Lonely or Free?

Oh.my.goodness.  I've found it.  The book…I mean, THE book I have been looking for at least for the past 6 years, possibly my whole life.  It is not often that I am truly amazed by someone's writing (unless it's academic…nerd alert).  But it.has.happened!  One and Only by Lauren Sandler (2013, Simon & Schutzer) both says everything I want to say and tells me everything I have been longing to hear (and she's done her homework…it's not just lip-service).  I just started the book and it's already on my top books of all time list.  I was wondering how I was going to document all of the quotes I don't want to forget…so I decided to do it here.

I've been open about my struggles being an only child and the tough decision to have only one child (which I still struggle with on a regular basis)…I've even touched on the subject here.  It IS a continuous struggle.  As my parents grow older (and have life-altering "health events" like my mom's multiple joint replacements and my dad's heart attack and bypass surgery), seeing my friends lose their parents, witnessing my friends with siblings share in parenthood and become friends, hearing my daughter talk about being singled out (no pun intended) for being an only child, wondering how K's life  would be different if she had a sibling, hearing the evil/rude/disrespectful/ignorant comments from others about my decisions (both crushing me and insulting me…families are not one size fits all, people!)…. It's a constant internal battle for me.

I've known, pretty much since I got pregnant, that I would only have one child, despite my CERTAINTY I wanted a big family before I actually created a child.  I was not a good pregnant person.  I felt like crap.  I had a c-section that went all kinds of crazy (resulting in a postpartum hemorrhage that went undiagnosed, but that's for another time).  Buzz never wanted another child.  I did.  He didn't.  I "gave in" to "only" having one because I figured one child was enough strain on our marriage and he wanted that one.  If we had one only because I forced the issue, and our marriage went really south, that would not be good for K or her hypothetical sibling.  Plus, I wanted a career.  I HAVE an amazing career--but I was still able to spend the years before school exclusively with her, and now I have a schedule that compliments her school schedule so I still have the mommy time she needs--I need.

People call me selfish, but working is something that I need to be a mentally healthy person.  I feel like being "together" as a mom (well, as together as I get) is of the utmost importance to being a good mom--and I don't think that is selfish.  People tell me K is only as good as she is because I "only" have one--implying my life would be a total disaster and K would be a terrible person otherwise?  People have accused me of "not liking" mothering.  ON THE CONTRARY!!!  Being a mom is my most favorite, most important, BEST part of my life.  But, there are still other parts of me--and I think those parts help me be a total person, a better mom.

When I really looked deep at why I wanted another child, it was more of a longing for more of each stage with K (rather than wanting another human in my womb or in my home).  I found this blog post recently, which sums up my thoughts on that.  Looking back, though I sometimes "wished" time away (mostly because I was single-parenting with a husband in Iraq), I NEVER neglected to stop and soak up the moment.  I held her.  I watched her.  I held her some more (and was criticized I was making her too dependent--people really do need to mind their own business).  I cherished every day…I felt (and continue to feel) like the most blessed mommy on the face of the planet.  And seeing her grow up warms my heart and breaks it (a little) at the same time.  But having another child will not change that…  My family is complete.

So, back to the book…  Lauren Sandler (who I fully intend to email myself once I am finished with her work of excellence) is both an only child and a mother to an only child.  She is a journalist who cites personal experience and research on only children (and the mothers of them).  For the first time, I feel like someone gets it…gets me!  She does not preach that having an only child is THE thing to do, but recognizes that, as I have said before, families are not one size fits all.  She works to debunk the old, OLD (and stupid) myths of the only child.  I highly recommend this book not just for only children, but for anyone…it offers a unique perspective to a group of people who have been put down for far too long with zero foundation for the negative arguments.  Thank you, Laruen Sandler!  :D

Here are the paragraphs that pulled me in (and I am sure I will be back to share more), from the Introduction pages 7-13:

"In surveys that ask young women how many children they'd like to have, ultimately and ideally, no one says they'd choose to stop at one child, he [sociologist Phillip Morgan at the Carolina Population Center] tells me.  To me, that's like asking a tween girl what her perfect wedding looks like… Our ideals change in concert with our emerging realities--even more so if, as we develop, we opt to interrogate what we thought we wanted, and why we thought we wanted it.

Here are some things I want:  I want to do meaningful work.  I want to travel.  I want to eat in restaurants and drink in bars.  I want to go to movies and concerts.  I want to read novels.  I want to marinate in solitude.  I want to have friendships that regularly sustain and exhilarate me.  I want a romantic relationship that involves daily communication beyond interrogatives and imperatives--I want to be known.  And I want to snuggle with my daughter for as long as she'll let me, being as present in her life as I can while giving her all the space she needs to discover life on her own terms.  I want full participation:  in the world, in my family, in my friendships, and in my own actualization.

In other words, to have a happy kid, I figure I need to be a happy mother, and to be a happy mother, I need to be a happy person.  Like my mother, I feel that I need to make choices within the limits of reality--which means considering work, finances, pleasure--and at the moment I can't imagine how I could possibly do that with another kid…

Still, I agonize every time I see my daughter doting on a friend's baby, just as my own heart has a tendency to devour itself when I take a new tiny person in my arms… When my daughter was born, after all my anxiety about how I'd never changed a diaper…--well, I held my girl, just moments old, and I simply knew what to do.  My confidence and capability stunned me... And yet when I try to imagine doing it again, I feel even greater doubt than I did the first time…

…We need to be more assertive in questioning why exactly we believe our children need siblings.  Because if I am going to choose to have another one, while billions of other people do the same, I should be able to know the reason.

And if it's not because I want to--I mean, really want to--have another child, there's a body of supposed knowledge I need to start questioning.  For myself.  For my daughter.  And for the world I brought her into.  Instead of making a choice to enlarge our families based on stereotypes or cultural pressure, we can instead make that most profound choice our most purely independent one.  It might even feel like something people rarely associate with parenting:  it might feel like freedom."

Yes.  Just, yes...

Baby Guitars, Stolen Pillows, and Odometers

This week has been INSANE.  I need a moment just to reflect on some randomness and happiness from the past week before I go back into study-mode.  So here are a few of pictures from the past week that make me smile.

Last week, after returning from our latest too-long road trip, my parents met us at our house to return our dog-children (they are the best to us and their grandpuppies for watching them when we go out-of-town where doggies cannot go).  Anyway, K has been obsessed with my dad playing music (even more than usual--it's all she wants to listen to in the car) lately and, while we were at my parents' house on our latest trip, she kept playing my old, cheap ukulele.  So, my dad and Buzz conspired to get her a REAL guitar of her own...a Mini Martin.

There's nothing like the gift of music.  LOVE it!

A couple of nights ago, I go to get into MY bed on MY pillow and THIS is what I find:

Yep, that's my human child and my dog-boy snuggled up on my pillow together.  Wouldn't trade it for the world.  :)

Today, my hard-core, tough Marine husband comes in and tells me he's a dork and I HAD to see something in his car...

I thought it was broken...but he just happened to have ALL 8's on his odometer when he pulled into the driveway.  Dork alert for both of us...I had to take a picture.

Back to studying...Happy weekend!  :P

You can't spell EmpaThy without E.T.

Empathy-the experiencing as one's own of the feelings of another; also: the capacity for this (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, New Edition, 2004)

I have always felt like a very empathetic person.  Even as a child, I always felt like I hurt for other people who were going through things I didn't understand.  I always anthropomorphized my pets, other animals, and (at times, as embarrassing as it is) my toys.  I think an abundance of empathy is a gift posing as a curse--or maybe vice versa.  I think it is important to feel for our fellow humans--and animals--but sometimes feeling too much can be detrimental to one's mental health!  This is why I chose the field I am in--I tried the one-on-one types of career paths--of helping others who I know need my help on an individual level (i.e. working with deaf kids or kids with disabilities).  I couldn't handle any of that.  I empathized too much.  It consumed my life and made me feel way more depressed than I can handle.  So, I'm taking another route--one in which I can help people, but from a more removed level, if that makes any sense.  And the one-on-one interactions I have with teaching college kids (or adults) is better for me.  Even the students with what I consider to be "sad" stories I am able to deal with because I know that they are in college and doing something to better their lives--and the gratification that comes from helping them on that step of their journeys vastly outweighs knowing of hardships for me.

I think I've passed this empathy on to my daughter--not sure if it's biological or social--but it's there. Last night, we watched E.T. as a family. I was a little hesitant at first.  The last time I saw any part of this movie was in 7th grade, the day after my first pet (a cat) died and I sat there and bawled my eyes out as it played on the small tv at the restaurant where my family and one of my closest friends were eating--waiting for the SPCA to open so I could adopt another cat.  So, I figured my memories of the movie were overshadowed by the sad memory of losing a pet as a little girl.

But, K's empathetic nature went into overdrive. She cried and cried.  She even started crying again when she went to bed, saying she didn't want E.T. to go away.  I reminded her it was just a movie--she said she knew but talked about how it made her feel sad.  And this isn't a child who doesn't know what it means to leave a friend.  She's a Marine's daughter--she's left friends, watched friends move away.  She understands and she handles it very well--taking it all in stride.

But her feelings...her feelings are so strong and so REAL. 

So I spent the night feeling guilty for encouraging her to watch the movie.  But then, I had to stop and realize that it's not so bad.  Empathy is not inherently a bad thing--it's a good thing if "used" appropriately.  Now my challenge is to help her use that empathy positively and not let it consume her and bring her down.  Since I don't fully know how to do this myself, it will be a big challenge.  Right now, I'm proud and humbled that my little girl, barely 5 years old, can feel so deeply for another.  She shows this on a daily basis, towards other humans, towards animals, even towards the Earth.  It was just not until we watched this movie together that I truly realized how deeply her feelings run, how she can relate on such a passionate level to "others," no matter who or what those others may be.  And I am hopeful for all that her empathy may lead her to positively experience and the ways it may help her change at least a little corner of the world--she's already changed my whole world for the better!

Lonely only? (Pour Your Heart Out link-up)

I am linking up to pour my heart out with the blog titled "Things I Can't Say," so I am going to take this opportunity to let out things I can't seem to say in real-life conversations...

I am an only child.  I hate it.  I always hated it.  I started begging for a brother or a sister as soon as I could talk.  I remember being devastated when my cousins or friends got siblings and I was left alone.  I always wanted someone to play with and I felt very lonely a lot of the time.  I wished for another young person to play with on family vacations (though when I was older I was lucky enough to be able to take a friend).  I wanted to share a room--I wanted to share my toys...I just wanted SOMEONE who would always be there to share things with.  I wanted a sibling who would also get in trouble and not just me.  I was never a "bad" kid--I did great in school and never got into REAL trouble, I just talked back some and didn't clean my room very often.  I wanted someone who understood what life inside my house was like.  I never got it.  As my parents got older, I even begged them to adopt.  Didn't happen either.  By high school, I just had to accept it was just me...and I tried not to think about it anymore.  I hate it even more now that I am grown, my parents are getting older and have some health problems--my dad recently had bypass surgery after a heart attack and my mom is preparing for a double knee replacement (thankfully, they are both doing amazingly well).  It sure would be nice to have someone who feels what I am feeling through all of this...

I always said I would not have only one child--I could not do that to another human being.  But, to make a very long story very short, my husband's career and my desire to have a career of my own have changed my mind (along with a few other female-details, including complications after the last birth and endometriosis). To me, our family feels complete.  My husband never really wanted more than one kid, so when we had our amazing little girl, he KNEW we were complete from the start.  He says with one kid, we know we can give her everything she needs, most of what she wants (while teaching her to be grateful and giving, too, of course) and send her to college/help her out when she is on her own...but with two kids he would have to decide which one he liked the most and which one would have to join the Marine Corps.  Hahaha!  I don't exactly agree with that, but I see where he's coming from.  :)

The bottom line is, I feel like our family is complete.  I do not have a strong desire for it to grow in numbers--I'm not sure of the reasons behind that because I still feel very lonely in my only child life sometimes.  My daughter does not seem to feel the way I did at her age.  She always tells me she does not want brothers or sisters--that she wants to be the only baby that's been in my belly.  I'm not saying parents should base their child-creating decisions on what their current children want--I'm just saying she helps give me peace of mind that she is not feeling like I did as an only child.  She is much more independent than I was at her age; she's more independent than I was even when I was much older than she is right now.  She is very social and loves her friends, but she can entertain herself and enjoys alone time.  I think these are good traits! 

So, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO GIVE ME THEIR TWO CENTS ABOUT THIS TOPIC?!?!?!?  It seems that almost everyone has an opinion on only children--particularly my family's decision to have only one child--and is willing to share it.  To me, that's just plain rude.  I have heard it all--she will be antisocial (she's not); she will be selfish (she's not); she will never learn to be independent (she's the most independent 5-year-old I know); she'll never learn how to get along with others (not true); she will always feel lonely (I don't see that happening); she will never learn to appreciate things (totally not true); she will be a spoiled brat (seriously, who says that to a mother?); you will give her everything (we don't); she NEEDS siblings (why?) etc., etc., etc., and yada, yada, yada.

I do feel confident in my decision, yet I still get so defensive when people start this mumbo jumbo.  I feel like they are attacking me and my daughter (and my husband but that doesn't bother me as much because he 1. doesn't care what other people think and 2. has no problem standing up for himself/telling other people what HE thinks).  I am worried that I am making a mistake...but don't mom's worry about this in every aspect of their parenting?  It's a scary job--because it's an important job being a mother!

So, here and now, I am saying something I can't seem to actually say but that I NEED to say to all of those people who criticize--SHUT UP!  You are all up in the Kool-Aid but you do not know the flavor!  (For the record, I LOVE when I can use that line.  Ha!)  Mind your own business.  I'm not out there criticizing your parenting decisions or your family composition.  My daughter has all the basics she needs in her life--she is very well taken care of here.  Yes, she has many luxuries, but she also has the biggest, giving heart I can imagine.  She is kind and sweet.  She is a good friend.  She is happy.  She is smart.  And she is MINE.  MY mothering is helping her achieve her potential.  And the fact that she is an only child has no bearing on that.  Stop calling me selfish.  How is any of what I am doing selfish?  Is it because you think that I MUST be selfish because I am an only child?  Is it because I am pursuing a career that I believe is good for me AND my family and you think that doesn't make for a good mom?  Stop with the sterotypes and let our actions speak for themselves.  This decision is my husband's and mine...not yours.  If you want to have lots of children, then you do that for yourself.  I have no problems with large families--I have no problems with medium-sized families--I have no problem with people who choose not to have children.  The point is, it is a personal, family decision.  Please, please keep your thoughts to yourself.  Better yet, why don't you hold off on creating those thoughts and opinions unless you can get a better grasp of what is actually going on here and have some basis in reality on which to form said thoughts and opinions.  Oh, and while you're at it, check out this article from Time Magazine last year before you start making antiquated assertions about only children.

Whew!  It feels good to get that out!

Oh, and as for that article in Time, Buzz saw that and bought it for me last year.  I know it's not an academic journal--I feel like I need to make that disclaimer, you know, being in PhD school and all.  :)

Moon-Flavored Ice Cream

This evening, with the beautiful weather on our side, we decided to go get ice cream.  Buzz, K, K's friend, and I made our way to Bruster's.  YUM!  As we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed the full moon rising and Buzz told me that this weekend the moon is brighter than it's been in 20 years!  It is BEAUTIFUL!  This excursion, of ice cream and moon-gazing, took me back...  Do you have any of those memories that are so personal and special and warm your heart?  Do they get triggered randomly and take you back?  I do.  And eating ice cream under the moon brings back two such memories.

THE MOON
How can the moon be personal?  In oh so many ways... When I was a little girl, I remember my dad taking me out to look at the moon.  It was one of our "things."  It was so simple, yet so special.  I will never forget that--just like I will never forget him throwing me over his shoulder and us arguing over whether I was a sack of sugar or a bag of potatoes, or him playing the guitar singing me songs on our front porch before I went to bed...

Then, when a special aunt moved away when I was a little older (she reappears below) she reminded me that we could look at the moon at night.  And, since we were both looking at the same moon, we wouldn't feel so far away.  When Buzz went to boot camp and OCS, we tried looking at the moon at the same time, but it wasn't always up in the summer sky.  So, we (well, I did--I'm sure his schedule didn't always permit) looked at the sky every night at 9 pm.  I remember times when I would be out and about with friends and realize the time and dart out the door to have a moment with the moon and/or sky--and, for that moment, we were together.

When Buzz deployed for the first time after we became parents, K shared this love of the moon.  I can still see her tiny finger pointing and hear her barely-1-year-old little voice yelling "moooo, moooo."  I cherished those moments, reminded of my special times with my dad and Buzz and my long-distance relationships.

So, the moon tonight was even more special for me.  I called it to K's attention, though she wasn't as excited over it as she used to be.  I just called my dad to make sure he sees it.  :)

THE ICE CREAM SUMMER
That special aunt I just mentioned (B) moved to and from my hometown many times during my childhood--and so did her grandson, my second-cousin and best friend growing up (M).  One summer, both M and B lived in my hometown.  I stayed with my grandmother while my parents worked--after school and all day during the summers.  (My grandmother, for the record, is an absolutely amazing person...K is named after her.)  This particular summer when my aunt and cousin were in the 'Noke, M, M's mom, B, my grandma, and I went out pretty much every single day of the summer.  I have little recollections of exactly what we did--other than just being together and the fact that we ALWAYS went to Baskin Robins for ice cream.  We went there on the way to or from all of our other stops.  M and I always got this strange bubble gum ice cream and the other ladies thought it was gross and crazy.  I can't quite remember how we would chew the gum that was mixed in the ice cream while still eating that ice cream...but we did.  And I loved every day of that summer...we still call it The Ice Cream Summer.  It was a blessing, having such special people in my life--at the same time--every day.  I loved being dropped off at my grandma's excited for what the day would hold and what adventure we would go on each day.

That's it.  They may sound simple and these may be typical Beth-story-ramblings...but tonight, they were real again and to say those memories are heartwarming would be a huge understatement. 

The moon tonight from my front yard (I need a better camera)

The moon was but a chin of gold

A night or two ago,

And now she turns her perfect face

Upon the world below.

Her forehead is of amplest blond;

Her cheek like beryl stone;

Her eye unto the summer dew

The likest I have known.

Her lips of amber never part;

But what must be the smile

Upon her friend she could bestow

Were such her silver will!

And what a privilege to be

But the remotest star!

For certainly her way might pass

Beside your twinkling door.

Her bonnet is the firmament,

The universe her shoe,

The stars the trinkets at her belt,

Her dimities of blue.

~Emily Dickinson

A Day in the Life: Family Portraits

My daughter LOVES arts and crafts.  She does them all the time and asks me to join in.  I do--just not as much as I should.  It's fun.  It's an awesome break from whatever I'm working on in terms of school/work.  She doesn't even care that I am the least artistic person on the face of the planet.

I nurture her creativity.  It is beautiful in all aspects of the word.  I have decorated her room with her canvas art.  Our dining room has been transformed into an art room.  I figure it's those little things I can do to help her embrace something that she loves so much.

One of her favorite things to draw is our family.  That makes me so happy.  I believe you can tell a lot about what kids think by looking at their artwork and watching them play.  I am so thankful that she views our family as close-knit and full of smiles.  She often draws us holding hands and with hearts around us. Though all of the ups and downs the Marine Corps has taken us through and all of the separations, I'm so glad that we have come out ahead.  Not to mention, it's not as if my husband and I are sweet and happy with each other ALL the time, so I am glad that she sees the good stuff always shining through.  :)  And it warms my heart to see our family so full of love through HER eyes. 

So, today, I am sharing some of her more recent artwork of our family.  I love how she personalizes everything, even as she is just learning to write.  She likes to write our names--and she refers to my husband as "Buzz" though lately she has taken it upon herself to introduce him to others with his real name, even though everyone calls him Buzz.  Anyway, she always colors me in purple (my favorite color), Buzz in orange (his favorite color), and herself in pink (her FAVORITE color).  She also always draws high heels on the girls.  She also recently received a card where a friend drew a shooting star--so now she really likes shooting stars in her work as well.  I suppose like any great artist, she must go through stages and phases.  :)

Welcome to arts and crafts!

Here is our family portrait (note us holding hands and the hearts in between):

This is a picture of me:

And here is Buzz:

And here is my little artist at work.  :)



Job Talking, sort of

I HOPE to finish my PhD next year--Spring of next year, to be exact. So, I am thinking about the job market. And in that thought process, I am HOPING that I will get interviews...at places I want to work. And all of this means thinking about job talks. Just the sheer term irritates me. I mean, if you are giving or listening to a "job talk," you are a scholar and have made it to a place that such a small fraction of the population reaches, educationally speaking, and the term for this stressful, life-altering event it "job talk." Anyway, it worries me and I am already stressing out about those 7 letters of a term that could potentially alter my life in great ways.

Part of my issue with anything school/work related is that it sets my schizophrenia in motion. No, I don't think I have THAT bad of a disorder. I, personally, always feel like one person--a culmination of the individual who wears all of the hats that I wear. But in so many situations, I feel like I am forced to just take on one of those roles. To me, that's a lie. I'm not JUST a student or teacher or military wife or mom (though I wouldn't mind "just" being a mom--that's my primary role, I believe, and it is so awesome I could eat it up, but I digress). I am ALL of these things combined. And I think that's what makes me me. So, why do I spend so much effort trying to fit into just one of these categories? Why must I spend a job talk just talking about my school/work life? I, personally, think that being all of the things that make me who I am makes me that much more impressive of a candidate. No, I don't always handle things "gracefully" or without minor breakdowns, but I do think that sometimes I deserve a pat on the back for doing all that I have done and continue to do and will do in the future with all that's on my plate. I don't want pity--I don't need praise. I have chosen each of my duties because it's what I want to do--and without any portion of that I would lose a certain part of myself. So, I think just the mere recognition is what I would like. Since I likely won't get that, as the world of academia does not really fit with such a plan, I will give the beginning of my job talk (a year or more in advance) that I will never be able to share, but want to so bad, right here...

My name is Beth, but I will answer to "mom." I [am hoping to very soon] have received my PhD from the University of Tennessee. But, that's not really as big of a deal as my amazing daughter. She is MY teacher and she makes my world spin. So, I will be absent from this position any time she needs me to be. I also have two dogs [hopefully Sampson will still be around during this process] who call me mom. I will often be covered in dog hair--please excuse the mess. I am married to a Marine. The Marine Corps has largely dictated my life for nearly a decade. I have lived in 5 states, only moving out of my hometown once I married into the Marine Corps. I will be absent should husband leave and come home from another part of the world. I have been teaching for over 5 years now and I love that experience--it is the most rewarding job I have had outside of my family. You may be wondering about my research, and I will get to that in a minute, but before I do, I want you to know that, in the midst of this teaching and researching, I have done many other things. I have given birth. I have been a single mom while I sent my husband away to fight a war and perform other services to our country and others. I have spent nights in the ER--human and dog--with a sick kid. I have kissed boo-boos all better. I have given home health care to a dog. I run a household pretty much on my own. I have bought and sold houses, also largely on my own or with the help of a power of attorney. I have worked--sometimes two jobs at a time--to get to where I am in my educational journey. My husband loves something else as much as he loves me--service to his country. I don't get jealous; I try to take it in stride; but sometimes I cry. I didn't think I could make it to this place in my life, giving this job talk in front of you all, and I had obstacles. Without the support of my family, I wouldn't be here today. So, as you listen to the summary of a dissertation that took me years to finish, please know that this is not what defines me. It is a part of the larger puzzle which is Beth.

If you're only as old as you feel...

I'm doomed! I am feeling ancient these days--lack of sleep I assume from all of the craziness of and recent changes in my life--including the anxiety of what is to come. (Though I am SUPER-excited about starting my PhD program. Nerd alert!) Thank goodness I have my daughter and my pups to help keep me young. I don't have the choice to just shut down--though my thyroid likes to try to get me to do otherwise.

Anyway, on the topic of age, what I really wanted to do was tell another K story. She says the funniest things and I never remember to write them all down. Although for a while I was writing them down on a pad of paper and that's one of the things I have not recovered from our latest move. Lesson learned--I should have written that stuff in her baby (or not so baby now) book at the time and now I am trying to write them down here while I still remember them...but I really hope I find those notes.

I digress (as usual). Anyway, Buzz and I went out to lunch at one of the few places we agree on in terms of food this afternoon. K wanted a hot dog from Sonic, so we gave in on our way. When she thanked us for stopping and getting what she asked for, Buzz responded "We'd do anything for our Princess." K responded "I'd do anything for my old people."

So now we are officially old people, I guess. When I got pregnant I told Buzz that we would never again be cool. (This was assuming we had some amount of coolness pre-pregnancy.) He argued that we would still be very cool--cool parents. Yeah right! As we have gone through a few childhood stages together, I see just how my coolness level is going down. As an infant, we are absolutely the coolest things in our babies lives--mainly because they don't know what it means to be cool yet and we do everything they need. Then they start developing independence but they still need and WANT you there so much. We are now entering a phase of serious independence. K often asks me if I can go somewhere--meaning that she wants to hang out with someone else without me there. (And she hates it when I see her dance and gymnastics shows. She tells me it's no fun when I'm there and she wants me on the outside of the glass wall.) And now, I'm old. :) But I cherish this time--she still wants me around sometimes and I don't think she has yet fully realized my deficiencies in the cool department (though I think we are on our way to that epiphany.) I already miss rocking her to sleep in my arms. I remember thinking back then how exhausted I was to still be up and how tired my arms might get from holding her but knowing that one day that would all just be a memory. And even now, in my old-person state of exhaustion, I am thankful for every second she wants to play and spend time with me...and that she still says she'd do anything for this old person. My little drama queen is growing up and we are enjoying the ride while taking time to cherish these little moments before I am not yet TOO old and still cool enough to hang out with my little lady. (Is cool even still a term I can use, or am I showing my age?)