Old stuff...

I'm changing it up a bit this week...taking it way back and stepping up the random factor.  I'm talking 80's cars and washing machines.  Yes, this post has it all.  :) 





I get nostalgic a lot.  Being part of a military family, I have learned to move and bid goodbye to "stuff" leaving me with just memories.  Some of those memories make me laugh, even if I don't mind leaving behind the "thing."  And, today, I'm taking it back to my first car...

1988 Ford Tempo GLS (not sure what the GLS means). 

It was reddish-maroon, 2 doors, instead of a spoiler it had some sort of fin-type thing.  It had "new" electric seatbelts, power locks, manual windows, some sort of power lumbar support button, and a tape deck that came with a sweet tape of awesome 80s music.  It was a 5-speed.  My parents bought it when I was in 3rd grade.  Little did I know I would be driving this fine piece of machinery to high school.  EM-BARRASSING!  But doesn't everyone have one of THOSE cars?!? 

It never stranded me.   But I called it "the bomb" because I felt it could blow up at any time.  And, secretly, I hoped it would so maybe I could get a new set of wheels.  It did have an issue with some hose breaking and making what I thought was smoke spill from the hood, but that was a quick fix.  The heating coil broke one year in college and we had to wait for the part.  It would overheat if you didn't turn the heater on full blast.  I fully remember driving down I-81 in the middle of winter with the heat blasting and the windows down because it felt like a sauna in there.  The cruise control didn't work when the A/C was on.  Something broke in the steering wheel once and the horn would just start randomly blowing...and it was the loudest horn I ever heard.  Ahh, memories.

I took it everywhere until I bid it goodbye my junior year of college when I bought my first new car.  We sold The Bomb to my uncle (who used it to drive back and forth to work so as not to put miles on their newer cars) for $475.  Asking price was going to be $500, but it needed an oil change at the time, so we took that into consideration.  Yeah, when the value of your car goes down because it needs an oil change--awesome. 

My dad used to sing this song "Old Yellow Car" from as far back as I can remember.  And, after bidding goodbye to the Tempo, it has a little more meaning now.  If you haven't heard it, it's worth a listen.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wish I was driving The Bomb NOW, but it will always hold a special place in my heart.  And there's something to be said for a car that's paid off, never leaves you on the side of the road, and you could care less if a grocery cart runs into it in a parking lot.  :)



And while I'm on the topic of old, funny songs and old stuff, I figure I may as well share this song as well. This is one my cousin used to sing all the time...I would beg for it because it made me laugh, and still does! Plus, he "jazzed it up" just a bit with the sound effects, which you will hear in this little tune, making it even better. :) Now, it reminds me of MY washing machine. The first grown up purchase that Buzz and I made together was our washer-dryer set. We got it on sale for like $500 (yes, for the SET--great deal, huh?!?) right after we were married at the Navy Exchange in Newport, RI. That was nearly 9 years ago...and it's still running. But that old washing machine is a lot louder with a variety of noises than it was in its new days. Hopefully it has some time left with us...but it's seen better days. And, when it's time to go, I guarantee I will be humming this song in my head for days.

Enjoy! Hope this provides some smiles and laughs...and I would love to hear about others' relationships with their bo-bo cars and household appliances. :)

The girl who stole my heart...

K has successfully tackled her first week of kindergarten.  Another milestone.  I feel so incredibly lucky to have such a strong, independent young lady.  And I can't believe how fast she is growing up right in front of me.  I can't say it happened over night.  There have been signs...  She doesn't like cartoons any more, or anything babyish.  She stopped riding in the running stroller (as much, sometimes I can still bribe her by letting her play Angry Birds) because she thinks that is babyish.  She's way into fashion.  She loves to listen to her iPod and pretend like she's making music videos.  Her favorite musical artists are Evanescence, Katy Perry, and Ke$ha.  I know, I know...don't judge, please.  I'm of the philosophy that I can't hide her from what's out there.  I heard a little boy in her class the other day singing Ke$ha, so we are not alone.  Plus, we're still all good because she still says my dad is the best singer and guitar player in the world.  So, she does have musical taste, she's just a fan of the top pop, too. 

Anyway...kindergarten is here.  And she's rocking it.  And I feel comfortable where she is.  My biggest issue is fear of all the germs she's being exposed to and the sociologist in me doesn't like that I am mandated to send her somewhere 5 days a week.  But if we have to do it, I think she is at the absolute best place for her.  We kept her at the same school where she went to Pre-K because we loved it so much.  Small classes, familiar faces.  Plus, next year will likely involve another move and all the transitions that come with that and Buzz changing billets again (ah the life of a military family).  So we thought the best thing we could do was give her this continuity while we can.  She has already told me how much she loves the school and wants to stay here for first grade, too or at least find a school just like it when we move (she wanted to have that discussion at 2 am the other night/morning).  They wear uniforms here--well, they have a dress code, I guess I should say.  But that dress code makes her look that much more grown-up.  What happened to my baby?  I'm glad for every milestone and realize how quickly they all pass...so I'm trying to eat up every minute. 

Also, she has continued with her riding lessons and has found a new friend in a pony.  She loves to go after school to hang out with her buddy.

My little girl is growing up...  But she is in this stage where she is still so young, needing just the right combination of protection and freedom.  I hope I am able to give her all that she needs.  She is always going to be that little bundle of joy I held in my arms the day she was born.  The girl who I would stay awake at night when all was quiet and slowed down just to watch her, in disbelief that precious little being was mine.  The baby who took off running one New Years Day, leaving me to not be able to sit down for the next few years.  The girl who would swing for hours and point to the moon every night.  The child who has been by MY side through deployments, keeping me sane and giving me purpose and strength.  The same child who I woke up in the middle of the night to greet a daddy coming home from Iraq, who she only really knew through pictures.  The child who, just a short time later, said goodbye to her daddy for another deployment--and asked him on webcam through that deployment why he wouldn't just come out of that computer and give her mommy a hug--who, when her daddy came home and swooped her up, she asked him to please put her down and give mommy a kiss.  The person who can comfort my dog when he is scared, nervous, or in pain.  The girl who gets more excited about my birthday than her own.  The kindergartner who, when I explained to her that I would need to be working all weekend on my exam, offered to bring me the books I need to the guest room where I will be working so I don't have to walk down the stairs and get them myself.  The child's heart bursts with compassion.  And that girl has stolen my heart--from the second I knew she existed to the moment I saw her in person to this morning when I left her at school playing happily with her friends to right now when I look forward to picking her up and taking her to riding lessons this afternoon.

So, in honor of my no-longer-baby girl, I have two songs to share this week for my favorite link-up. 

First, Jack Johnson's "My Little Girl"...the lyrics say it all.

Second, "My Wish" by Rascal Flats, which makes me tear up every time I hear it.  I know I can't hold her hand every step of the way, but I do hope that every step of the way she gets back all that she gives--and like the song says, I still hope she gives more than she takes.  I know she does now.  My wish is that she can keep her big heart and wear that warm smile even out in the cold world, where my time by her side gets shorter as she grows and I must trust that I am doing the right thing in the times we have together and I can teach her to be that big-hearted sweetheart on the outside, the same as she is on the inside--but tough enough to handle whatever comes her way.  My wish is that she follows her dreams and I can support her through it all.  I know with the life she was born into, that of a military child, many of the lyrics are even stronger for her:  it's hard for her worries to stay small sometimes, I know that sometimes she's going to have to bump up her strength in order to not have to carry more than she can hold, it might not be easy to remember all the places she's been and the people she meets. But she can do it.  She's an amazing little girl...growing up in front of my eyes...

Stop by Goodnight Moon, listen to the other jams, and leave one (or two) of your own!

In hiding...

Oh good grief, I'm terrible at writing on this thing these days.  I think about it all the time.  I love to write, to journal, to vent...and, in the past, this has been a good place to get all of that done in one place.  But lately, I've been a bit in hiding.  I have what could be my final comp exam coming up soon--it WILL be my final exam (yes, the last exam I will ever have to take) IF I pass it.  I'm sweating bullets thinking about it...ahh, stress...

But right now, I'm saturated with studying so I'm looking for things to do to keep my mind OFF the anxiety of the pending exam weekend--yes, weekend--it's 3 full days of test-taking. Ugh!

I have so much to write about...K started kindergarten, Sampson has had more "issues," I had an amazing week at the beach, I turned 31...

I'm stuck on that one right now.  I'm 31.  I feel like I should maybe be a little more successful, done with school, more financially stable.  But, I'm "just" a part-time college instructor/graduate teaching associate, I'm STILL in school, and I feel like a dog chasing its tail with money--largely due to the HUGE economic burdens of graduate school WITH a family.  But, I am where I am.  And I love where I am, if I don't think about the student loan debt.  :)  So, I missed my favorite link-up for the past few weeks with "Goodnight Moon" so I am playing my birthday song today (a couple weeks after the birthday itself) to remind me that I need to enjoy this "ride." 

'Round about my 24th birthday, Buzz got me the License to Chill CD (back when we bought CDs, not just bought music on iTunes).  "Trip around the Sun" was my instant favorite, as the first line is "So I'm singin' happy birthday..."  And, as the song says, this year gone by ain't been a piece of cake.  But neither is any year.  We are all lucky to have time to sit back (or sit up at the computer and have the opportunity to be in grad school, even if it means student loan debt too-long exams) and enjoy our trips around the sun.  One of my favorite parts of the song says "I'm just hanging on, while this ol' world keeps spinning.  And it's good to know it's out of my control.  If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living, is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go."

I'm not planning on letting go--I'm fighting through exams, a dissertation, a sick dog, motherhood, military wife-life, and all that goes with it.  But, sometimes it is good to sit back and put things in perspective.  I'm not saying I won't have a major breakdown if I fail this exam--but the world will keep spinning if I do, or if I don't.  So, I'm working on enjoying the ride right now...and being thankful that I am in a place to pursue my dreams with my favorite people (and dogs) on earth, even if it comes with the ups and downs of success AND stress.

My life?

Well, it's been a while! I'm happy to report that I DID pass my last comp exam for my PhD...one more to go! I have still been busy working on school work during my summer. I've found some time to relax, too, but not too much time on the computer other than work.

But I LOVE this link-up, so here I am!  Prepare yourself for some memories--and check out the song if you ever have been/will go through a deployment or any other extended separation from a loved one.  I think it's one of the best!






I know it's a little far away, and I get nervous thinking about the future anyway, but I'm already concerned about our move...next year.  I will hopefully be a newly-hooded PhD in search of a job to pay off LOTS of student loans, we need to sell our house in an area where home values have fallen, K will have to change schools with our move to another state, and (the scariest) Buzz will be going back to a billet where he deploys.

These past couple of years have been quite an escape from that.  The Marine Corps life has never been foreign here--Buzz has still been around the world (including in Norway when my dad had his heart attack and in Africa when the doctors changed my endometriosis medicine too many times too quickly and my hormones nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown).  And he still works long hours and weekends.  But he is not gone for more than 6 weeks at a time.  And most nights he's home...and, no matter where he is, he's (relatively) safe.  And I know it's only a matter of days before we turn back into a together-family again.

That is a far cry from the life I remember at Camp Lejeune. 

Buzz's first deployment after K was born was bumped up about 6 months.  He left 2 days after her first birthday for training, came home for 2 weeks, and then was off to Iraq.  After 8 1/2 years in the Marine Corps at that time, I was no stranger to being separated from him.  But that first deployment was different--it was different with a child.  It was different because it was Iraq.  He had been to Afghanistan right after September 11, 2001 but that was before my married life.  I knew deployments were a whole new world, but I didn't know how it would slap me in the face so quickly and so harshly.

Buzz joined the Marine Corps in 1997--the world was a different place.  Prior to 2001, his "deployments" were pretty much cruises around the world where he had fun and did some work on the side.  Not the case anymore.

I look back on those days when K was young--2 deployments in 2 years.  I can't believe that was me living that life...that THOSE stories are a part of MY LIFE journey.  Who was that girl?  I don't know how I did it.  I know I have been married to 3 different men in the same body--he never comes back the same.  Nor am I the same when he comes back--K and I grow together and I change through the deployment process.  But the times DURING the actual deployment seem like a cross between a big blur and the most horrible feelings and emotions I can imagine.  Luckily, I had a strong group of friends to pull me through--friends who knew the same feelings and gave me strength to make it through the days.  Days were too big sometimes back then--sometimes it was just about making it through the hour. 

But I did it.

We made it.

Our family is so blessed and I never lose sight of that.

But now, I'm scared.  I'm already anxious about the emergence of those feelings again--and having to keep them under control to keep it together to be the mom (and wife) I need to be when my family needs me most. 

I'm not looking forward to it, but I do know it can be done--it will be done.  (There's no other choice.)  And, as usual, there is music to bring me through.  As I've said before, Buzz and I largely communicate through music when he is deployed.  This (below, "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman) was a song he shared with me on his pre-deployment leave before Iraq, round 1.  It brought me through...  So much that this (listen to the last verse of the song and it will make sense) was his welcome home sign on our house...where he arrived in the middle of the night 2 days before Thanksgiving, 2007.

So, as I try to shake off these fears and anxieties that are WAY premature, I will remember that at the end of these dark tunnels in our military family journey, there is a promise of warm hugs and happy welcome homes.

First hug of the year...April 2009, after Iraq deployment #2

5 Minute Fridays: The Full Circle Back Home!

I'm back again for a 5-minute Friday link-up with The Gypsy Mama.  This week's topic is home...so, it's 8:27--Ready, set, GO!

The definition of "home" to me has greatly changed over the past 9 years.  I lived in the same house my entire life until I went to college--1998 (good grief).  When I say "went to" I mean like 20 minutes away.  I lived on campus, but HOME was never far away.  If I was sick, needed to wash clothes for free, or just wanted a home-cooked meal, I still had that luxury.  I even moved back into my old HOME after graduating college for about a year before I got married.

Yes, I got married...to a MARINE.  At age 22 I left the comfort of my HOMEtown (in southwestern Virginia) and all that went along with it (to move to New England--hello culture shock).  HOME had to take on a whole new meaning.  I remember my minister talking to us before we got married telling me that HOME would have to be wherever Buzz's career took us--not the comforts of my childhood dwelling.  I didn't know how that could be.

I was HOMEsick for a few years but then I managed to love my new life away from what used to be the only place I considered HOME.  I made a new HOME that could move--with my husband.  After those few years, Buzz started deploying again.  So my HOME, which I was able to finally define as the place where my family lives, had to be redefined again.  But I had a beautiful daughter to remind me that HOME truly is where the heart is.  And we made our HOME by ourselves, away from most friends and all family.  It was lonely.  But the military family came out in full force and we made our definition of HOME different again--it was right there waiting for Buzz to come home--and my daughter and I were the perfect team.

I have lived in 5 states and 10 dwellings since my marriage in December 2002.  HOME is where we make it.  But my original HOME will always be a part of my life.  Recently, my daughter told me that she has 2 HOMEs:  The one we live in AND her grandma and granddaddy's house (i.e. my parents' house where I lived until marriage).  I love it when things come full circle. 

And it's 8:32...so I must stop.  :)

For a great song and previous post on my thoughts of home, check out My home (has no walls).

And check out the other posts at 5 Minute Fridays!

When I grow up...

"Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of that journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy of the climb."
--Winston Churchill

Age 5:  When I grow up, I want to be an astronaut, a movie star, or one of those people who run the checkout register at the grocery store.

Age 8:  When I grow up, I want to be a lifeguard, or maybe an Olympic gymnast.

Age 10:  When I grow up, I want to be a teacher.

Age 12:  When I grow up, I want to be a veterinarian.

[7th grade--A friend is in a horrible car accident, leaving him with TBI.  I spend many hours at a pediatric hospital for head trauma]

Age 13:  When I grow up, I want to be a physical therapist.

Age 14:  When I grow up, I think I really do want to be a veterinarian.

[I take a biology class--not my thing.]

Age 15:  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  Why are we talking about this?

[Buzz, who I have been dating for nearly 2 years, joins the Marine Corps]

Age 17:  When I grow up, I want to be a Marine wife.

[I enter college and have to make decisions on what I want to be when I grow up]

Age 18:  Uh, when I grow up, I want to, uh, be in banking?  [Buzz and I break up as I am in college in VA and he is stationed in CA]  When I grow up, I want to be anything but a Marine wife.

Age 19:  I don't like accounting.  When I grow up, I want to be a physical therapist--that will be so rewarding.  [Volunteered for a summer at a pediatric physical therapy clinic]  I can't be a physical therapist--I'm way to emotionally involved and I would be a wreck all the time.  Hmmm, I'll be an economics major--it's still business but I don't have to take any more accounting.

Age 21:  [I graduate college and get a job as a commercial credit analyst at the bank where I have worked as teller and as a clerical assistant]  When I grow up, I want to be a VP of this bank.

[I'm miserable at my job.  I hate sitting in a cubicle all day.  I decide I need to go back to school and go back to the teller line, where I can be around people again, while I make some decisions...and start taking sign language classes.]

Age 21 1/2:  When I grow up I want to be a teacher.  I'm going to grad school to get a master's in education.

[Re-enter Buzz, our engagement, and marriage]

Age 22:  Oh good grief, can I ever have a career?

[I enter graduate program for deaf education, begin working at a elementary school for deaf kids.]

Age 23:  When I grow up, I want to educate deaf kids.

[Job at the elementary school is too emotionally draining and I can't finish that program before Buzz gets restationed.  I enter the master's in applied sociology program at the same university]

Age 24:  When I grow up, I want to do something with sociology.  I will go get my PhD.

[I decide it's time to start a family because Buzz will soon be deploying.  Pregnancy finds me immediately.  **YAY!!!**  No immediate plans for PhD school--only mommyhood]

Age 25:  When I grow up, I want to be this little girl's mommy.

[After being a stay at home mom for a year, I start teaching community college part-time]

Age 26:  I mainly want to be a mommy, but when I grow up, I want to teach.  Wait, I miss working with people with hearing impairments.  Maybe I want to be a speech-language pathologist--then I could do both.

[I apply and get accepted to a distance education program for SLP.  Buzz gets ready to deploy again.  I can't handle the program with a 2 year old.  I realize I need to get my priorities straight and decide not to begin said program.]

Age 27:  When I grow up, I want to be a mommy--and maybe still teach community college--but probably just part-time.

[We find out that Buzz will be restationed near a Research I university with a sociology program.  I apply--late--and still get in.]

Age 28:  When I grow up, I want to be a sociologist--though I don't know if I want to concentrate on research or teaching--and, first and foremost, I want to be a mommy.

[PhD school is very hard and demanding--it's even rougher with a family and all the challenges of military life.]

Age 30:  When I grow up, I want to be a mommy--why did I go back to school?  Well, maybe I'm just upset...when it comes down to it, I do still want to be a sociologist, too...I just don't know if I want to go research (most of the time, I don't but the thought crosses my mind), teaching, industry (probably not), or non-profit (that sounds rewarding).  I just want to get out of grad school, then I will work on making these decisions, based on where the Marine Corps takes us.  Wait, why is my daughter telling me what she wants to be when she grows up?  I don't want her to grow up so fast!  (sigh)  Well, back to my own school work...

Moral of this story:  Sometimes you go 3 decades with many changes and challenges in your life, you may be working on a doctorate and STILL not know exactly what you want to be when you grow up.  And that's okay.  Grad school is not a cop-out for me--as some have suggested--so that I don't have to make this decision.  I know that this field will lead me to the right thing--and give me options if my tastes change.  It also gives me the flexibility to spend summers with my daughter and I have had more at home-time with her WHILE doing something in pursuit of a career.  Complicated?  Absolutely!  This doesn't change and seems to get worse with age, education level, and Marine wife life.  Do I take conventional routes? No.  Decisive? No.  I'm not conventional or decisive except for the fact that mom is my #1 job...and everything else will work itself out.  Part of the fun of deciding what you will be when you "grow up" is the journey that takes you there.

Misunderstood

**Disclaimer:  I love my husband and all of the people who support me in my life.  I am a genuinely happy person, but sometimes, I just gotta let out the griping...and what better time then when I can

(And, my apologies...it's a long one--I'm making up for lost time.)

I've been MIA from the blogging world lately.  I literally have not had 10 minutes to sit down and write if it was not for school, teaching, exams, or a publication.  So, here I am.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of doing so much.  I'm tired of being so misunderstood.

I've mentioned before how I don't fit in--in military wife life OR in grad school life, because each is so different from the other and I'm juggling both sets of roles and responsibilities in two different arenas where neither side understands the other.  But it goes deeper than that.  I get so FRUSTRATED when people think I'm "just" a stay at home mom.  First of all, HELLO?!?  "JUST" does not belong in that phrase.  Mommyhood is the hardest (yet best and most rewarding) job on the planet and it gets under my skin when people take it upon themselves to say how that's not a big deal.  But I digress...

I AM a mom first and foremost.  This is the way I want it.  It is my favorite of my favorite roles.  But I am also many other things: 

-I am a military wife. That's not an easy job.  My husbands's job dictates not only his life but my daughter's and my lives.  He never has the option to put off his responsibilities--nope, it's always my commitments that have to give.  People MISUNDERSTAND a military wife's place in her family--and in the military structure itself.  It is hard to pursue anything for yourself in this life.  You never know what's around the corner, but you know YOU will be the one who must be flexible.  YOU will have to be the one to break plans and mold your life to his duties.  YOU will have to live in his shadow--no matter what I accomplish, he always "trumps" me in the eyes of others.  That's fine--he deserves it.  I have the utmost respect for our military and have seen first-hand how much they sacrifice and have witnessed their superhuman strengths and abilities.  BUT I wish that didn't have to negate MY accomplishments.  I work hard, too.  I keep this family together in his absence.  I, for all practical purposes single-handedly raise our amazing daughter.  And, this is fine with me because I love it.  I only wish I had more time away from other responsibilities to do more fun things with my little lady--but I feel bad for her missing out on a "normal" family life (whatever that is) and I feel bad for him missing out on fatherhood on a more regular basis.  I pay the bills--no, it's not MY income that pays the majority of the bills, but I am the one who make sure things get paid.  I clean the house, I mow the grass (sometimes, like today), I cook every meal that we eat at home.  I handle the house, the cars, the EVERYTHING that keeps us above water.  Does that not deserve some credit?

-I'm a teacher--a college instructor.  This is not an easy job, either.  It's very important but it involves a lot of work, time, and effort--and irritation at times.  It took a lot of hard work, education, and sacrifice to make it this far.  MY merits got me here.  But people don't seem to understand.  "Oh, you JUST teach online" they say.  Yes--but this is also A LOT of work.  Maybe more work than being IN the classroom--which I have also done and will be doing again come August.  Not to mention, I'm trying to work WHILE taking care of all of my at home duties--they don't shut off during "work" hours.  Or, "Oh, it's JUST community college" others might add.  What's up with "JUST" coming before all of the things that challenge and reward me as an individual?  Community college is no walk in the park.  Imagine a group of 30 people, all from very diverse backgrounds with a variety of goals, family situations, ages, etc. and try to come up with a course that can reach all of them.  Not the easiest thing on earth.

-I am a graduate student.  "Oh, you're in school?" people say with a strange tone as if to look down upon me.  Yes.  I am a 30 year old and I am STILL in school.  I am STILL in school because my husband (who I fully and wholeheartedly support) has a career that has taken me places and put me in situations that made it impossible to get this far without breaks in my education.  And when I say "this far" I mean I am working on my PhD.  A very, very small fraction of the population has such credentials.  I don't think I am better than anyone else and question this decision on a daily basis.  It's not for everyone, that's for sure!  But do I not deserve SOME recognition for these accomplishments?  Maybe people just don't understand.  I write--I publish--I work very, very hard to be the best that I can be and make a name for myself--a career for myself.

I'm also a daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend, and pet owner among other things.  I take everything in stride, though I do get down and complain sometimes (okay, a lot).  But don't we all deserve to just let it out sometimes?  To remind people that we are ALL unique in our own ways...and it is all relative. We only know what we have had the opportunity to experience.  I just feel so misunderstood so often...by so many people in my life.  My colleagues do not get the military experience, my military acquaintances don't get the grad school experience, my civilian acquaintances who haven't been to grad school don't get either. I get moved around to places that make getting the job I want, that I have worked so hard for in pursuing this PhD, nearly impossible.  But I go.  I follow.  I remain in the shadow hoping for the chance to be seen in a brighter light for MY accomplishments in all areas of my life.  Thankfully, I have an amazing group of friends and family who, while they may not understand me fully, are my rocks.  I'm so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people--especially on days like today.

I said a long time ago that I was going to stop being irritated and start being proud.  So, in my bloggity journal, this is that time when I got it out and turn over that new leaf.  So, go me!  I am so super proud that in a single day I spend time with the most amazing little girl on the planet (in my eyes), make our house (that we are blessed to have) clean and beautiful--including the yard, make sure our bills are paid, run a half mile farther than I have been running, work on a publication, prepare for an exam that will put me one step closer to PhD status, work on my dissertation project, and feed my family.  Our family lives a life with many battles and challenges, but that just makes us stronger.  We might not be "normal" by any standard, but the opporunities and experiences we are privy to on this journey are priceless.  As are the amazing people we meet along the way.  When I put it that way, I guess it doesn't matter who does or does not understand me from the inside out, as long as I can stay strong, keep pushing forward doing the right thing, and have my rocks to stablize me on this crazy journey.

Okay.  Griping done.  Stay tuned...when time permits, I'm still working on putting on my "happy blog face."

And, I'll leave you again with one of my favorite quotes that I break out when I feel like I'm pushing against a brick wall.  It reminds me that I must keep plugging along, even when the going gets tough.  Obstacles before me, beware!  :)

 “…the evident genius of the human spirit lies in the hard fact of life that we, like our dogs…[are] limited in all the important ways… We cannot do all that our powerful minds trick us into thinking we can. In a word, this is the mystery of being human. Our finest nature is not our ability to think and do. It is that we do and think as we do in spite of the obstacles…On average, the better ones among us continue to think and do what they can with no assurance that solutions will be found.”

--Charles Lemert

 

All I need to know, I learned through the Marine Corps?

*In honor of Memorial Day, I would like to thank all of those who have sacrificed for our country--and also like to think their families.*

Sometimes, I look at myself 9-10 years ago (before I married into the Marine Corps) and I have a hard time remembering life as that person.  I have been aware of the plight of military members and their families for a long time, including an awareness on a personal level since the age of 16 when I was dating a young recruit at Parris Island.  But it was not until I stepped into the role of Marine Wife that I had a taste of what this life means--all that it offers, all that it gives, and all that it takes away.  The phrase, "If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued one to you," rings loud and clear.  However, without those of us holding down the fort at home, I bet the military would not have as strong of a foundation as it does.  Military families are heroes, too...allowing the brave Marines, Sailors, Soldiers, and Airmen to perform their duties to our country with the comfort of knowing things on the homefront are taken care of by the ones who love us most.

Military wife life is not easy.  It's hard.  It's lonely.  It's stressful.  It's, at times, quite scary.  It has made me a stronger person.  I truly believe it has made my daughter a stronger person.  I also believe it has made my marriage stronger.  As I read Facebook posts of civilian friends who must spend a night or two without their loved ones or hear of someone upset that their husband is working a few late nights this week, I am reminded of the separations and the hardships military families face.  Who among our group would stress about a night apart?  Who among us hasn't prayed that time move by faster--that the months and years could be behind us so that we can be a family together again?  I sometimes have to ground myself--it IS all relative.  Just because WE live this life doesn't mean that EVERYONE is privy to the understanding of our experiences.  Just as I beg for others to understand OUR lives, I must be respectful of others.  I must be thankful that I have the experience and the understanding of deployments and of having a husband whose job comes first in our family.  Without these experiences which I often consider hardships, I would not have the ability to reflect and enjoy the little daily moments of so deeply.

I don't ALWAYS focus on the part of my life that is wrapped up in the Marine Corps, as I try so hard to define myself as an individual.  But, the truth of the matter is that the Marine Corps is present in every second of every day of my life--and it has played a huge role in makeing me the woman I am today.  So, I would like to take a moment to share some of my greatest lessons learned in the past 8 1/2 years of being a Marine Wife.

-- You can do many things you didn't think possible.  And, you CAN do it on your own.

--  Belongings mean little.  Carrying the memories in your head is the safest place to keep them.  (This is particularly helpful with moves...the less clutter, the fewer boxes, the better in my book.)

--  It is possible to overcome differences.  Marines (and other service members) can stand side-by-side as brothers no matter how they differ on any level.  We should take their example.

--  Related to the previous lesson, you can find friends in places you least expect them.

--  Military friendships are different than any other friendship on the planet.  You can have people come and go in your life.  You can support other military wives through a certain period of time.  You will likely be separated before you are ready--and may sometimes lose contact--but this never lessens the strength of your friendship, your bond, or the importance of your duty to each other.

--  Contrary to what some believe, serving your country is not about politics or religion or anything else...it's about something deep inside a person who has a call to do something most of us cannot comprehend.

--  You don't know the true FEELING of excitement, anxiety, nervousness, fear, joy and about 100 different emotions rolled into one until you are waiting on the bus to pull up after a deployment.

--  A hug after a deployment is the best feeling.  Ever.

--  That hug after a deployment does not make up for all the months spent apart, living separate lives and growing separately.  Reunion is great--reintegration is difficult.

--  Military kids view the world differently. 

-- Sitting in the back seat to your husband's career doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

--  It's not always easy to live in the shadow of your husband--especially when you work so hard to achieve and be your own person.  But, it's necessary...and probably worth it.

--  Homes do not have walls.  Home is where the Marine Corps takes you...and this changes quite often...and that's okay.  (It has to be.)

My list could go on and on...

But, the point is, I have become a different person--accomplishing things I didn't know possible through my Marine Wife life thus far.  Many people will complain (myself included) that marrying into the military took away opportunities and chances.  Though I do my fair share of complaining, I know without this lifestyle I would not have had the opportunity to live up to my potential...I never would have been challenged the ways I have been challenged...I never would have known the strength I had because I would never have been forced to find it.  Without the Marine Corps, I certainly would not be able to pursue a PhD while being a full-time mom and living the comfortable life that we do.  Without the Marine Corps, I wouldn't know all that I can do on my own.  I would not have met so many of the amazing men and women I have had the privilege to meet along this journey.  As I type this, I fear the coming years.  There will be moves, separations, deployments--and all of the stress that comes along with them.  But I know that I will have more of the friendships, more of the challenges, and more of the victories to build upon.  In my mind I fear what will be thrown our way, but in my heart I feel that it will only serve to strengthen us as individuals and as a family.  Semper fi!



5 Minute Friday: Deep Breath

This is my first link-up with

and what a perfect prompt for me in the here and now:  Deep Breath.

I have often blogged about my deep breaths (i.e. here and here...and a little bit here), so I am happy to... ready, set, go for 5 minutes on the phrase.

Right now, I am attempting to study for an upcoming comprehensive exam which determines whether or not I even have the potential to finish this PhD before Buzz's career pulls us away from here.  (Deep Breath)  I know it was a lofty goal to finish the program in 3 years, but I really want to, think I can, am trying to do it.  (Deep Breath)

But life, especially military wife life, throws us curve balls...so does marriage...so does parenthood...so does PhD school...so does the weather.  (Deep Breath)

So, I might NOT finish in 3 years.  (Deep Breath)

I might be writing my dissertation away from this place and draw this portion of this adventure out even further.  (Deep Breath)

And what makes it all the more difficult, is when those around me are struggling, too.  Like my mom, struggling to walk and be independent again.  Like my dad, whose life was turned upside down by heart surgery.  Like my 89 year old grandmother, whose amazing life continues to open new chapters for her--for us.  Like my aging dog--my best friend with 4 legs.  Like my husband, who is up to his ears with responsibility, too.  We took some collective deep breaths attempting to plan our mostly-unplanable-until-the-Marine-Corps-tells-us-what-to-do future this week.  (Deep Breath)

But all that matters...is that we are here and blessed to take those deep breaths to get us through that day, that minute, that second...together. (Deep Breath)

Say hello to my old friend, rambling insanity

The Recent Past

Yesterday:

We bought a new car to replace the one that was totaled from the storm.  Exciting--the new car smell is, but beyond that, not so much.  Another car payment...plus, we got a good deal on a new car with some dents from hail damage, so the dents stress me out--but we got so much off (along with the extremely low new car interest rate, warranty, and no maintenance for a few years--which is good since we just put new brakes, tires, battery, etc. into the totaled car) we figure we can do some paintless dent repair and still come out ahead. AHHH!  [Deep breath]

2 days ago:

I came back home from visiting my mom who is recovering from her double knee replacement, after I took her to her first post-surgery doctor's appointment.  I am so happy I was able to be a part of that.  I'm glad she is doing so well, but I hated to leave while she is still in the inpatient rehab center.  I also want to start a movement to raise awareness for the life-altering affects of arthritis and joint replacement surgery.  (My mom now has 3 artificial joints--she also had her hip replaced the year I got pregnant.)  My mom is amazing and doing better everyday.  Her strength and speed improved so much in the short time I was there.

A week ago:

I helped my mother to walk.  It's a tough thing to see such a strong person you love so much in such a helpless physical condition.  I am so proud of her progress. She is not (and never was truly) helpless.  She is so amazing.  In order to get there to see her, I had to speed through my final semester papers.  I put a lot of work and thought into them, but I always stress that it's not good enough.

10 days ago:

I won the award for excellence in graduate for my Department for this year.  Proud?  Yes, I am so honored.  But this was still a stressful situation for two reasons:  1.  I was not there to accept the award.  My name was not on the email invitation to the event.  How embarrassing!  Not my fault, but still a humiliating spin to what should be a great day.  2.  I am seriously stressing out over my comprehensive exam in research methodology which I will take next week.  How humiliating is it going to be if I fail that exam after being recognized with such an award?

15 days ago:

A hail storm totaled my (now old) car and wrecked our house.  It was scary.  I am still worried about literally continuing to pick up the pieces from that disaster.  But I am still so very thankful that we were so blessed to be safe.  My heart goes out to others whose lives were damaged (where it was just our property) by the natural disasters two weeks ago.

The Near Future

Today:

I should be studying right now.  I have a house to clean, a child to play with, dogs to walk, papers to grade, final grade reports to submit, emails to answer...  And I'm waiting on the air conditioner repair guy to come because that is broken, too (but not because of the storm--because it's the original central air unit from when the house was built, in 1988).

Tomorrow:

Buzz goes out of town for the weekend for work, leaving me with no extra help and no extra hands to get everything done and try to adequately prepare for the upcoming exam.

This weekend:

I am missing a friend's wedding (in my hometown) because I can't get away from the studying.  K has a birthday party to attend, I have study group for the exam, I must study individually for the exam, and final grades are due for the classes I teach.

A week from today:

I must take the comp exam.

8 days from today:

I hope to go home for the weekend to visit my mom.  She should be home by then.

The rest of May:

I have data to analyze for a research partner for conference presentations and articles.  I am also supposed to be working on 1-2 more papers with a professor at school.

June:

I hope to read a handful of fiction novels.

July:

Buzz is gone most of the month for work.  Depending on whether or not I pass the comp next week, I will either be retaking that exam or taking my final comp exam in my substantive area in late July/early August.  My dissertation proposal will be due soon--hopefully in August because that will mean I passed both exams on the first try.  AHHHH!  [Another deep breath]

The Not-Far-Enough-Away, Yet Too Far Away
and Fraught with Worry Future
What will happen at this time next year?  Buzz will likely be off to Missouri for about 6 months.  But what about K and me?  Where will we be?  I don't want her to have to go to 2 schools in 1 year if we can help it.  Will we sell our house?  Will I be done with my PhD (yeah right)?  Will I have a job?  If I get a job, will it be close to Buzz's next duty station (which we will not find out about until he is done in Missouri)?  What curve ball with the Marine Corps throw at us this time?  There's always a curve ball.  I'm a planner.  But I can't be in military wife life.  And now that I am ready to start a career of my own, it's even harder.  Not to mention my daughter and her well-being is involved--and the #1 priority.  I don't know what to do--because I don't know what will be happening.  I'm worried and nervous.  I'm scared.  The only certainty is that Buzz will deploy again--my least favorite certainty.  The rest is up in the air.  I don't do well with up in the air--this is my family, my life.  [Oh yeah, more deep breaths...]

The Right Now

I am doing another double-dip link-up (hope no one minds) to pour my heart out (above) and share my song for the week (below) which describes just how I feel about this whole mess of a situation.  I want time to blog more (I want to do a lot of things more, like play with K more often and for longer, read fiction, watch movies...), but my roller coaster of a busy life, with military, motherhood, work, school, natural disasters, and other family responsibilities thrown in, has put me on leave most of the time.  But I love these two link-ups.  So, I think the song below nicely sums up how I am feeling right now.  I WANT to do all of these things (well, I don't WANT to take exams, but I have a strong desire to finish my PhD, so that goes along with it) but I feel like time is constantly beating me over the head--especially when everything seems to happen all at once.  So, I do think I'm out of my mind BUT tomorrow's just another day, and (as a defense mechanism, I have decided) I don't believe in time. 

Head over to

to pour your heart out and read some other great blogs

AND

Check out

for links to the best dance party in blog-land and to add YOUR song!

The Academic and The Marine

I'm linking up again with


First of all, Playlist.com did not have this song, so I had to rely on YouTube again.  :) 

I heard this song (on my iPod) a couple of weeks ago while traveling and I hadn't heard it in a LONG time. 

Buzz's and my life TOGETHER has still been lived largely separately.  His career drives him to places I can't go and takes him through experiences I will never understand.  I had hoped I would be able to slip into a role where I was able to completely devote myself to his life--to absorbing myself in his life with his chosen career path.  I couldn't do it.  I tried, but I just couldn't do it.  It's not me. 

I was still so desperate to define myself individually, beyond his career.  I need that part of me--to be a good wife and mother--I need to be able to still work for goals that separate me from him.  This has no bearing on my love for him.  He is "the one" for me--but I must still be true to myself somehow.  It's been a difficult journey thus far.  It's not easy to make a decision to pursue something that only about 1% of the population tackles--a doctorate degree--especially when your husband's job is so demanding and you have the #1 responsibility to a child and your family.  But I knew it was something I needed to do for me, and for us.  It's challenging in every definition of the word, but mostly because even during the time that Buzz has to devote himself solely to our family, I am often still swamped with additional responsibilities.  Our schedules do not always allow for a substantial amount of "downtime" for both of us at the same time. 

Military marriages and academic marriages fail at higher rates than that of the general population.  I can see why.  So, putting these two "at risk" categories together was bound to bring tough times.  But, for us, it works--and it's doing nothing but making us stronger individually, as a couple, and as a family.  It's unconventional.  We are often following our own paths, but (as my FAVORITE part of this song says):

"Every now and then, he offers her a shoulder.  And every now and then she overflows.  And every now and then, a bridge crosses over.  It's a moment that every lover knows."

Thank God for bridges.

You can't spell EmpaThy without E.T.

Empathy-the experiencing as one's own of the feelings of another; also: the capacity for this (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, New Edition, 2004)

I have always felt like a very empathetic person.  Even as a child, I always felt like I hurt for other people who were going through things I didn't understand.  I always anthropomorphized my pets, other animals, and (at times, as embarrassing as it is) my toys.  I think an abundance of empathy is a gift posing as a curse--or maybe vice versa.  I think it is important to feel for our fellow humans--and animals--but sometimes feeling too much can be detrimental to one's mental health!  This is why I chose the field I am in--I tried the one-on-one types of career paths--of helping others who I know need my help on an individual level (i.e. working with deaf kids or kids with disabilities).  I couldn't handle any of that.  I empathized too much.  It consumed my life and made me feel way more depressed than I can handle.  So, I'm taking another route--one in which I can help people, but from a more removed level, if that makes any sense.  And the one-on-one interactions I have with teaching college kids (or adults) is better for me.  Even the students with what I consider to be "sad" stories I am able to deal with because I know that they are in college and doing something to better their lives--and the gratification that comes from helping them on that step of their journeys vastly outweighs knowing of hardships for me.

I think I've passed this empathy on to my daughter--not sure if it's biological or social--but it's there. Last night, we watched E.T. as a family. I was a little hesitant at first.  The last time I saw any part of this movie was in 7th grade, the day after my first pet (a cat) died and I sat there and bawled my eyes out as it played on the small tv at the restaurant where my family and one of my closest friends were eating--waiting for the SPCA to open so I could adopt another cat.  So, I figured my memories of the movie were overshadowed by the sad memory of losing a pet as a little girl.

But, K's empathetic nature went into overdrive. She cried and cried.  She even started crying again when she went to bed, saying she didn't want E.T. to go away.  I reminded her it was just a movie--she said she knew but talked about how it made her feel sad.  And this isn't a child who doesn't know what it means to leave a friend.  She's a Marine's daughter--she's left friends, watched friends move away.  She understands and she handles it very well--taking it all in stride.

But her feelings...her feelings are so strong and so REAL. 

So I spent the night feeling guilty for encouraging her to watch the movie.  But then, I had to stop and realize that it's not so bad.  Empathy is not inherently a bad thing--it's a good thing if "used" appropriately.  Now my challenge is to help her use that empathy positively and not let it consume her and bring her down.  Since I don't fully know how to do this myself, it will be a big challenge.  Right now, I'm proud and humbled that my little girl, barely 5 years old, can feel so deeply for another.  She shows this on a daily basis, towards other humans, towards animals, even towards the Earth.  It was just not until we watched this movie together that I truly realized how deeply her feelings run, how she can relate on such a passionate level to "others," no matter who or what those others may be.  And I am hopeful for all that her empathy may lead her to positively experience and the ways it may help her change at least a little corner of the world--she's already changed my whole world for the better!

In-between deployments

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles.  It empties today of its strength."

I'm a worrier.  A BIG worrier--about everything...and I do mean everything.  Life in the Marine Corps is a big source of my worrying.  It's HIS job, but it's also MY life.  I complain.  I feel like I have done way more than my fair share of complaining and whining about hardships and obstacles brought on by his career.  I feel bad for that, but I think sometimes we just have to let it all out.

I also have a bad habit of ALWAYS thinking the "next step" in any tough situation is going to be easier than the present.  I guess it's a coping mechanism to get me through whatever stuff I am going through in the moment.  I think that next semester will be better in school; next week I won't have so much to do; next summer vacation I WILL read those novels.  And one of the biggest thinking faux-pas has to do with Marine wife life.  If I can just get through this separation/once we get to the next duty station/once he's promoted...  The list goes on.  Specifically, through our last duty station of 2 deployments in about 2 years, I kept thinking "if I can just get through this deployment things will be better" and "once we are out of this unit things will be fine...afterall, he won't 'deploy' there." 

What I failed to recognize was how much we had changed during those two years.  I also forgot to think about the fact that just because he doesn't "deploy" doesn't mean his job is any less demanding--it doesn't mean he won't still be gone a lot of the time.  Sure, his longest trip in one shot is about 6 weeks here--but add that up a few times, plus a week or ten days here and there, a month every summer and the long weekends all the time and he's STILL gone months out of the year.  This is not "normal" in any sense of the word.

But who am I comparing myself to?  Civilians?  Students?  I have no idea.  And it doesn't matter--it's just part of that purposeless thinking and worry I impose on myself.  Now I am kicking myself for diving into a PhD program during this in-between-deployments-time.  But, I know I wouldn't have been happy if I didn't and would have just complained that the Marine Corps was putting up another barrier to my success.  And that would have been all in my mind, too.

EVERYONE has their struggles and hardships--not just military families.  Sure, ours are different, but it's time that I stop thinking that somehow I have it too hard.  I have an amazing family.  Sure, we have our problems and my marriage is far from a perfect story book, but aren't most people's?  It works for us.  Plus, I have an amazing opportunity to further my education and I wouldn't be able to do that WITHOUT my husband's career, that provides for us without necessitating that I make a certain amount of income myself.  We get to travel and meet amazing people all over the place.  I have it great...I am so lucky!

What I struggle with is the mindset of always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me.  When is all of this greatness going to come crashing down?  Right now, one of those issues is always feeling like my life is structured around deployments.  Now, I'm in-between deployments, yet somehow those deployments are still my reference frame and are still dictating thoughts, plans, and fears.  I have to get beyond that.  I don't know how, I just do.  So here's for trying to live for the moment, despite the fact I know the dirty reality of deployments will cast its dark shadow on us again...sooner than I wish.  But here's to trying to enjoy the present and finding strength in every day in-between.  When the time comes that deployment is upon us again, I work on finding that strength in THAT moment.  But for now, I'm just going to work on being thankful!

8+ years in the military life...and finally enjoying some perennials!

I've been married 8 1/4 years.  In those 8 years I have lived in 5 states, 3 base houses, 4 apartments, and 2 houses.  If you do THAT math, it becomes obvious that we don't stay in one place for long.  And that means we never truly get "settled."  To me, part of being settled is having things that I can enjoy over time in a place--like gardens and flowers.  The longest we have ever lived in one building is ALMOST 2 years--we lived in our house in Jacksonville, NC from October 2006 to July of 2008.  My husband was actually stationed at Camp Lejeune and we (mostly just K and me as Buzz was overseas most of that) were in J-Vegas until April of 2009 and those last months he was deployed, so we sold our house and moved on base for that--and we moved to TN 5 days after he returned that time.

We are getting ready to pass the 2-year mark at our house here in Tennessee.  We closed on the house on April 30, 2009.  This is the first place we have come even close to being "settled."  And I love it here, other than the allergies and the fact that we are way too far from the coast.  But I love the house, I love the neighbors, I love the area where we live.  It is the first place I felt like was more than just a house with walls.  And, though I often complain of not fitting in in this "civilian city," I know that our friends here are REAL friends.  They are not just friends with us because our husbands work together or because we are so lonely during a deployment (not that there is anything wrong with that at all and I have made some amazing friends that way--but it's just different and I always worry that people wouldn't be my friends if it weren't for our crazy situation).  But here, we are actually sort-of fitting into society...sort-of.

And one of the best parts of being at this house for an extended period of time (who outside of the military considers two years an extended period of time in one house?) is that I get to see my flowers come back this year for the SECOND year in a row.  WOO-HOO!  I have a secret desire to be active in gardening.  It hasn't happened yet because 1. we move all the time and 2. I haven't had the time to put into it (thanks to PhD school and the like) and 3. it would take a huge effort because I know nothing about plants.  But two falls ago, one amazing neighbor bought lots of tulip bulbs and another neighbor planted those bulbs in all three of our yards.  I remember the planting day...I was so excited that I was a part of some neighborly activity that did not include a deployment.  I felt like I fit in and like I belonged.  I became a real suburban homeowner in the who does these homey-things with her neighbors to make the street look nice.  In my head, it was awesome.  On the outside I just stood in my yard, made small-talk, and smiled.  On the inside I was doing cartwheels.

It was an exciting week last spring when our tulips started to bloom.  And we all talked about how pretty our shared tulips looked. This year, the tulips started poking through a couple of weeks ago...and my excitement began.  Late last week, the buds started getting bigger and this weekend the first full tulip opened up--ours was the first of the other shared tulips.  :)  And today, more are opening.  Something I didn't know before is that the tulips have TWO buds per bulb this year...and I am so happy I get to see it...and we SHOULD be here next spring to see my baby tulips have three buds. 

I know this is just a simple force of nature, but to me it is so much more.  It's symbolic of something I am experiencing for the first time in military wife life--staying in one place for an "extended" period of time and feeling like I fit in...and having my husband home to experience these joys WITH my daughter and me for an "extended" period.  (Though he's not nearly as excited about those tulips and K and I are.)  I'm enjoying it.  I know it's so simple, but I love to see these flowers open in the morning and close in the evening--the only downside is their beauty lasts only a short amount of time.  But it's here long enough to remind me of all for which I have to be thankful.

Here are some pics of the progression of the blooming tulips the past couple of days...and I've also put a link to another Sarah McLachlan song that sums up what is happening here--Ordinary Miracles, which are so much more than ordinary to me.  :)



The only thing that stays the same? Everything changes.

It's amazing how simple things bring back such strong feelings and emotions.  I went to the grocery store (and restocked my TP and paper towel shelves, by the way) and had a minor flashback.  I can't believe how different things are on this b-billet.  Buzz is home considerably more--he hasn't been gone for more than 6 weeks at a time.  That's a completely different life than our time at Lejeune.  In Kroger today, I thought back to Buzz's first deployment after we were married.  I had a one year old at home, was very new to the area, and pretty much freaking out but trying to hold it together.  On one of my first trips to the commissary after he left, I was walking through the soft drink aisle.  Back in those days, Buzz had some serious issues with Coke (as in CocaCola)--he could drink 10 cans a day sometimes.  It was insane.  Anyway, I always complained about buying those stupid 12 packs--they were expensive and I hated picking up the cans.  But on that day, walking through that aisle, I made the realization that for seven months I would not by Coke nor would I pick up an empty can.  I froze in the middle of the aisle with tears rolling down my face.  I had to get it together and get out of there, but that was the first time the reality of what was happening to me slapped me silly.

(This is Buzz expressing his love for said product at Disney World last year.)

I survived that deployment, and another--and so did he.  Five days after he returned from his last deployment, we moved here...to where deployments are a distant memory.  But I still have those moments where I can still feel those feelings.  It's not something you forget--the loneliness, the sadness, the fear.  And I dread the fact that next year, we will be leaving our little bubble and going back into that world.  I don't miss it.  I miss my friends and the support.  I miss the commissary because civilian store prices are outrageous!  But I don't miss much else.  I always joke that I have PTSD from those deployments.  I hated every second of them.

But I try to keep a positive outlook.  I said TRY--and I do it much better now looking BACK than I do in that moment.  But I do see this as one way that military families have an advantage (if you want to call it that).  Sometimes, when I am really annoyed or irritated or picking up dirty socks that never found their way to the laundry basket AGAIN, I take a step back and remember how I feel when I don't have those annoyances in my life.  It means my husband is not in my life on a daily basis.  And it sucks. 

So for now, I stroll through the expensive grocery store aisles knowing that I have someone else with me at the dinner table, that my daughter has her daddy to play UNO with, that I am not alone...and I am thankful.

The Marine Corps helped raise me, too!

I should be working on papers, reading, analyzing data, or studying now. But instead, I'm getting a jumpstart on the link-up with Goodnight Moon . This song (This Side by Nickel Creek) has been my "theme song" for life in the Marine Corps from the very beginning of my military wife life. I've included a *detailed* timeline for how this song fits into my soundtrack below. Hope you enjoy!

>1995 (9th grade)--My Dad buys our first DVD player. It plays CDs, too. (This is important and will resurface again.)

>1996 (10th grade)--I start dating the "boy" who will one day be my husband.

>1997 (Summer before my senior year)--My "boyfriend" joins the Marine Corps.

(late 1998-mid 2002...my "boyfriend" and I break up as he is stationed in California, I am in college in Virginia, and that doesn't really fly when you're 18).

>Jump to 2001ish--I discover Nickel Creek, thanks to my dad (who just happens to be the best musician on the planet. He taught me to love music and appreciate it. Music has always been a HUGE part of my life and I often see the world through the sounds of music, but I digress...).

>2002--My old boyfriend and I reunite when he comes home after his deployment to Afghanistan, which started out as a "simple" MEU float. Then, September 11 "happened" and they diverted (for lack of a better phrase). We date, get engaged, and get married rather quickly.
---December 22--Wedding.
---December 26--A young girl from Southwestern VA (that would be me) who only "went away" to college in the next city over moves away from everything she has ever known to Rhode Island. This was my first time away from home for more than a week or two, and my first taste of military life. I was welcomed with open arms, but I was very, very scared, sad, and homesick. Oh, and that "ancient" DVD player from 1995...my dad gave it to us.

>Last days of 2002--My husband and I hook up the old DVD player. A Nickel Creek CD is in it--"This Side" was on that CD. We begin listening to it ALL the time.

---My husband always told me, especially through my anxiety and nervousness about entering my new life, that nothing good could ever happen unless you take a little risk and step out of your comfort zone. This new life as a military wife was WAY out of my comfort zone. During those first few months of my new life, I met many new people, experienced many new things, and started to change...the Marine Corps and the life it provided for me was changing me in ways I didn't know possible. This song was literally in the background of many of those adventures. (My husband told me to think of my new life in the military as an adventure. I didn't have to try hard to see it as such--it IS an adventure.) The words are so meaningful to me. I molded into a girl who you can take or leave--I'm still the same, even though I've become a bigger person. Military life, I believe, brought out the person I am meant to be but who was hiding deep down under my "old" life.

---The main way this song speaks to me is that it starts out by saying "There's no place to hide and I'm nothing but scared." This is exactly the way I felt in this new life of mine. But, as the song progresses, those words change to "There's no place to hide and I don't think I'm scared." This is my new outlook. I have jumped out of that small-town-girl-mold into someone who's not scared to meet this adventure head on!

---This song also speaks to a new way of thinking. The line "Climb up the slide and then slide down the stairs" also speaks to my new perspective on life. Sometimes, the unconventional route brings new joys, even if there are some challenges and risks along the way.

>Jump to 2011--I can't believe I used to think like that girl who was scared to leave her hometown! This song remains part of my soundtrack and has been one of the most important songs in my life. What I consider to be my motto (and what I have to sometimes remind myself when I start to curl back up in that shell of taking the easy road) is such a powerful line from this fun song..."Only the curious have something to find."

Semper Fi to all of my Semper FABULOUS military friends, I mean FAMILY. :)

(That's my "boyfriend" and me before the Marine Corps Ball, 2010)

Time Warp

Holy moly! Where did the past 5 years go?!? I felt like an old lady today. I saw a man with a 6 month old (I asked how old he was) little boy in a waiting room today and SOUNDED like an old lady talking about how my daughter is turning 5 and it seems like she was a baby not so long ago. What a nerd, right? But it's true...sort of. It didn't always seem to be going by so quickly in the very beginning when I was sleep-deprived and she had tummy troubles. Time also seemed to stand still during deployments and various other separations. So how does it now seem that she was an infant just yesterday? I assume I'm just nostalgic for holding and cuddling with my baby girl. Now she is so independent and growing up too fast. She goes to school, has her own friends, can entertain herself... I remember when I THOUGHT I couldn't wait for so many of these milestones. Now I want to just wrap her up and keep her away from that big world that's out there...but I know I can't. And so I guess in some way I long for the days when I could protect her from everything. But I'm still enjoying every moment, even if there are skinned knees, coughs, and hurt feelings. I suppose in many ways it is exponentially "easier" now that there are no diapers, she can communicate with me, she can get a snack on her own, etc. So as I prepare for K to turn 5--a whole hand--I will keep those memories close and move on with my old lady ways of remembering the good old days and looking forward to more fun to come with my growing girl.

Job Talking, sort of

I HOPE to finish my PhD next year--Spring of next year, to be exact. So, I am thinking about the job market. And in that thought process, I am HOPING that I will get interviews...at places I want to work. And all of this means thinking about job talks. Just the sheer term irritates me. I mean, if you are giving or listening to a "job talk," you are a scholar and have made it to a place that such a small fraction of the population reaches, educationally speaking, and the term for this stressful, life-altering event it "job talk." Anyway, it worries me and I am already stressing out about those 7 letters of a term that could potentially alter my life in great ways.

Part of my issue with anything school/work related is that it sets my schizophrenia in motion. No, I don't think I have THAT bad of a disorder. I, personally, always feel like one person--a culmination of the individual who wears all of the hats that I wear. But in so many situations, I feel like I am forced to just take on one of those roles. To me, that's a lie. I'm not JUST a student or teacher or military wife or mom (though I wouldn't mind "just" being a mom--that's my primary role, I believe, and it is so awesome I could eat it up, but I digress). I am ALL of these things combined. And I think that's what makes me me. So, why do I spend so much effort trying to fit into just one of these categories? Why must I spend a job talk just talking about my school/work life? I, personally, think that being all of the things that make me who I am makes me that much more impressive of a candidate. No, I don't always handle things "gracefully" or without minor breakdowns, but I do think that sometimes I deserve a pat on the back for doing all that I have done and continue to do and will do in the future with all that's on my plate. I don't want pity--I don't need praise. I have chosen each of my duties because it's what I want to do--and without any portion of that I would lose a certain part of myself. So, I think just the mere recognition is what I would like. Since I likely won't get that, as the world of academia does not really fit with such a plan, I will give the beginning of my job talk (a year or more in advance) that I will never be able to share, but want to so bad, right here...

My name is Beth, but I will answer to "mom." I [am hoping to very soon] have received my PhD from the University of Tennessee. But, that's not really as big of a deal as my amazing daughter. She is MY teacher and she makes my world spin. So, I will be absent from this position any time she needs me to be. I also have two dogs [hopefully Sampson will still be around during this process] who call me mom. I will often be covered in dog hair--please excuse the mess. I am married to a Marine. The Marine Corps has largely dictated my life for nearly a decade. I have lived in 5 states, only moving out of my hometown once I married into the Marine Corps. I will be absent should husband leave and come home from another part of the world. I have been teaching for over 5 years now and I love that experience--it is the most rewarding job I have had outside of my family. You may be wondering about my research, and I will get to that in a minute, but before I do, I want you to know that, in the midst of this teaching and researching, I have done many other things. I have given birth. I have been a single mom while I sent my husband away to fight a war and perform other services to our country and others. I have spent nights in the ER--human and dog--with a sick kid. I have kissed boo-boos all better. I have given home health care to a dog. I run a household pretty much on my own. I have bought and sold houses, also largely on my own or with the help of a power of attorney. I have worked--sometimes two jobs at a time--to get to where I am in my educational journey. My husband loves something else as much as he loves me--service to his country. I don't get jealous; I try to take it in stride; but sometimes I cry. I didn't think I could make it to this place in my life, giving this job talk in front of you all, and I had obstacles. Without the support of my family, I wouldn't be here today. So, as you listen to the summary of a dissertation that took me years to finish, please know that this is not what defines me. It is a part of the larger puzzle which is Beth.