Grief and Goals

 

My dogs are dying.  (Yes, I know "we are all dying..." My dogs are terminally ill--with cancer that's rapidly advancing.)  It feels unbearable.  I could go on and on about how they are the most bonded pair I have ever met, how they were diagnosed with the same (rare) lung cancer exactly two weeks apart, the expenses and guilt of choosing palliative care for this senior pair, the rollercoaster of the past four months, the lack of sleep, the INTENSE anticipatory grief that won't let up and the fact I know the grief to come will be even worse, the fact that these dogs saw me through over a decade of military wife life as my constant companions in a world of chaos...  I realize that many people are struggling and I am fortunate to have so many privileges (like the financial ability to do all that I can for them and a flexible work schedule to spend time with them).  But these dogs are my family--they have pulled me through some tough times.  My time and energy have been dedicated to them in so many ways (especially recently) and my self-worth and comfort, I realize, are largely wrapped up in that bond.  I am so lucky their lives have been spent with me--we've had so many adventures and wonderful times.  I used to say the only time I was ever truly happy and in the moment was when I was walking my dogs.

All of this comes down to the fact that I hurt physically and mentally in a way I have never have before.  I have lost dogs before--dogs that I loved deeply.  I have never lost two dogs at essentially the same time, with a full-time demanding career, with huge family commitments, during a global pandemic where I have been isolated for a year.  People have suggested I journal about my feelings.  I don't like feelings/emotions--especially the ones that are so hard to feel.  But I do realize that I USED to write about my trials and tribulations with my pups.  I realize that I once found a blog about a dog who had the same disease as my Sampson, and reached out to the author who gave me some solidarity and support during that tough journey.  Maybe this will help me.  Maybe somehow in some way someone will find this and it can support them.  Or maybe I'm just rambling with no reason or purpose because I am so desperate.  Regardless, here I am--after a LONG hiatus from this virtual space.

I'm trying to figure out how I am ever going to make it through this still standing.  It seems impossible.  But I have a daughter (and husband, career, family, and friends)--so I have no choice other than to try--not just try, but stay "still standing."  I'm searching for any way for some GOOD to come from this tragedy.  I can't fathom how that is even possible, but I have to hold on to something to keep me putting one foot in front of the other and functioning on some level these days.  I am working on living in the lessons Daisy and Claymore have taught and continue to teach me, not the least of which are to live in the moment and love unconditionally.  I hope I can come out on the other side of this stronger somehow.

Speaking of strong, the one thing I have been making sure I do during this time is exercise.  I've always been dedicated to fitness, but it has taken on new meaning.  We got a Peloton last year (I may have joined a cult but that's for another post...) and back in December I committed to trying to do at least one activity every day for a year.  That doesn't mean I have to do a hard bike ride, but SOMETHING Peloton offers--even if it is a 5-minute stretch or meditation...something that forces me to focus on that goal at least once per day.  So far, I've kept it up.  Today, the weather was actually nice (after a ridiculous month of insane winter weather) so I went for a run in my neighborhood with the Peloton app.  I've been riding much more than running these days.  (I am now 40 and my knees and below often feel like I'm way older than that.)  But I thought about the fitness goals I have had before.  I wonder if I could run a half marathon again?  Not for speed or time or even in a formal race, but just to have a goal to help push me through this grief.  So, that's (maybe?) my goal...by my 41st birthday.  I'm putting it out there.  And I will try.  If I fail, I know I can do 13.1 miles on the bike.  I just hope I can make it through this seemingly unbearable time still standing...

A Scoop of Moon-Flavored Ice Cream?

So, I'm back.  I've been here, just not *here*-here.  My writing time at the computer has been spent dissertating.  Dissertation is a dirty, dirty word to me right now.

But blogging fell by the wayside.  Lots has been going on, but I'm going to keep it short and to the point right now.  This blog started out in the "old days" of MySpace (ha!) as a place for me to write about my dogs.  Writing has always been therapeutic for me--not writing in the dissertation sense, but in the journaling sense.  And now, more than ever, I need some therapy. Sampson--my old man/my best friend--has degenerative myelopathy--more big words I have learned through Sampson's health issues.  It's not good.  Basically, the nerves in his spinal cord are dying.  (Here's a good, quick summary via the American Boxer Club: http://americanboxerclub.org/purina1.html .) He is becoming paralyzed.  He has lost almost all control over his left, back leg.  But he is holding on.  He has some good times and bad times.  I think he's still happy--getting joy from food, treats, and love.  We have made some adjustments to daily life.  My heart remains heavy--in all likelihood, his spine is going to give out before the rest of his body--and that means a tough, tough decision for me.  But I know it's the right one--I just hope I know when it's the "right" time.

I found this great blog today while Googling Sampson's disease.  Great, because 1.  It made me feel like I am not alone and 2. It reminded me that maybe blogging shouldn't fall by the wayside.  I came back here...my Moon-Flavored Ice Cream--the things that make me smile and give me the warm and fuzzies.  And I read about Sampson over the past few years.  I am glad I have a place where some of his life up until this point has been chronicled.  Maybe I should get back on that routine?

So, here I am...and I think I'll be back.  I can't promise when, the topic, or the tone.  If there is one thing Sampson has taught me, it's to be happy and enjoy the here and now.  Whether it was during a deployment or just a plain old gloomy day, he was there to make me smile--to bring me joy.  And that's the meaning of the crazy title of this blog...so, I *think* I will be able to make time for my writing therapy, with a scoop of Moon-Flavored Ice Cream.

In hiding...

Oh good grief, I'm terrible at writing on this thing these days.  I think about it all the time.  I love to write, to journal, to vent...and, in the past, this has been a good place to get all of that done in one place.  But lately, I've been a bit in hiding.  I have what could be my final comp exam coming up soon--it WILL be my final exam (yes, the last exam I will ever have to take) IF I pass it.  I'm sweating bullets thinking about it...ahh, stress...

But right now, I'm saturated with studying so I'm looking for things to do to keep my mind OFF the anxiety of the pending exam weekend--yes, weekend--it's 3 full days of test-taking. Ugh!

I have so much to write about...K started kindergarten, Sampson has had more "issues," I had an amazing week at the beach, I turned 31...

I'm stuck on that one right now.  I'm 31.  I feel like I should maybe be a little more successful, done with school, more financially stable.  But, I'm "just" a part-time college instructor/graduate teaching associate, I'm STILL in school, and I feel like a dog chasing its tail with money--largely due to the HUGE economic burdens of graduate school WITH a family.  But, I am where I am.  And I love where I am, if I don't think about the student loan debt.  :)  So, I missed my favorite link-up for the past few weeks with "Goodnight Moon" so I am playing my birthday song today (a couple weeks after the birthday itself) to remind me that I need to enjoy this "ride." 

'Round about my 24th birthday, Buzz got me the License to Chill CD (back when we bought CDs, not just bought music on iTunes).  "Trip around the Sun" was my instant favorite, as the first line is "So I'm singin' happy birthday..."  And, as the song says, this year gone by ain't been a piece of cake.  But neither is any year.  We are all lucky to have time to sit back (or sit up at the computer and have the opportunity to be in grad school, even if it means student loan debt too-long exams) and enjoy our trips around the sun.  One of my favorite parts of the song says "I'm just hanging on, while this ol' world keeps spinning.  And it's good to know it's out of my control.  If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living, is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go."

I'm not planning on letting go--I'm fighting through exams, a dissertation, a sick dog, motherhood, military wife-life, and all that goes with it.  But, sometimes it is good to sit back and put things in perspective.  I'm not saying I won't have a major breakdown if I fail this exam--but the world will keep spinning if I do, or if I don't.  So, I'm working on enjoying the ride right now...and being thankful that I am in a place to pursue my dreams with my favorite people (and dogs) on earth, even if it comes with the ups and downs of success AND stress.

The Rambling Calm AFTER the Storm

Oh yeah...I remember this feeling...

I keep thinking "once X is over, things will be okay"--with "X" being a fill-in-the-blank of life happenings such as comp exams, deployments, bad days...

I've recently blogged about my efforts to come to terms with the fact that things just don't settle down.  Period.  And I need to stop looking at that supposedly greener grass on the other side.  And now, I'm in what was supposed to be the calm AFTER the storm.  And, on that point, I will digress just a bit...

That big storm that hit us a few weeks ago--utter craziness--is a great metaphor for this attempt I am making to be okay with the stress that encompasses my life right now. 

I'm sure most people have heard the phrase "the calm before the storm," to illustrate when you know something big is coming even if life is relatively quiet at that given moment.  Well, my life has been filled with calms AFTER storms.  I am usually immersed in fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants adventures between mommyhood, work, school, and military wife life.  And then, sometimes unexpectedly, things seem to slow down--and that's hard on me.  I apparently thrive on having things to do--right now.  It's when I slow down that the stress intensifies.  During the crazy times, I'm just trying to get through the minute--get done what is due here and now.  But when things slow down, my mind takes over.  Unfortunately, though, in this lifestyle, it never really stops.  So, the big exam is over (for now), but now I realize all of the things I put off preparing for that one day--like keeping the house organized, preparing other manuscripts, being the mom and wife I want to be. 

So, this calm AFTER the storm has hit me pretty hard--not to mention I am back in my hometown awaiting my mom's homecoming--which keeps getting pushed back--AND (I can't even believe I am writing this because my fear runs so deep I don't even want to dance around discussing the topic) there are people on my mom's hall who are getting the (gulp) stomach bug...and it's spreading.  I'm a wreck.  I know I need to be there (like physically, on the sick-hall) for my mom, but that fear is elevating my stress to dangerous levels!  Anyway, this "calm" is taking a toll on my sanity...just like that storm. 

Back to the actual storm: There was no calm before that thing hit our house--it had been windy, raining, thundering, etc. all day.  Schools asked parents to pick kids up early, after taking shelter for tornado warnings earlier in the day.  It was a crazy day to start off with.  And then THE part of the storm that rocked our world hit--and it was scary--the scariest weather I have ever witnessed.  So, we took shelter in our little downstairs bathroom (without windows)--all of us, including the dogs.  And, from our hideout, we could hear the storm--the wind, the hail.  It sounded like someone was shooting our house (and it looked the same once we caught a glimpse).  But, possibly the creepiest part was how it stopped. 

It just stopped. 

We sounded like we were in a war zone (which was verified by my husband who has been in such zones)...and then, nothing. 

Silence.

I was scared we were in the eye of the storm (which I'm not even sure that storm had an "eye" but after living through many hurricanes in Florida, that was my terminology).  I wouldn't release us out of the bathroom for a while--the quiet was the creepiest part of it all.

When we finally went out of the bathroom, we looked out the windows, and eventually made it out to our yard--where all of our neighbors were doing the same thing, crunching through the hail.  We could see each other through the steam rising from our damaged yards.  We all made sure everyone was okay.  (Greatest part of life in the 'burbs: your neighbors make sure you are accounted for after a natural disaster.) There was this smell in the air--I can't describe it--I'd never smelled it before.  My neighbor and I decided THAT was what creepy smells like.

But other than our crunching through the hail and our voices, there was nothing...no cars, no animals, no sounds of life.  And, as I mentioned in my previous post, WE are the LUCKY ones.  In our calm, the storm left our houses standing (though severely damaged) and our loved ones, though shook up, were safe.

So now, in my life's latest "calm" after the storm, I am living in a perpetual anxiety attack.  The exam, the semester, and so much of the craziness from the past year is over. No transition, no outlet, and I won't know if I passed that exam for another month (or more).  There was no closure.  It's sort of like the time when Buzz comes back from a deployment.  It's exciting--I'm glad he's home, just like I'm glad this chapter is over (unless I didn't pass that exam and have to do that part all over again).  It's a great milestone.  It's good.  But it's different.  Just like when he comes home, we hug, and we go home--but there's no transition, no closure or outlet for all of the stress I bottled up for the entire deployment. I guess all of this points to the fact that I don't handle stress well in the moment OR after, huh?  :P

I'm on edge; I'm shaky; I'm nervous.  There is nothing that has to be done RIGHT NOW but so much on the to-do list.  The exam is over, but the work doesn't end.  My mom's surgery is over, but the recovery is in full swing.  And, of course, Buzz is not here.  Nope.  The Marine Corps always takes him when I feel like I need him most (which, in fairness, is always, so it's not like there's ever a good time for him to be absent from our lives--but it happens so often and it always seems like a really bad time). 

Am I crazy?  Probably...but I'm also human.  And I need to work on finding internal calm in this stressful calm after the storms of the past few months.  I don't know how to do it.  But the first step is to stop dwelling on it here in my online outlet.  So, Step 1: stop rambling; Step 2: deep breath...here we go...

Is the grass really ever greener?

The grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm not sure how I feel about that old saying.  It's too real and it disturbs me.  I try to be a big believer in mind over matter, but sometimes my mind is working against me so that sort of defeats the purpose.  But I always think, if I can just get through this next paper, this next class, the next exam, the upcoming trip, the latest deployment, until the next raise...THEN things will be better.  But, once I pass the milestone of the minute, life is still happening.  There are still more hurdles to overcome.  There are still barriers standing in the way.

But does any of that matter?  I've written before about my quests and attempts to live in the moment.  And these things go for the good AND the not-so-good.  For example, while I keep wishing time away during the tough times, I worry about the good times being over too soon.  Vacations don't last long enough.  Days off go by too quickly--or it rains.  But does any of THAT matter?

I looked back at some pictures from not that long ago.  I've aged.  It's grad school, I'm sure of it.  I've kept my youthful glow through Marine Corps issues, moving way too often, and being a mom.  Grad school has brought on the grey and the crow's feet...and a few extra pounds.  But does any of THAT matter?  Plus, I do feel lucky that I still get carded for adult beverages and I still fit in my old clothes, even if they are a little more snug.

So, who cares if the grass is greener on the other side?  Green grass grows fast and I don't like to mow anyway.  I should embrace the grass on MY side, even if it's a little dry and brown.  And right now, while I'm uncontrollably stressing out over my upcoming comp exam, I am truly working on being thankful for the opportunity and the experience--even in the stressful moment.  I'm working to enjoy the rainy days--you can still play Princess Yahtzee and other fun stuff inside.  And those vacations have to be over eventually--otherwise they wouldn't be so amazing when you DO get them.  And I started this blog as a way to chronicle this whole grad school experience in the midst of motherhood and Marine-wife-life...so, I am using this as my outlet to say it to help make it true. 

And, on another note, we recently had family portraits done at our house.  It was so much fun!  Here's a pic of me and my old man--who doesn't let the grey or the extra pounds (well, he's lost the extra pounds on his new diet) get him down. And he enjoys every walk and every meal equally--loving them all.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, we can learn a lot from a dog!



Lost/Wanted Poster

LOST:  My Schedule

May be found under the name

of its alter-ego, Routine.

Enemy of sleep deprivation, higher-than-usual anxiety,

confusion,

and procrastination, brought about by

family issues

(including parental surgeries, husband's job responsibilities, and 5-year-olds),

tv, big news, movies, good music,

the potential to hang out with friends, Facebook,

planting flowers, playing with the dogs, blogging,

picking up pieces of siding out of the yard after a hail storm,

and anything else that can tear one away

from her

required school work.

Last seen, uh, a while ago.

Needed immediately in order to ensure proper bedtimes,

mornings (afternoons and evenings) without meltdowns,

completion of papers, completion of mandatory grading,

and successful studying for (and hopefully passing of) comp exams...

and preparing for (and hopefully passing of) one dissertation proposal.

If found, please return. 

I'm sorry,

but no reward can be issued

other than the return of what sanity I HAD left

before the disappearance.

Thank you.

The F-word

FAILURE

That word terrifies me.  It's a big, scary word that brings about big, scary emotions.  The fear of it has kept me from taking so many chances in my life.  I didn't continue playing the flute in any big capacity in my teen years.  Despite the fact that I was often selected for "special" programs and was told I "had what it takes," I was scared of any try-out process where I might not make it.  I didn't try out for softball in college.  I was scared I wouldn't make the cut--despite the fact that the assistant coach was my coach from high school and the head coach was my mom's boss's husband...and, objectively, I probably had the skills to make it.  But that fear of the f-word held me back from even trying.  That fear of the f-word almost tricked me into not applying to graduate school.  While I was waiting on the decision I convinced myself that I didn't really want to go, so I wouldn't be so upset when I didn't get in.  (In hindsight, that would not have been the WORST thing to happen.  Grad school sucks.  Hahaha!  But I digress, as usual...)

And the f-word brings on fears beyond just the f-word itself...like fear of the d-word.

DISAPPOINTMENT

When I was a kid, my parents didn't spank me or anything like that.  But I dreamed of that type of punishment.  I don't mean I wished for beatings, I just mean something shorter than the long lectures about what I did wrong.  NOTHING is more devastating than having someone tell me they are disappointed in me.  It is only rivaled by the disappointment I feel toward myself sometimes. 

Coming full-circle, sometimes my internal disappointment comes from not taking those leaps or trying out because of my fear of the f-word.  Seriously, am I some sort of nut-job?  :)  But where could I have gone if I kept playing the flute on a higher level?  How would my college experience have been different if I had tried out for softball?

And now, the fear of the f-word is getting into my head again.  Recently, I have had a few things showing me that I have chosen the right path for me--that maybe all of this grad-school-nonsense isn't nonsense at all.  Maybe there is light at the end of this stressful tunnel.  Great, right?  Sure...until the fear of the f-word comes creeping up on me again.

What if I'm not good enough?  What if I don't get a job?  (Seriously--big fear--there are a lot of student loans piling up that need to be paid!  I get so irritated that people must go into debt to better themselves, but that's another soapbox for another time...)  What if people think I'm stupid?  What if I say something wrong?  What if my dissertation flops?  What if I never get a publication in a top journal--or, even worse, what if I don't get another pub at all?  What if I can't get any grant money?

While all of my other "colleagues" are going around calling our professors by their first names, I am still walking on eggshells and wouldn't consider calling any professor with a PhD anything other than "Dr. [Last Name]."  What if I actually do make it to my own hooding but can never make the jump from student to PhD?  What if no one ever sees me as a figure with authority or someone with "real" expertise?  What if they all still see me as the quiet girl with the southern accent who is too afraid to speak up because of her fear of what everyone else thinks?  What if I DO get a good job...but then don't make tenure?

Yep, there are a lot of questions running through this brain of mine in addition to all of the ones I need to answer formally through this grad-school adventure!  I am sure many of these things are ONLY in my head.  I mean, worrying is my specialty--a forte I would like to overcome. 

So I am challenging myself to put the worry away as it is totally useless and nonproductive (though it's not likely to actually disappear) and focus on what I need to do to succeed.  I must focus on success--on the possibilities of what CAN be if I keep working hard.  The biggest tragedy will be if I let this fear of the f-word infiltrate my aspirations to the point that I don't shoot for my goals.  I've said it before and I'll say it again--the following quite is framed in my bedroom--it came from one of those daily calendar-things.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles.  It empties today of its strength."

[Deep breath]....Eyes on the prize....

In-between deployments

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles.  It empties today of its strength."

I'm a worrier.  A BIG worrier--about everything...and I do mean everything.  Life in the Marine Corps is a big source of my worrying.  It's HIS job, but it's also MY life.  I complain.  I feel like I have done way more than my fair share of complaining and whining about hardships and obstacles brought on by his career.  I feel bad for that, but I think sometimes we just have to let it all out.

I also have a bad habit of ALWAYS thinking the "next step" in any tough situation is going to be easier than the present.  I guess it's a coping mechanism to get me through whatever stuff I am going through in the moment.  I think that next semester will be better in school; next week I won't have so much to do; next summer vacation I WILL read those novels.  And one of the biggest thinking faux-pas has to do with Marine wife life.  If I can just get through this separation/once we get to the next duty station/once he's promoted...  The list goes on.  Specifically, through our last duty station of 2 deployments in about 2 years, I kept thinking "if I can just get through this deployment things will be better" and "once we are out of this unit things will be fine...afterall, he won't 'deploy' there." 

What I failed to recognize was how much we had changed during those two years.  I also forgot to think about the fact that just because he doesn't "deploy" doesn't mean his job is any less demanding--it doesn't mean he won't still be gone a lot of the time.  Sure, his longest trip in one shot is about 6 weeks here--but add that up a few times, plus a week or ten days here and there, a month every summer and the long weekends all the time and he's STILL gone months out of the year.  This is not "normal" in any sense of the word.

But who am I comparing myself to?  Civilians?  Students?  I have no idea.  And it doesn't matter--it's just part of that purposeless thinking and worry I impose on myself.  Now I am kicking myself for diving into a PhD program during this in-between-deployments-time.  But, I know I wouldn't have been happy if I didn't and would have just complained that the Marine Corps was putting up another barrier to my success.  And that would have been all in my mind, too.

EVERYONE has their struggles and hardships--not just military families.  Sure, ours are different, but it's time that I stop thinking that somehow I have it too hard.  I have an amazing family.  Sure, we have our problems and my marriage is far from a perfect story book, but aren't most people's?  It works for us.  Plus, I have an amazing opportunity to further my education and I wouldn't be able to do that WITHOUT my husband's career, that provides for us without necessitating that I make a certain amount of income myself.  We get to travel and meet amazing people all over the place.  I have it great...I am so lucky!

What I struggle with is the mindset of always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me.  When is all of this greatness going to come crashing down?  Right now, one of those issues is always feeling like my life is structured around deployments.  Now, I'm in-between deployments, yet somehow those deployments are still my reference frame and are still dictating thoughts, plans, and fears.  I have to get beyond that.  I don't know how, I just do.  So here's for trying to live for the moment, despite the fact I know the dirty reality of deployments will cast its dark shadow on us again...sooner than I wish.  But here's to trying to enjoy the present and finding strength in every day in-between.  When the time comes that deployment is upon us again, I work on finding that strength in THAT moment.  But for now, I'm just going to work on being thankful!

Lonely only? (Pour Your Heart Out link-up)

I am linking up to pour my heart out with the blog titled "Things I Can't Say," so I am going to take this opportunity to let out things I can't seem to say in real-life conversations...

I am an only child.  I hate it.  I always hated it.  I started begging for a brother or a sister as soon as I could talk.  I remember being devastated when my cousins or friends got siblings and I was left alone.  I always wanted someone to play with and I felt very lonely a lot of the time.  I wished for another young person to play with on family vacations (though when I was older I was lucky enough to be able to take a friend).  I wanted to share a room--I wanted to share my toys...I just wanted SOMEONE who would always be there to share things with.  I wanted a sibling who would also get in trouble and not just me.  I was never a "bad" kid--I did great in school and never got into REAL trouble, I just talked back some and didn't clean my room very often.  I wanted someone who understood what life inside my house was like.  I never got it.  As my parents got older, I even begged them to adopt.  Didn't happen either.  By high school, I just had to accept it was just me...and I tried not to think about it anymore.  I hate it even more now that I am grown, my parents are getting older and have some health problems--my dad recently had bypass surgery after a heart attack and my mom is preparing for a double knee replacement (thankfully, they are both doing amazingly well).  It sure would be nice to have someone who feels what I am feeling through all of this...

I always said I would not have only one child--I could not do that to another human being.  But, to make a very long story very short, my husband's career and my desire to have a career of my own have changed my mind (along with a few other female-details, including complications after the last birth and endometriosis). To me, our family feels complete.  My husband never really wanted more than one kid, so when we had our amazing little girl, he KNEW we were complete from the start.  He says with one kid, we know we can give her everything she needs, most of what she wants (while teaching her to be grateful and giving, too, of course) and send her to college/help her out when she is on her own...but with two kids he would have to decide which one he liked the most and which one would have to join the Marine Corps.  Hahaha!  I don't exactly agree with that, but I see where he's coming from.  :)

The bottom line is, I feel like our family is complete.  I do not have a strong desire for it to grow in numbers--I'm not sure of the reasons behind that because I still feel very lonely in my only child life sometimes.  My daughter does not seem to feel the way I did at her age.  She always tells me she does not want brothers or sisters--that she wants to be the only baby that's been in my belly.  I'm not saying parents should base their child-creating decisions on what their current children want--I'm just saying she helps give me peace of mind that she is not feeling like I did as an only child.  She is much more independent than I was at her age; she's more independent than I was even when I was much older than she is right now.  She is very social and loves her friends, but she can entertain herself and enjoys alone time.  I think these are good traits! 

So, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO GIVE ME THEIR TWO CENTS ABOUT THIS TOPIC?!?!?!?  It seems that almost everyone has an opinion on only children--particularly my family's decision to have only one child--and is willing to share it.  To me, that's just plain rude.  I have heard it all--she will be antisocial (she's not); she will be selfish (she's not); she will never learn to be independent (she's the most independent 5-year-old I know); she'll never learn how to get along with others (not true); she will always feel lonely (I don't see that happening); she will never learn to appreciate things (totally not true); she will be a spoiled brat (seriously, who says that to a mother?); you will give her everything (we don't); she NEEDS siblings (why?) etc., etc., etc., and yada, yada, yada.

I do feel confident in my decision, yet I still get so defensive when people start this mumbo jumbo.  I feel like they are attacking me and my daughter (and my husband but that doesn't bother me as much because he 1. doesn't care what other people think and 2. has no problem standing up for himself/telling other people what HE thinks).  I am worried that I am making a mistake...but don't mom's worry about this in every aspect of their parenting?  It's a scary job--because it's an important job being a mother!

So, here and now, I am saying something I can't seem to actually say but that I NEED to say to all of those people who criticize--SHUT UP!  You are all up in the Kool-Aid but you do not know the flavor!  (For the record, I LOVE when I can use that line.  Ha!)  Mind your own business.  I'm not out there criticizing your parenting decisions or your family composition.  My daughter has all the basics she needs in her life--she is very well taken care of here.  Yes, she has many luxuries, but she also has the biggest, giving heart I can imagine.  She is kind and sweet.  She is a good friend.  She is happy.  She is smart.  And she is MINE.  MY mothering is helping her achieve her potential.  And the fact that she is an only child has no bearing on that.  Stop calling me selfish.  How is any of what I am doing selfish?  Is it because you think that I MUST be selfish because I am an only child?  Is it because I am pursuing a career that I believe is good for me AND my family and you think that doesn't make for a good mom?  Stop with the sterotypes and let our actions speak for themselves.  This decision is my husband's and mine...not yours.  If you want to have lots of children, then you do that for yourself.  I have no problems with large families--I have no problems with medium-sized families--I have no problem with people who choose not to have children.  The point is, it is a personal, family decision.  Please, please keep your thoughts to yourself.  Better yet, why don't you hold off on creating those thoughts and opinions unless you can get a better grasp of what is actually going on here and have some basis in reality on which to form said thoughts and opinions.  Oh, and while you're at it, check out this article from Time Magazine last year before you start making antiquated assertions about only children.

Whew!  It feels good to get that out!

Oh, and as for that article in Time, Buzz saw that and bought it for me last year.  I know it's not an academic journal--I feel like I need to make that disclaimer, you know, being in PhD school and all.  :)

Paying it forward?

"A life lived for others is the only life worth living." ~Albert Einstein


We all know the meaning of paying it forward, right? Earlier this year (I think--it could have been the end of last year--I have no concept of real time anymore, but anyway), I signed this petition-thing on Facebook to do something nice for someone the next day which was supposedly "Pay it Forward Day." Now, I am the type of person whose conscience speaks WAY louder than anything else, so knowing that I signed this thing meant that I HAD to do something nice. What a great thing, right? Maybe for anyone else on the planet, but not necessarily for me...


I woke the morning of the supposed "Pay it Forward Day" (note, I have seen the same thing going around Facebook again--I know there's not national holiday for this event, but still) and I told myself, I must pay it forward today. So the day began...I dropped of K at school and had just a little extra time before my meeting with my professor. And the pressure was on. So that I would not have to grapple with living up to my deal, I was convinced I must pay it forward before this meeting. I was a little hungry so I decided to grab a bagel at Panera. And, as I parked, I promised myself I would pay it forward in the restaurant. It would be so simple. I would just pay for the meal of the person behind me.


SOOOO simple...or not. First of all, I realized I had no cash (as usual) but I told myself I could just pay with my check card--still simple, just not quite as simple as hading the cashier an extra $10 and telling her what to do with it. Minor setback but we were still good...or not.


There were no other customers in the restaurant. Crap. I was going to have to devise some sort of lunch plan. I could get cash and do some sort of drive-thru pay-it-forward-action. It would be okay...or not.


So I pay for my bagel and walk down to get my cup of water. Then, the door opened. Two men walked in. One was what I would describe as an outdoorsy-type--you know, with the big beard, plaid shirt, hiking boots, etc. And the man with him appeared to maybe have some special needs. Apparently they were regulars. All of the Panera employees knew them and they spoke with everyone. When the guy (not the outdoorsy guy) walked past, he said hi to me, too...and I said hi back. My palms were sweating now--Should I go with the original plan or just duck and run? Again, this conscience of mine speaks loudly and sometimes it distorts its messages. I felt I had to go with the original plan. I mean, what if I got tied up and did not get another chance to pay it forward? I must do it now, I told myself. So, great, back to the original plan...or not.


Since I was on the other side of the restaurant having this mental conversation with myself, I had to act quickly. The outdoorsy man had ordered while the other man sat down. I walked quickly to the register and, in my attempts to pay it forward, made a complete fool out of myself.


I panicked--I flaked.


I asked the lady if he (clearly talking about the outdoorsy man) had paid yet, suddenly realizing I am talking about the gentleman as if he was not there. So then I turned and asked him. He said he was getting ready to. And I said "Well, I would like to pay for your breakfast this morning." He told me I didn't have to do it and I told him I wanted to. In my panicking and flaking out, I became concerned that maybe he thought I felt sorry for him or something--or thought he couldn't afford breakfast or some other craziness. So I told him it was Pay it Forward Day and I had to do something nice for someone. He and the cashier laughed about how I "had" to and how I was getting it over with early...so I paid, felt my face turn 10 shades of red, ducked my head, and ran out of there. Oh, and the grand total: less than $5.


And THAT was my "good deed." Or whatever it turned out to be. I blew it. I wrecked it. I felt like a fool and called my husband, who laughed at me because I somehow always turn something simple and supposedly nice into something humiliating--at least for me.


So, what's the point here? Welllll, why must we need a day to pay things forward? And why do we have to pay it forward to complete strangers? And why does it feel so strange when you combine the two? First of all, I don't think we should need a day to pay it forward. I do try to practice simple, random acts of kindness on a daily basis to people I don't know and will never see again. Yet, I am thrown a curve ball when I sign some silly petition. I don't like the pressure. I don't really like any pressure, so I throw myself into a PhD program--ahhh the irony...


Anyway, I have recently been having some rough days for a variety of reasons. I am working to change my thinking and my attitude. And I have come to the conclusion that, in order to do this, I need to work on rising above. And one way of doing this is to make every day pay it forward day--but my focus should not be on strangers, but on those close to me. All too often, I think we all forget that those closest to us need a little random kindness, too. Now, what deviates here, at least in my case, is that "paying" it "forward" implies that the niceness will be passed along to others and this will give you some sense of satisfaction--but that's not likely to happen in my case. I am sure those I am "paying" will not even recognize it. But I must rise above. I must pay it forward as a gift to others and, in turn, myself. I cannot do this as a credit or an I-owe-you or a promise to pass it on to anyone else. I must do it to be a better person--and to maintain some sense of sanity in the insanity which is my life. I must work to find intrinsic good in being a nice person ALWAYS, even if that is not reciprocated to me or beyond. I must be the example. Now, if I can just practice this.



"Be the change you want to see in the world." ~Gandhi

Job Talking, sort of

I HOPE to finish my PhD next year--Spring of next year, to be exact. So, I am thinking about the job market. And in that thought process, I am HOPING that I will get interviews...at places I want to work. And all of this means thinking about job talks. Just the sheer term irritates me. I mean, if you are giving or listening to a "job talk," you are a scholar and have made it to a place that such a small fraction of the population reaches, educationally speaking, and the term for this stressful, life-altering event it "job talk." Anyway, it worries me and I am already stressing out about those 7 letters of a term that could potentially alter my life in great ways.

Part of my issue with anything school/work related is that it sets my schizophrenia in motion. No, I don't think I have THAT bad of a disorder. I, personally, always feel like one person--a culmination of the individual who wears all of the hats that I wear. But in so many situations, I feel like I am forced to just take on one of those roles. To me, that's a lie. I'm not JUST a student or teacher or military wife or mom (though I wouldn't mind "just" being a mom--that's my primary role, I believe, and it is so awesome I could eat it up, but I digress). I am ALL of these things combined. And I think that's what makes me me. So, why do I spend so much effort trying to fit into just one of these categories? Why must I spend a job talk just talking about my school/work life? I, personally, think that being all of the things that make me who I am makes me that much more impressive of a candidate. No, I don't always handle things "gracefully" or without minor breakdowns, but I do think that sometimes I deserve a pat on the back for doing all that I have done and continue to do and will do in the future with all that's on my plate. I don't want pity--I don't need praise. I have chosen each of my duties because it's what I want to do--and without any portion of that I would lose a certain part of myself. So, I think just the mere recognition is what I would like. Since I likely won't get that, as the world of academia does not really fit with such a plan, I will give the beginning of my job talk (a year or more in advance) that I will never be able to share, but want to so bad, right here...

My name is Beth, but I will answer to "mom." I [am hoping to very soon] have received my PhD from the University of Tennessee. But, that's not really as big of a deal as my amazing daughter. She is MY teacher and she makes my world spin. So, I will be absent from this position any time she needs me to be. I also have two dogs [hopefully Sampson will still be around during this process] who call me mom. I will often be covered in dog hair--please excuse the mess. I am married to a Marine. The Marine Corps has largely dictated my life for nearly a decade. I have lived in 5 states, only moving out of my hometown once I married into the Marine Corps. I will be absent should husband leave and come home from another part of the world. I have been teaching for over 5 years now and I love that experience--it is the most rewarding job I have had outside of my family. You may be wondering about my research, and I will get to that in a minute, but before I do, I want you to know that, in the midst of this teaching and researching, I have done many other things. I have given birth. I have been a single mom while I sent my husband away to fight a war and perform other services to our country and others. I have spent nights in the ER--human and dog--with a sick kid. I have kissed boo-boos all better. I have given home health care to a dog. I run a household pretty much on my own. I have bought and sold houses, also largely on my own or with the help of a power of attorney. I have worked--sometimes two jobs at a time--to get to where I am in my educational journey. My husband loves something else as much as he loves me--service to his country. I don't get jealous; I try to take it in stride; but sometimes I cry. I didn't think I could make it to this place in my life, giving this job talk in front of you all, and I had obstacles. Without the support of my family, I wouldn't be here today. So, as you listen to the summary of a dissertation that took me years to finish, please know that this is not what defines me. It is a part of the larger puzzle which is Beth.

The THIRD Shift

There is a great book called The Second Shift (by Arlie Hochschild) whose main point (now anyway) is common sense, at least to me on a personal level. In a nutshell, it says that when women entered the workforce, thus contributing economically to the family outside the home, they didn't really get a break with the housework--so they really had TWO shifts to work.


Well, I now contend that women sociologists work the THIRD shift--we also have our motherly instincts that make us worry about, well, pretty much the entire world of humanity. It takes a lot of energy to think on these levels! We learn some pretty depressing stuff that is highly unlikely to get "fixed" because of the force field of society and its structures that we have created. I spend lots of time worrying about lots of things. I mean, worrying IS my specialty, but now I worry on a larger level. For example, what are we going to do when we have literally used up the resources of the earth? How are those not born into advantaged lives really going to get ahead for themselves and their future generations? How do I live in such prosperity while so much of the world struggles just to eat or have clean water? Then my worries start turning to anger. Why are things so unfair? Why can't we change anything if we don't have power--economic power? Why in the hell do people vote against their own best interests as well as the betterment of others? I shouldn't even get started on these types of issues because I won't be able to stop--or sleep since it will get my mind running and it's getting late.


WHY am I doing this to myself?????


And then I remember...(Also quoted in a previous blog)

“…the evident genius of the human spirit lies in the hard fact of life that we, like our dogs... [are] limited in all the important ways… We cannot do all that our powerful minds trick us into thinking we can. In a word, this is the mystery of being human. Our finest nature is not our ability to think and do. It is that we do and think as we do in spite of the obstacles…On average, the better ones among us continue to think and do what they can with no assurance that solutions will be found.” --Charles Lemert, from preface of Thinking the Unthinkable


And, might I add from the same preface of Lemert's book, "To think about social things is to think through the shell of resistance that cuts of off from the hard truths of life."


So what does this have to do with anything? I want to be one of the better ones among us. I want to cut to the hard truths of life, so that maybe, just maybe, I can make things better for me and for my family--for my daughter and her generation, and generations to come. We are all human, but this is something I CAN do.


In a moment of frustration in class a few weeks ago, I asked my professor how he keeps from going crazy. He had a few thoughts...One was about an old saying he had heard that dated back centuries--I think it was a Jewish saying or something like that. Anyway, it said that as long as there were 35 (or maybe it was 36) truly good men, the world would keep going (or not self-destruct or something along those lines). Anyway, he said that he calculated for population growth and figures there needs to be a lot more than 30-something now and he has decided that he was going to be one of them. He also said he hopes that there may be a time when politicians and public officials will realize that they need to look deeper into social forces--a window in history that will allow for the knowledge thay sociology has gained to become mainstream. And he said that, if and when this time comes, he wants to be part of the contribution of the discipline that can help develop a language to convey some of our important findings to a larger group--and maybe make some qualitative improvement.

What great perspectives! I am stealing them for myself. (I hope he won't mind.) Maybe, right now, it seems like I am reading and writing about things that only others in academia (who clearly have no push or pull in "the system") will share. Maybe I am frustrated when I find something important--like how necessary certain things are for military families that the military ignores or how there are huge groups of children whose needs are ignored because of their parents' low socioeconomic status--and no one knows except others who are as helpless as I am in "the system." But, if there isn't someone doing this work, what will happen if and when that window opens? And, isn't it better to search for knowledge than to ignore it's out there?


So I am working on turning my worry into something more productive. It's a lot of work, but I am going to run with the assumption that it's worth it. I will use my energy in the third shift--and hope the overtime will in some way, some day reach far beyond this computer in a positive manner.

Assimilation

Week 2 down...week 3 starting...mind is mush. I know I had some things I wanted to blog about these past couple of weeks, but those thoughts must have escaped my mind somewhere between Marx, theoretical explanations of social justice, and racial disparities in crime. Oh well, I'm still going to take a few minutes to do something that doesn't involve any of those things.

It has to be completely impossible to READ this much. My eyes always feel like they need to close for a long nap, but they can't because that would take away from the infinite and impossible amount of reading that is before them. While I am soaking up this knowledge--sociological knowledge--the normal stuff in my mind must be seeping out of my ears. I feel dumber. Such is the life of a PhD student, so I've heard...

So, bear with me, I am sure I will ramble and jump from subject to subject without warning and with typos (even more than normal). I hope that I can pull my thoughts together for all of the papers that are coming my way. Oh my!

As I mentioned, I am not quite sure that I totally fit in here. I have a family--the excludes me from, oh, pretty much the entire group of graduate students. Add on to that that I am female and I am just about done having anything in common with my cohort. I am still not sure at all where I am going to fit in--in Knoxville, in the program, in life... Hopefully that will come in time. I'm working on successfully assimilating. Luckily, I don't have time to worry about that (or have a social life) right now so I guess those are minor details, right?

Classes are good--I like the students and professors. It is interesting to be back in a group of people who are more like me in my "former" life (i.e. younger and not a mother). They (the students) discuss the ins and outs of hot dogs, beer, bars, the swine flu, and how to get cheap/free food. The professors are great but seem way too smart for me--I really don't feel like I will ever reach their level. It's a little discouraging but I try to tell myself I am just getting started.

I have also started teaching again for the semester. I love teaching but online teaching is not really my "thing." I am a little hesitant to write what I really think about that experience just in case (by some insanely unlikely coincidence) someone at my place of employment might come across this. Let's just say reading emails is becoming an increasingly painful experience...

Hmmm...what else can I remember about what is going on in my life right now? K is adjusting well to her babysitter and will be starting preschool one day a week soon. My neurotic self is really excited about the socialization experience but terrified of the germs that are going to be all around her and, thus, in our home. Eeewwww!!! Buzz is also doing well in the beginning of his graduate school journey. He says it makes his head hurt, too--we might be a sad bunch by the end of this semester!

I should go walk my dogs...I need some air and so do they. I really will try to remember some of the funny things that happen on a daily basis (now that I am out in the sort-of "real" world more often) to share. I laugh A LOT. Until next time...stay social! :)

Role Conflict

Week 1 down, 4 years to go...

My first week as a PhD student was good, I think. I am busy, busy, busy! K seems to be doing a good job adjusting to our new schedule (she's so awesome) and Buzz is really stepping up to help me out SO much around the house. But I am having some trouble letting go of some of those things. I have always been THE ONE who takes care of K, the dogs, and the house--and all that goes with those responsibilities. I have done this partially because Buzz has been gone so much and partially because I didn't work as much as he did when he was here and partially because it was just something I wanted to do. The hardest part is seeing others do for K what I have always done on my own (or seeing her be so independent that she just does it herself). Don't get me wrong, I am SO proud of her and I know this is part of growing up. She's just turning into such a big girl and, for the first time in her life, I am not the one who is with her 24/7. I'm also worried that Buzz is going to get burnt out quickly--I hope not. (He's pretty amazing, too.)

But back to my week at school...I am the only girl and the only criminology student in my cohort. Of course, I don't fit in AGAIN...story of my life. :) It's not so bad, though. Everyone seems nice and I really think I am going to like the department. I have a ton of reading and am feeling slightly overwhelmed about reading, writing, and living the rest of my life. I am really feeling some role conflict right now. (Role conflict is difficulties that occur when incompatible expectations arise from two or more social positions held by the same person--http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0072435569/student_view0/glossary.html.) I feel like I am pulled in about a million different directions--well, maybe not a million, but at least a few. I'm a student, teacher, mom, and wife among other things. Luckily, I have a supportive "core" around me.

In all honesty, I am not totally sure what to expect through this journey. I hope I make it! I hope I can do this as gracefully as possible without losing my sanity and while still being good to my family members who are OH so good to me! Until next time...

Lucky and Lazy

I'm back to my computer addiction after a week-long vacation. That "vacation" was in Jacksonville, NC sandwiched between two weekend trips to Roanoke, VA--two places I never thought could be vacation spots. For the record, this was the first vacation (other than trips to Roanoke) that we have taken since K was born--and it was a great vacation! I am always saying I am in need of friends. This week showed me that I still have them out there--just dispersed places other than Knoxville!

Anyway, part of my agreement with myself was that I wouldn't do anything too productive this past week. I had to grade, but I even slacked on that a little, thanks to Blackboard flaking out some of the time. Now I am back to my power reading before school (for me) starts, I need to finish a paper to submit for publication, and I need to figure out a budget--which is difficult to do with the financial burden of school and trying to find good (no, great) childcare--which I will NOT skimp on!

In my "off" time, I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I want to do this--I mean, seriously, why would anyone (who has already been in school for 2 years PAST college) want to go back to school for an additional 4 years (at least) filled with stress and an insane amount of reading, writing, etc. on top of it? (And I am the person who finished my BA early because I wanted to get out of school so bad.) All of this on top of having to spend time away from the one person who means more to you than anything you could ever imagine? I think I have come up with an answer--I'm lazy. I know, not the conventional answer you would expect to those questions, right? I don't mean lazy in the I really never do ANYTHING sense, I mean lazy in the paid work sense.

I am lazy--and I am going to work my ass off for the next 4 years while incurring an insane amount of student loans so I can eventually make some money being lazy. Few things in this world bring me pure joy--my daughter, my husband, my dogs (my family in general). But also, I love sociology. I love learning. I enjoy teaching (most of the time). Although it can get stressful, "doing sociology" has never felt like "real" work to me. I like it. Among many other benefits, it gives me an outlet for my to use my overthinking brain for something other than self destruction. :) And I like teaching because it gives me a chance to bring some of this positive learning into other people's lives...and it gives me lots of autonomy. I don't like being told what to do--teaching gives me flexibility in my "work" activities. Again, teaching doesn't really feel like work to me.

So I am going back to school in order to be an authority in my field, which will allow me to teach at higher levels. Assuming I make it to my goal of becoming a PhD, teaching will allow me a lot of things that will help in my pursuit of laziness. I can have summers off and winter breaks will be here to stay--which will allow me more mommy time. Don't get me wrong, I know there is a lot of "work" to be done during semesters and there will be researching to do even during my "breaks." But, again, it doesn't feel like work to me--and it's done on MY time. I will be a happier person which will help me be a better mom and wife--and individual.

I am truly a lucky, LUCKY lady to have this opportunity to pursue my dreams of laziness. I am so fortunate to have an amazing daughter who adapts relatively easily to new people and situations. I am so thankful for a husband whose career (paycheck) allows me the opportunity to do this without the necessity of getting over my head in paid work responsibilities. (Don't get me wrong, the budget issue is still an issue, but we have food on the table, a roof over our heads, cars to drive, and lots of extras in our lives. And, also don't get me wrong, I often think his work SUCKS and I hate that it takes him away from our family for extended periods of time--but it's what he wants to do and it makes him happy--not to mention he makes me proud.) And I am so blessed to have that husband who is supportive of me and my goals. He does tell me that he is doing this for selfish reasons--that I will one day be his "sugar momma" and he can play golf and drink beer all day. (I guess laziness goals run in our household.) I am fine with that. :)

So these next couple of weeks, I am going to enjoy my opportunity to truly be lazy. Then, I am going to work as hard as I can in all areas of my life (and probably hate that life and question my decision to go back to school on a regular basis) so that I can be "Dr. Beth" one day--which will allow me to open the world of education and sociology to others while keeping up my lazy habits. I am such a lucky girl! :)

Watch out, Blogging...there's a new stress reliever in town!

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. "Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2." ~Ellen DeGeneres

My mind wanders and worries all the time--especially when I am trying to sleep! So I am trying yoga. Other than Wii Fit and a YMCA class, I am pretty much yoga illiterate. Thanks to a friend from my master's program who happens to be a yoga instructor (to whom I am very thankful), I have found this great site where you can "take" classes online (as well as some other yoga info both from my friend and the site). (The site is http://www.lulubandhas.com/portal/luluvu/democlass .) Anyway, I am learning A LOT about myself--I think that's part of the purpose of yoga. I am learning I am not flexible anymore, there is never more than a few minutes of quiet in my house, my mind has a hard time shutting off and I am pretty sure that my mind and my body are at war with each other. (And I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing.) :) I have also found out that I feel a lot better about most things (physically and mentally) on the days I have time to practice--even if it's just for a few minutes at the very least the tension in my upper body hides out for a while and I can breathe better. That tells me this is one of the very few things that I do for MYself and is a huge benefit for me (and probably the others around me.)

But I am left with lots of questions. If this is so good for me, then why can't I find time (or make time) to do this every day? Why am I so tense? How do people with kids and dogs fit this (or any other type of relaxation) in to their schedules...especially if they work and/or go to school? How do you stay relaxed and keep a positive attitude when the ones around you are mad, sad, or have bad attitudes? Sometimes, I am not sure where all of my uneasiness comes from--I have everything that I could ever need or want yet my bad attitude shines on. I am happy on every level, but I often don't think I am happy enough--especially when those around me aren't sunshiny people (for lack of a better term). I understand that part of yoga is about believing that things are okay the way they are. Uh, that's not going to happen for me. I mean, the queen of worry would just be setting herself up for failure and anger toward yoga if I put that on my list of things I want to accomplish with yoga! I'll stick to yoga goals like physical fitness, relaxation, and a better attitude. But I would like to be a little more independent with my emotions, per se (like not letting others rain on MY sunshiny days).

I do hope I can work on getting to know myself better--and when I say myself I mean as a PERSON and not all the labels that are attached to me (by myself or others). Especially as I start to take on more responsibilities with the beginning of school, I need to remember to take a little bit of time for myself--FIND and MAKE that time--so that I can perform better for myself and others. I am working on adopting the attitude that I don't always have to be running around DOing something...sometimes it's best to just hang out and take a break (even if that break is a type work--like yoga). I am not sure if I will ever take that attitude as my own--there's always something to clean, someone to take care of, a paper to write, a book to read, etc. But, hopefully, with practice the effort it takes for me to relax will become less and less and just sitting there can be much more peaceful! Right now, yoga is a lot of work for me but I think it's worth it.

"You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state." ~Sharon Gannon