxer?" and when our neighbor said yes she said she would call all the numbers to get a hold of us. Our neighbors called back and said they had found us.)

Anyway, so we pulled up and as I am running to get my 4-legged BFF, the man holding Sampson (on a hill) lost his balance. Sampson was running free and the man was rolling down the hill in his front yard--his father in law was trying to stop him and my neighbor got out of the car to see if he was okay. I was trying to grab Sampson and run to the man to make sure he was okay. He was. (Whew!) But his head was bleeding as he rolled through his rose bushes. I felt terrible and kept apologizing. He insisted that he was fine--that he might be sore tomorrow but it wasn't a big deal. I told him I would send Sampson to help take care of him. :) (They have a chihuahua so I doubt that would actually work out.)

Anyway, my neighbor took his truck home and got the keys from Buzz and brought the Xterra so we could get Sampson in there--then he had to leave because the reason he was in his truck in the first place was that he was on his way to the hospital to see his grandma. (Then I felt even worse because I held him up looking for my dog. He said it was fine, though--he has dogs so he understands). We talked for a while and I found out that the man's wife is the HOA president--I had not paid my dues yet. They were all very nice. It wasn't long before Buzz and K walked around the corner. I said thank you and I am sorry more times than I can count. I carried K home and Buzz drove Sampson back.

This afternoon, I took my good Samaritan neighbors a fruit basket, a thank you card, and a check with my HOA dues. The wife answered the door and we talked for a while. She seemed appreciative of my appreciation and she said her husband was fine. She said it was no big deal, but it was...not everyone would take in a big dog like that. But they did and I have my Sam-man home with me now. He has been SO proud of himself, wagging his tail and looking longingly out the window. I picture him reliving his big adventure this morning in his mind.

Why was this adventure so great? He got a treat. Yes, the people that saved my dog gave him something that can aggravate his IBD. I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I was so thankful for their kindness, so I didn't ask what kind of treat or how many he got. They just told me they gave him one so he knew they were friendly. (After telling my parents this story, they said I should get a medic-alert tag for him that says something like "do not feed--severe food allergies.") :) Anyway, I called the vet and I had to take the old man in for a steroid shot. (for the record--he weighs 82 pounds now. He's gained 10 pounds since we've been here. They say it's the steroids. I guess it's just more to love.) But he was happy to be there at the vet, too. It's been an all around good day for Sampson, I suppose. And for us, too...other than the loss of money, but we all know money is no big deal when we are talking about my Sam Dog. Kaitlyn got to talk to the big parrot at the vets office. He has only been there a few weeks. His name is Bubbles and he loves kids, and especially Kaitlyn according to the staff. (This is the second time they have hung out together.) They have great conversations. K tells him that she likes his new black cage, asks why birds eat worms, and tells him that she used to be in my belly, among other things. :) It's great. One of Sampson's doctors says she's going to grow up to be a vet. It wouldn't surprise me; she's my little animal whisperer.

So that's it--that's my day so far. And it's not even 2:30 pm yet. I think I am going to pile us all in my bed and take a nap. I would say we all could use one!