Is it just me?

Is it just me, or...

Do other husbands leave their dirty clothes in every room in the house?  I mean, I don't feel it is ever appropriate to have dirty socks in the dining room.

Do other people get mosquito bites in random places?  Apparently a swarm attacked my bootie!

Do Blackberry's suck?

Speaking of technology, has the technological revolution gone too far with social media?  I mean, how connected is too connected?

Do others ever wonder what their dog is thinking?

Do other people love their "work" while at the same time want to do nothing other than hang out with their kid(s)?  (Hello, cognitive dissonance.)

Am I the only one who loses sleep after seeing an actor or actress on tv/a movie and can't remember what else he/she has been in?

Does the saying "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times" bother anyone else?  If someone's told me something once...they've told me once, not a million times.

Do other teachers literally bang their head against the wall while questioning the purpose of their existence while grading?

Is it common to feel like you're finally catching up financially only to have some minor (or major) disaster set you back...again?

Does singing in the car free the soul?

Do others find it impossible to ever have ALL the laundry done...and put away?

Does playing the "what if" game keep you up at night?

Do the parents who get really competitive at their young (i.e. 4-8 year old) children's sports events really get on your nerves?  This is supposed to be fun, people!

Does holding hot change make your teeth hurt?  (I think this came from having braces for too many years.)

Are the of words "I love you, Mom." the best on earth?

Can petting a dog really solve 85ish % of your problems?

Do you stir about the fact that owning a pet is so irrational, since your best friend is getting really old?

Do other people give voices to their pets?

Does mom-guilt bother you really bad?

Do you wish you could just hug away all of life's "bad/challenging/mean/though stuff" from your kid(s)?  But realize it's your job to teach them how to handle it...and freak out a little bit?  (That's a big job!)

Do you forget what it was like to not be a mom?

Does it seem impossible that you were ever young and carefree?

Does humidity make other people's hair look like something from a low-budget 80s video?

Do others only buy stuff on sale at the end of the season, so that their "fashion" is always at least a year behind...and not really care?

Do other people not really even know what is in fashion?

Should summer never end?  (I miss Florida.)

Is the beach the best place on the planet?

Do people who get really agitated while driving make YOUR blood pressure rise...yet you can't help but watch in amazement at other people's insanity?  (I recently witnessed what almost became a fist fight over a gas pump.)

Do other people stew over crazy questions?  :)

Just wondering...

Head on over to

and find out what's going on in other people's heads today. 

When I grow up...

"Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of that journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy of the climb."
--Winston Churchill

Age 5:  When I grow up, I want to be an astronaut, a movie star, or one of those people who run the checkout register at the grocery store.

Age 8:  When I grow up, I want to be a lifeguard, or maybe an Olympic gymnast.

Age 10:  When I grow up, I want to be a teacher.

Age 12:  When I grow up, I want to be a veterinarian.

[7th grade--A friend is in a horrible car accident, leaving him with TBI.  I spend many hours at a pediatric hospital for head trauma]

Age 13:  When I grow up, I want to be a physical therapist.

Age 14:  When I grow up, I think I really do want to be a veterinarian.

[I take a biology class--not my thing.]

Age 15:  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  Why are we talking about this?

[Buzz, who I have been dating for nearly 2 years, joins the Marine Corps]

Age 17:  When I grow up, I want to be a Marine wife.

[I enter college and have to make decisions on what I want to be when I grow up]

Age 18:  Uh, when I grow up, I want to, uh, be in banking?  [Buzz and I break up as I am in college in VA and he is stationed in CA]  When I grow up, I want to be anything but a Marine wife.

Age 19:  I don't like accounting.  When I grow up, I want to be a physical therapist--that will be so rewarding.  [Volunteered for a summer at a pediatric physical therapy clinic]  I can't be a physical therapist--I'm way to emotionally involved and I would be a wreck all the time.  Hmmm, I'll be an economics major--it's still business but I don't have to take any more accounting.

Age 21:  [I graduate college and get a job as a commercial credit analyst at the bank where I have worked as teller and as a clerical assistant]  When I grow up, I want to be a VP of this bank.

[I'm miserable at my job.  I hate sitting in a cubicle all day.  I decide I need to go back to school and go back to the teller line, where I can be around people again, while I make some decisions...and start taking sign language classes.]

Age 21 1/2:  When I grow up I want to be a teacher.  I'm going to grad school to get a master's in education.

[Re-enter Buzz, our engagement, and marriage]

Age 22:  Oh good grief, can I ever have a career?

[I enter graduate program for deaf education, begin working at a elementary school for deaf kids.]

Age 23:  When I grow up, I want to educate deaf kids.

[Job at the elementary school is too emotionally draining and I can't finish that program before Buzz gets restationed.  I enter the master's in applied sociology program at the same university]

Age 24:  When I grow up, I want to do something with sociology.  I will go get my PhD.

[I decide it's time to start a family because Buzz will soon be deploying.  Pregnancy finds me immediately.  **YAY!!!**  No immediate plans for PhD school--only mommyhood]

Age 25:  When I grow up, I want to be this little girl's mommy.

[After being a stay at home mom for a year, I start teaching community college part-time]

Age 26:  I mainly want to be a mommy, but when I grow up, I want to teach.  Wait, I miss working with people with hearing impairments.  Maybe I want to be a speech-language pathologist--then I could do both.

[I apply and get accepted to a distance education program for SLP.  Buzz gets ready to deploy again.  I can't handle the program with a 2 year old.  I realize I need to get my priorities straight and decide not to begin said program.]

Age 27:  When I grow up, I want to be a mommy--and maybe still teach community college--but probably just part-time.

[We find out that Buzz will be restationed near a Research I university with a sociology program.  I apply--late--and still get in.]

Age 28:  When I grow up, I want to be a sociologist--though I don't know if I want to concentrate on research or teaching--and, first and foremost, I want to be a mommy.

[PhD school is very hard and demanding--it's even rougher with a family and all the challenges of military life.]

Age 30:  When I grow up, I want to be a mommy--why did I go back to school?  Well, maybe I'm just upset...when it comes down to it, I do still want to be a sociologist, too...I just don't know if I want to go research (most of the time, I don't but the thought crosses my mind), teaching, industry (probably not), or non-profit (that sounds rewarding).  I just want to get out of grad school, then I will work on making these decisions, based on where the Marine Corps takes us.  Wait, why is my daughter telling me what she wants to be when she grows up?  I don't want her to grow up so fast!  (sigh)  Well, back to my own school work...

Moral of this story:  Sometimes you go 3 decades with many changes and challenges in your life, you may be working on a doctorate and STILL not know exactly what you want to be when you grow up.  And that's okay.  Grad school is not a cop-out for me--as some have suggested--so that I don't have to make this decision.  I know that this field will lead me to the right thing--and give me options if my tastes change.  It also gives me the flexibility to spend summers with my daughter and I have had more at home-time with her WHILE doing something in pursuit of a career.  Complicated?  Absolutely!  This doesn't change and seems to get worse with age, education level, and Marine wife life.  Do I take conventional routes? No.  Decisive? No.  I'm not conventional or decisive except for the fact that mom is my #1 job...and everything else will work itself out.  Part of the fun of deciding what you will be when you "grow up" is the journey that takes you there.

Misunderstood

**Disclaimer:  I love my husband and all of the people who support me in my life.  I am a genuinely happy person, but sometimes, I just gotta let out the griping...and what better time then when I can

(And, my apologies...it's a long one--I'm making up for lost time.)

I've been MIA from the blogging world lately.  I literally have not had 10 minutes to sit down and write if it was not for school, teaching, exams, or a publication.  So, here I am.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of doing so much.  I'm tired of being so misunderstood.

I've mentioned before how I don't fit in--in military wife life OR in grad school life, because each is so different from the other and I'm juggling both sets of roles and responsibilities in two different arenas where neither side understands the other.  But it goes deeper than that.  I get so FRUSTRATED when people think I'm "just" a stay at home mom.  First of all, HELLO?!?  "JUST" does not belong in that phrase.  Mommyhood is the hardest (yet best and most rewarding) job on the planet and it gets under my skin when people take it upon themselves to say how that's not a big deal.  But I digress...

I AM a mom first and foremost.  This is the way I want it.  It is my favorite of my favorite roles.  But I am also many other things: 

-I am a military wife. That's not an easy job.  My husbands's job dictates not only his life but my daughter's and my lives.  He never has the option to put off his responsibilities--nope, it's always my commitments that have to give.  People MISUNDERSTAND a military wife's place in her family--and in the military structure itself.  It is hard to pursue anything for yourself in this life.  You never know what's around the corner, but you know YOU will be the one who must be flexible.  YOU will have to be the one to break plans and mold your life to his duties.  YOU will have to live in his shadow--no matter what I accomplish, he always "trumps" me in the eyes of others.  That's fine--he deserves it.  I have the utmost respect for our military and have seen first-hand how much they sacrifice and have witnessed their superhuman strengths and abilities.  BUT I wish that didn't have to negate MY accomplishments.  I work hard, too.  I keep this family together in his absence.  I, for all practical purposes single-handedly raise our amazing daughter.  And, this is fine with me because I love it.  I only wish I had more time away from other responsibilities to do more fun things with my little lady--but I feel bad for her missing out on a "normal" family life (whatever that is) and I feel bad for him missing out on fatherhood on a more regular basis.  I pay the bills--no, it's not MY income that pays the majority of the bills, but I am the one who make sure things get paid.  I clean the house, I mow the grass (sometimes, like today), I cook every meal that we eat at home.  I handle the house, the cars, the EVERYTHING that keeps us above water.  Does that not deserve some credit?

-I'm a teacher--a college instructor.  This is not an easy job, either.  It's very important but it involves a lot of work, time, and effort--and irritation at times.  It took a lot of hard work, education, and sacrifice to make it this far.  MY merits got me here.  But people don't seem to understand.  "Oh, you JUST teach online" they say.  Yes--but this is also A LOT of work.  Maybe more work than being IN the classroom--which I have also done and will be doing again come August.  Not to mention, I'm trying to work WHILE taking care of all of my at home duties--they don't shut off during "work" hours.  Or, "Oh, it's JUST community college" others might add.  What's up with "JUST" coming before all of the things that challenge and reward me as an individual?  Community college is no walk in the park.  Imagine a group of 30 people, all from very diverse backgrounds with a variety of goals, family situations, ages, etc. and try to come up with a course that can reach all of them.  Not the easiest thing on earth.

-I am a graduate student.  "Oh, you're in school?" people say with a strange tone as if to look down upon me.  Yes.  I am a 30 year old and I am STILL in school.  I am STILL in school because my husband (who I fully and wholeheartedly support) has a career that has taken me places and put me in situations that made it impossible to get this far without breaks in my education.  And when I say "this far" I mean I am working on my PhD.  A very, very small fraction of the population has such credentials.  I don't think I am better than anyone else and question this decision on a daily basis.  It's not for everyone, that's for sure!  But do I not deserve SOME recognition for these accomplishments?  Maybe people just don't understand.  I write--I publish--I work very, very hard to be the best that I can be and make a name for myself--a career for myself.

I'm also a daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend, and pet owner among other things.  I take everything in stride, though I do get down and complain sometimes (okay, a lot).  But don't we all deserve to just let it out sometimes?  To remind people that we are ALL unique in our own ways...and it is all relative. We only know what we have had the opportunity to experience.  I just feel so misunderstood so often...by so many people in my life.  My colleagues do not get the military experience, my military acquaintances don't get the grad school experience, my civilian acquaintances who haven't been to grad school don't get either. I get moved around to places that make getting the job I want, that I have worked so hard for in pursuing this PhD, nearly impossible.  But I go.  I follow.  I remain in the shadow hoping for the chance to be seen in a brighter light for MY accomplishments in all areas of my life.  Thankfully, I have an amazing group of friends and family who, while they may not understand me fully, are my rocks.  I'm so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people--especially on days like today.

I said a long time ago that I was going to stop being irritated and start being proud.  So, in my bloggity journal, this is that time when I got it out and turn over that new leaf.  So, go me!  I am so super proud that in a single day I spend time with the most amazing little girl on the planet (in my eyes), make our house (that we are blessed to have) clean and beautiful--including the yard, make sure our bills are paid, run a half mile farther than I have been running, work on a publication, prepare for an exam that will put me one step closer to PhD status, work on my dissertation project, and feed my family.  Our family lives a life with many battles and challenges, but that just makes us stronger.  We might not be "normal" by any standard, but the opporunities and experiences we are privy to on this journey are priceless.  As are the amazing people we meet along the way.  When I put it that way, I guess it doesn't matter who does or does not understand me from the inside out, as long as I can stay strong, keep pushing forward doing the right thing, and have my rocks to stablize me on this crazy journey.

Okay.  Griping done.  Stay tuned...when time permits, I'm still working on putting on my "happy blog face."

And, I'll leave you again with one of my favorite quotes that I break out when I feel like I'm pushing against a brick wall.  It reminds me that I must keep plugging along, even when the going gets tough.  Obstacles before me, beware!  :)

 “…the evident genius of the human spirit lies in the hard fact of life that we, like our dogs…[are] limited in all the important ways… We cannot do all that our powerful minds trick us into thinking we can. In a word, this is the mystery of being human. Our finest nature is not our ability to think and do. It is that we do and think as we do in spite of the obstacles…On average, the better ones among us continue to think and do what they can with no assurance that solutions will be found.”

--Charles Lemert

 

Say hello to my old friend, rambling insanity

The Recent Past

Yesterday:

We bought a new car to replace the one that was totaled from the storm.  Exciting--the new car smell is, but beyond that, not so much.  Another car payment...plus, we got a good deal on a new car with some dents from hail damage, so the dents stress me out--but we got so much off (along with the extremely low new car interest rate, warranty, and no maintenance for a few years--which is good since we just put new brakes, tires, battery, etc. into the totaled car) we figure we can do some paintless dent repair and still come out ahead. AHHH!  [Deep breath]

2 days ago:

I came back home from visiting my mom who is recovering from her double knee replacement, after I took her to her first post-surgery doctor's appointment.  I am so happy I was able to be a part of that.  I'm glad she is doing so well, but I hated to leave while she is still in the inpatient rehab center.  I also want to start a movement to raise awareness for the life-altering affects of arthritis and joint replacement surgery.  (My mom now has 3 artificial joints--she also had her hip replaced the year I got pregnant.)  My mom is amazing and doing better everyday.  Her strength and speed improved so much in the short time I was there.

A week ago:

I helped my mother to walk.  It's a tough thing to see such a strong person you love so much in such a helpless physical condition.  I am so proud of her progress. She is not (and never was truly) helpless.  She is so amazing.  In order to get there to see her, I had to speed through my final semester papers.  I put a lot of work and thought into them, but I always stress that it's not good enough.

10 days ago:

I won the award for excellence in graduate for my Department for this year.  Proud?  Yes, I am so honored.  But this was still a stressful situation for two reasons:  1.  I was not there to accept the award.  My name was not on the email invitation to the event.  How embarrassing!  Not my fault, but still a humiliating spin to what should be a great day.  2.  I am seriously stressing out over my comprehensive exam in research methodology which I will take next week.  How humiliating is it going to be if I fail that exam after being recognized with such an award?

15 days ago:

A hail storm totaled my (now old) car and wrecked our house.  It was scary.  I am still worried about literally continuing to pick up the pieces from that disaster.  But I am still so very thankful that we were so blessed to be safe.  My heart goes out to others whose lives were damaged (where it was just our property) by the natural disasters two weeks ago.

The Near Future

Today:

I should be studying right now.  I have a house to clean, a child to play with, dogs to walk, papers to grade, final grade reports to submit, emails to answer...  And I'm waiting on the air conditioner repair guy to come because that is broken, too (but not because of the storm--because it's the original central air unit from when the house was built, in 1988).

Tomorrow:

Buzz goes out of town for the weekend for work, leaving me with no extra help and no extra hands to get everything done and try to adequately prepare for the upcoming exam.

This weekend:

I am missing a friend's wedding (in my hometown) because I can't get away from the studying.  K has a birthday party to attend, I have study group for the exam, I must study individually for the exam, and final grades are due for the classes I teach.

A week from today:

I must take the comp exam.

8 days from today:

I hope to go home for the weekend to visit my mom.  She should be home by then.

The rest of May:

I have data to analyze for a research partner for conference presentations and articles.  I am also supposed to be working on 1-2 more papers with a professor at school.

June:

I hope to read a handful of fiction novels.

July:

Buzz is gone most of the month for work.  Depending on whether or not I pass the comp next week, I will either be retaking that exam or taking my final comp exam in my substantive area in late July/early August.  My dissertation proposal will be due soon--hopefully in August because that will mean I passed both exams on the first try.  AHHHH!  [Another deep breath]

The Not-Far-Enough-Away, Yet Too Far Away
and Fraught with Worry Future
What will happen at this time next year?  Buzz will likely be off to Missouri for about 6 months.  But what about K and me?  Where will we be?  I don't want her to have to go to 2 schools in 1 year if we can help it.  Will we sell our house?  Will I be done with my PhD (yeah right)?  Will I have a job?  If I get a job, will it be close to Buzz's next duty station (which we will not find out about until he is done in Missouri)?  What curve ball with the Marine Corps throw at us this time?  There's always a curve ball.  I'm a planner.  But I can't be in military wife life.  And now that I am ready to start a career of my own, it's even harder.  Not to mention my daughter and her well-being is involved--and the #1 priority.  I don't know what to do--because I don't know what will be happening.  I'm worried and nervous.  I'm scared.  The only certainty is that Buzz will deploy again--my least favorite certainty.  The rest is up in the air.  I don't do well with up in the air--this is my family, my life.  [Oh yeah, more deep breaths...]

The Right Now

I am doing another double-dip link-up (hope no one minds) to pour my heart out (above) and share my song for the week (below) which describes just how I feel about this whole mess of a situation.  I want time to blog more (I want to do a lot of things more, like play with K more often and for longer, read fiction, watch movies...), but my roller coaster of a busy life, with military, motherhood, work, school, natural disasters, and other family responsibilities thrown in, has put me on leave most of the time.  But I love these two link-ups.  So, I think the song below nicely sums up how I am feeling right now.  I WANT to do all of these things (well, I don't WANT to take exams, but I have a strong desire to finish my PhD, so that goes along with it) but I feel like time is constantly beating me over the head--especially when everything seems to happen all at once.  So, I do think I'm out of my mind BUT tomorrow's just another day, and (as a defense mechanism, I have decided) I don't believe in time. 

Head over to

to pour your heart out and read some other great blogs

AND

Check out

for links to the best dance party in blog-land and to add YOUR song!

Preoccupied

It's that time again...to

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus lately with everything going on, but I can usually find time to

pour my heart out...

Papers need to be written, presentations need to be prepared, assignments need grading, the summer course needs to be prepared, dissertation work is piling up, that comp exam is right around the corner, the house needs to be cleaned, I would like to write a blog, the dogs need to be walked, I haven't spent enough FUN/play time with K, the grocery store trip has been put off too long and the list goes on...

Why am I so non-productive?  Writers block?  Generally.  Lack of motivation?  Most of the time.  Lack of coherent thoughts?  Always.  Lack of energy?  Uh, maybe.  Guilt?  That's the result from not being able to play with K as much as I want.  Laziness?  Could be.

But what's the REAL reason NOW?  Preoccupation.  My mind is elsewhere...

My mom had her double knee replacement yesterday.  Was I there?  No.  Guilt consumes me.  She says it is okay that I'm not there--my dad and my amazing aunt have been by her side.  But it's not me.  I'm getting stories and updates second-hand.  I will be there in a couple of days...but my mind is already there.  I want so much from this...for her.  My mom was never able to get down on the ground to play with me.  She couldn't run around outside.  She couldn't go for long walks on vacations.  I always wanted her to do these things with me.  Now, being a mother, I realize how difficult not being able to participate in those simple things must have been for her.  She is always there for me and is an amazing mom...and now she is also an amazing friend.  But I want so many things for her.  I want her to stand up without pain.  I want her not to struggle to walk.  I want her to go for a long walk on the beach, go to the zoo with my daughter.  I want the pain to be gone.

But for now, the pain is here.  It is incomprehensible to me.  She has lived with a level of pain that most people never experience on a daily basis for so long.  But now, it's a new chapter of pain.  She knows she must work through the pain and mental and physical hardships to be able to, for the first time in her adult life, do what most people can do without a second thought.  She will learn to walk again.  She will have to stand first.  It will be painful.  It will be hard.  She will overcome.  But I want to be there.  I need to be there.  I am trying to tell myself this is not what she needs me for.  She needs me to be there later...when we are walking at the zoo, when she can keep up with us without us slowing down.  When she can "show off."  I want so much for her.  But, for me, I want to be there...now, not Friday, now.

But I'm here.  And, in the meantime, I will look forward to phone updates from others and brief phone conversations with my mom.  And I will try to check off some things on the to-do list.  But I will remain preoccupied.

Deep Breaths and New Beginnings

I have been holding all of this in for the past 7 months.  I am still so very uncomfortable with the thought and I have stewed all day about whether to hit "Publish Post" or not...but I think it's time to pour my heart out.

Here's the Cliff's Notes version...

"She got the call today, One out of the gray.  And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away.  She said she didn't believe, it could happen to me, I guess we're all one phone call from our knees..."  --Mat Kearney

The Call
September 15, 2010, approximately 8:30 am...I dropped K off at school and, for the first time, she cried when I was leaving.  It was hard.  I had a "female doctor" appointment and was heading home to shower and get ready for that lovely experience when my cell phone rang.  It was my mom--from her cell phone.  I was confused but so upset about the experience with K I didn't freak out or anything.  We made small talk for a few minutes before she told me my dad was in the hospital.  He had a heart attack the night before and they were awaiting results to know if surgery was needed or if some stints would do the job.  Buzz, of course, was in Norway.  I took a deep breath and pushed through my day.  I told my mom I would call her after my doctor appointment.  (Deep breath)  I called her from the parking lot and heard the news--he needed bypass surgery.  (Deep breath) I told her I was on my way home.  Luckily, I was able to get Buzz on the phone.

The Drive Home
Thank goodness for my amazing friends!  One took me to the airport to get Buzz's car (which is much easier to travel in with K and the dogs) and another friend picked K up from school.  I haphazardly packed and we loaded up for the four hour trip.  (Deep breath) Thankfully, we were not too far away.  But it was enough time to reflect on how all of our lives changed that day.  If you follow my awkwardness, you know that I have issues with emotions.  I HAVE them, but EXPRESSING them appropriately is not my forte.  I reflected on my love for my dad even though we don't often exchange heartfelt words.  I reflected on the strength it must have taken for my mom to drive him to the hospital, listen to the news, and call me.  (Deep breath)  I shared the news with K.  She was worried and concerned...she has my heart and soul.  (Deep breath)

The Visit
Seeing my dad in the hospital before his surgery was hard.  He is not one to be bed-ridden or slow down for long periods of time.  He never had any major medical problems before.  And he had to wait a week for surgery--they gave him blood-thinners at the hospital because he was not "showing" the severity of the blockage in his heart so they thought they would just put stints in.  Not the case.  (Deep breath)  They had to wait for all of that medicine to get out of his system before (deep breath) performing open heart surgery.  In true-my-dad-fashion, he was actually able to go home for the weekend between the admission to the hospital and the surgery.  I think this was good for everyone.

The Surgery
(Deep breath) The day arrived.  Luckily, Buzz was able to get home from Norway.  I estimate he arrived at my parents' house at approximately the same time my dad was going in to surgery.  When I woke up that morning I kept repeating to myself "Deep breath.  New beginnings.  Have faith in others.  Repeat."  This was all I could do to calm my mind knowing (deep breath) that my dad's heart had stopped and a machine was breathing for him while they performed (deep breath) what would turn out to be quintuple bypass surgery.  (Deep breath)  The surgery took between 4 and 5 hours.

The Walk
My mom and my aunt sat at the hospital during the entire surgery.  My mom, bless her heart, had stayed every night with him at the hospital.  And my dear, dear aunt was there for her from the time they took my dad to pre-op until the afternoon after the walk.  I made it for about the last hour or so of the surgery.  I was having a very hard time thinking of the whole stopping of the heart thing.  We made small-talk--my mom held it together very well.  My mom was facing the walkway and she stopped mid-sentence and her whole face changed.  I turned around and it was the heart surgeon, standing at the other end of the room.  He was probably about 30 feet away but as he slowly walked across the room with no expression on his face, it felt like the walk took 10 minutes.  Then, he stood there, still expressionless in front of us--and finally told us things went well, and he bypassed 5 arteries.  (Deep breaths)  The tears started to flow from my mom.  I have never wanted to cry so bad in my whole life and been able to keep it in.  (Deep breath)  My mom was soon able to go see him in recovery.  (I couldn't go because I had a sinus infection...but I did see him the day after--it was tough.)  (Deep breath)  A new life had begun...and there was a long journey ahead.

Deep Breaths
I had to remember to breathe.  To keep myself together and calm.  I still do.

New Beginnings
My dad gets a second chance.  I get a second chance.  My mom gets a second chance.  It is an ongoing process, but so far, so good.  My dad's health is amazing.  He is healthier than he has been in years.  He looks stellar.  I am never, ever going to take any part of any second with a loved one for granted.  Less than 2 months after my dad's heart attack, my best friend's dad had a heart attack--and did not make it.  My mother-in-law and father-in-law died young of heart disease, 58 and 64, respectively.  We are the lucky ones.  The pain was bad for my dad.  I know it had to be tough.  He was strong but I can't begin to imagine the physical pain.  I remember telling my mom a line I heard on Grey's Anatomy (I know, but I love that show)--This was healing pain.  This means we won.  They have had many hurdles to overcome and have faced each of them with strength and have overcome every obstacle in their path.  They both are amazing.  Did I mention, this means we won?

Have Faith in Others
This is hard for me.  As a control-freak, I don't like to rely on others to get anything done.  But in this case, it was not about me.  I had to have faith that other human beings would come through--that the surgeon's hands would work magic; that my dad would move forward and make the healthy choices he needed to make.  They did.  We won.

Moving Forward
My mom was scheduled for a double knee replacement 2 weeks after my dad's heart attack.  Obviously, that got postponed.  Next week, she will have the surgery.  I'm scared of surgery--all surgery.  But I am working to turn my perception--this life-changing event spilled past my dad.  My mom is healthier--she eats heart-healthy now, too, which is good for the whole body.  Her perspective on life has changed, too, I believe.  I'm ready for another new beginning for her.  She has struggled her whole life just to walk.  I am working now to (deep breath) look past the physical and emotional toll this will take on her.  I am looking to another new beginning--where my mom can walk with my dad (he walks most every day now--he's so amazing) and where she can go to the zoo with K and me.  Where she can park her car and make it to the store, work, wherever pain-free.  But (deep breath) I must also have faith in others, again.  I do have faith that she will do what she needs to do and push through the pain until that goes away and the pain-free future, her next new beginning, takes hold.  I am working to have faith that the surgeon will perform his best surgery yet.  I must put the past emotional toll of my dad's ordeal behind me.  We won.  I am working to be optimistic.  I am scared of the pain my mom will endure but I am hopeful for all that she can do once she has working knees.  (Deep breath)  I must breathe through until the next win is on the books.  (Deep breath)

Mean People

I do my best not to ramble and complain on here, but sometimes, you just have to do it!  So I'm linking up and pouring my heart out today.



"The best portion of a good man's life - his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love." ~William Wordsworth

Why are people so mean?  And why can't I just shake it off?  WHY?  This past week I have felt the meanness from a variety of sources.  Some mean encounters are worse than others--I think there is a mean encounter spectrum that goes from mildly annoying and hurtful to completely devastating.  Some of these recent encounters have come from people I am close to, yet continue to get the vibe that they think they are better than me.  These are merely annoying and hurt only mildly because I know they still love me.  Some come from acquaintances who think their knowledge is far superior to my own.  These don't really hurt but make me wonder why they would even open their mouths.  Did their mothers not teach them if they can't say something nice to not say anything at all?  Some come from complete strangers who mistake my identity for a fellow mean person (despite my attempts to prove the opposite) and ruin way more of my time than I should ever allow them to. 

I truly try to live my life to be the nicest person I can be--to everyone with whom I come into contact.  I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  But I believe, from the bottom of my heart, that everyone deserves some kindness and a smile--at least until they give you a reason to act otherwise. 

Apparently there are lots of people who do not share my feelings.  There are people out there who pride themselves on being jerkfaces and/or act like they have something to prove with their mean actions.  I guess there are people out there who lack empathy, compassion, and human kindness.  They seem to think that their evil exterior is attractive--or maybe they have something deep inside they are trying to hide.  Or maybe they don't know they are being mean (doubt it) or maybe they have just never been taught how to act.  I don't know what it is.  But lately I have been feeling very tested in my kind-heartedness.  I am appalled at the ways a stranger--a mean person--can push you down so far.  I am horrified at how others who may or may not know the real me can judge me so harshly.  I am sickened by the ways that chance encounters with mean people can throw an individual, full force, into undesirable situations that they have always been able to avoid because they think before they act and try to be a bigger person.

So what do I do?  I suppose I need to work on keeping my chin up and not let a few negative experiences overshadow the kindness and awesomeness that generally shines on my life.  I suppose I need to be the one to stop the insanity in my head of letting mean people bring me down.  I suppose leading by example is the best way to run with this--by practicing the Golden Rule.  And I will remind myself, and anyone else who ventures to read this rambling incoherent mess (rambling and incoherent because I'm at a loss for words because I am so unfamiliar with the insanity of being mean just for the sake of it), that a smile doesn't cost anything. Usually kindness is contagious but I am learning more and more that some people are just immune.  That doesn't negate its strength.  So, I will just hope the best for those mean people and turn the other cheek (now that I have gotten it out here).  I guess the best way to get over it is to know that they can't beat me or get me down--and not let the mean people win. 

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."  --Author unknown

***UPDATE***
Let me just say that the first few comments these amazing ladies have left today have reminded me of all of the goodness that is still out there.  Thank goodness for NICE people!!!  Those are the people who truly deserve the recognition!  :)

Pour Your Heart Out: Almost 9 years

I will spare you my "I love my dog" speech.  (Feel free to check out my insane love for all of my dogs as chronicled on this blog.)  I know everyone loves their pets--as they should!  But my love for my dog Sampson goes beyond wagging tails, sloppy kisses, and long walks.  Sampson makes me who I am as a person--I don't care if I sound crazy (since I'm pouring my heart out and all).  And my love for him goes deep...into my bank account.  I cannot even fathom the amount of money we have spent on this dude.  Sometimes, I think of all of the things I could have if he wasn't so expensive.  But then, I realize I don't care.  He is worth every penny--hell, I can't even count pennies with him anymore because that unit of measurement is too small--he's worth ever hundred--every thousand--that has been put into his care.  (My husband may or may not agree with me fully.)  After losing our Angel-girl a few years ago, I KNEW that we would continue to do everything within our means to give Sampson every healthy, happy day he has in him.  The only solace I got from losing Angel was that I knew we went to every length humanly possible to give her the life she deserved to live from the day we brought her home from the boxer rescue.

Today, we went back to Sampson's integrative medicine doctor at UT.... 

Sam the Man riding shotgun to the vet

It was an amazing visit.  I am so scared to even give too many details because I'm a bit superstitious and seriously scared of jinxing things.  Let's just say that both the doctor and I teared up as I left--with happy, proud tears.  Sampson, God-willing, will turn 9 next month.  There was a time I did not believe he would make it this long.  No, I'm not living in a fantasy world that he will live FOREVER and I know (as hard as it is to think about) his natural lifespan is reaching a limit quicker than I would like.  But "9" means so much to me right now.  Along this journey, there were procedures and medicines I almost did not try for him because I worried it was a lost cause.  It wasn't. He's still here. Before his exploratory surgery, I made a deal with him.  If he promised me he would keep on fighting while he could AND if he promised to let me know when he wasn't ready to fight anymore so I would KNOW when he was ready to go, I would do my best to give him all the care he needed and give him a walk most days (even if it's a short one).  So far, he's kept up his end of the bargain--and I have continued his top-notch care and done mostly a good job in the walk department (with LOTS of help from Buzz).  He's amazing. Even his doctor today said he is different from other Boxers in 1. that he is not dumb as a box of rocks and 2. his sensitivity.  He has emotions and feelings--he has empathy, I swear.  He is just the best.

I feel like dogs have the ability to bring out the best in people.  Somehow, at least for me, they have the ability to literally touch my soul.  In the past almost 9 years, Sampson has been by my side for all of the changes, ups and downs, military life-issues (including moves, deployments, various separations), newlywed issues, motherhood issues, graduate school issues.  You name it, he has been there.  He has shown me unconditional love and friendship every step along the way.  He has taught me so many things (including a lot of medical terminology and how to squeeze the most out of a dollar).  He has been the sloppy kiss when I needed it most but least expected it, given me a kidney bean dance when I needed a partner with whom to celebrate, and been a silent shoulder when I needed a friend to listen or just to be there.  He's watched over my daughter when she's been sick or sad.  He's licked away the tears of every one of my family members.  He has truly warmed my heart on so many levels.  I can't find the words to adequately pour my heart out beyond these words written by Richard Biby:

From time to time people tell me, "Lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "That's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent or the costs involved for "just a dog."

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."

Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and, in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."

"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy.

"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that makes me a better person.

Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future.

So for me, and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a human."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog," just smile....because they "just don't understand."


I used to care when people thought I was crazy for going what they considered to be "overboard" for my dogs.  But the past nearly nine years have thickened my skin to others' words on the topic.  Now, I just don't care.  These almost 9 years have taught me so much about myself and the world around me--not only through Sampson, but just in the path which my journey has taken me.  Having him by my side has certainly made it all better.  Cheers to my 8 and11/12 year old Sampson, who is SO much more than "just a dog."

Lonely only? (Pour Your Heart Out link-up)

I am linking up to pour my heart out with the blog titled "Things I Can't Say," so I am going to take this opportunity to let out things I can't seem to say in real-life conversations...

I am an only child.  I hate it.  I always hated it.  I started begging for a brother or a sister as soon as I could talk.  I remember being devastated when my cousins or friends got siblings and I was left alone.  I always wanted someone to play with and I felt very lonely a lot of the time.  I wished for another young person to play with on family vacations (though when I was older I was lucky enough to be able to take a friend).  I wanted to share a room--I wanted to share my toys...I just wanted SOMEONE who would always be there to share things with.  I wanted a sibling who would also get in trouble and not just me.  I was never a "bad" kid--I did great in school and never got into REAL trouble, I just talked back some and didn't clean my room very often.  I wanted someone who understood what life inside my house was like.  I never got it.  As my parents got older, I even begged them to adopt.  Didn't happen either.  By high school, I just had to accept it was just me...and I tried not to think about it anymore.  I hate it even more now that I am grown, my parents are getting older and have some health problems--my dad recently had bypass surgery after a heart attack and my mom is preparing for a double knee replacement (thankfully, they are both doing amazingly well).  It sure would be nice to have someone who feels what I am feeling through all of this...

I always said I would not have only one child--I could not do that to another human being.  But, to make a very long story very short, my husband's career and my desire to have a career of my own have changed my mind (along with a few other female-details, including complications after the last birth and endometriosis). To me, our family feels complete.  My husband never really wanted more than one kid, so when we had our amazing little girl, he KNEW we were complete from the start.  He says with one kid, we know we can give her everything she needs, most of what she wants (while teaching her to be grateful and giving, too, of course) and send her to college/help her out when she is on her own...but with two kids he would have to decide which one he liked the most and which one would have to join the Marine Corps.  Hahaha!  I don't exactly agree with that, but I see where he's coming from.  :)

The bottom line is, I feel like our family is complete.  I do not have a strong desire for it to grow in numbers--I'm not sure of the reasons behind that because I still feel very lonely in my only child life sometimes.  My daughter does not seem to feel the way I did at her age.  She always tells me she does not want brothers or sisters--that she wants to be the only baby that's been in my belly.  I'm not saying parents should base their child-creating decisions on what their current children want--I'm just saying she helps give me peace of mind that she is not feeling like I did as an only child.  She is much more independent than I was at her age; she's more independent than I was even when I was much older than she is right now.  She is very social and loves her friends, but she can entertain herself and enjoys alone time.  I think these are good traits! 

So, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO GIVE ME THEIR TWO CENTS ABOUT THIS TOPIC?!?!?!?  It seems that almost everyone has an opinion on only children--particularly my family's decision to have only one child--and is willing to share it.  To me, that's just plain rude.  I have heard it all--she will be antisocial (she's not); she will be selfish (she's not); she will never learn to be independent (she's the most independent 5-year-old I know); she'll never learn how to get along with others (not true); she will always feel lonely (I don't see that happening); she will never learn to appreciate things (totally not true); she will be a spoiled brat (seriously, who says that to a mother?); you will give her everything (we don't); she NEEDS siblings (why?) etc., etc., etc., and yada, yada, yada.

I do feel confident in my decision, yet I still get so defensive when people start this mumbo jumbo.  I feel like they are attacking me and my daughter (and my husband but that doesn't bother me as much because he 1. doesn't care what other people think and 2. has no problem standing up for himself/telling other people what HE thinks).  I am worried that I am making a mistake...but don't mom's worry about this in every aspect of their parenting?  It's a scary job--because it's an important job being a mother!

So, here and now, I am saying something I can't seem to actually say but that I NEED to say to all of those people who criticize--SHUT UP!  You are all up in the Kool-Aid but you do not know the flavor!  (For the record, I LOVE when I can use that line.  Ha!)  Mind your own business.  I'm not out there criticizing your parenting decisions or your family composition.  My daughter has all the basics she needs in her life--she is very well taken care of here.  Yes, she has many luxuries, but she also has the biggest, giving heart I can imagine.  She is kind and sweet.  She is a good friend.  She is happy.  She is smart.  And she is MINE.  MY mothering is helping her achieve her potential.  And the fact that she is an only child has no bearing on that.  Stop calling me selfish.  How is any of what I am doing selfish?  Is it because you think that I MUST be selfish because I am an only child?  Is it because I am pursuing a career that I believe is good for me AND my family and you think that doesn't make for a good mom?  Stop with the sterotypes and let our actions speak for themselves.  This decision is my husband's and mine...not yours.  If you want to have lots of children, then you do that for yourself.  I have no problems with large families--I have no problems with medium-sized families--I have no problem with people who choose not to have children.  The point is, it is a personal, family decision.  Please, please keep your thoughts to yourself.  Better yet, why don't you hold off on creating those thoughts and opinions unless you can get a better grasp of what is actually going on here and have some basis in reality on which to form said thoughts and opinions.  Oh, and while you're at it, check out this article from Time Magazine last year before you start making antiquated assertions about only children.

Whew!  It feels good to get that out!

Oh, and as for that article in Time, Buzz saw that and bought it for me last year.  I know it's not an academic journal--I feel like I need to make that disclaimer, you know, being in PhD school and all.  :)

My Soundtrack (and double link-up): The Better Ones Among Us

I am on my way out-of-town (again) for more dissertation research--which is another post (or 10) for another time.  But, the hotel where we stay has a very slow Internet connection, so I am going to try and get my song for the link up with Goodnight Moon up and running so I just need to link from the hotel.  I'm also linking up for the first time with Things I Can't Say for "Pour Your Heart Out" (which, by the way, I can't wait to do again).  Luckily, this post fits with both link ups this week--so I'm going to double-dip (hope that's okay) since I am so busy with work right now.  So, here it is...



(The video is a must-watch!  Great song with a great video message!)

My husband and I "communicate" through music while he is deployed. He sends me CDs with playlists he's made for me and I send him songs on the computer. He shared this song with me during his first deployment. (I could write a BOOK on the meaning of this song to HIM, but that's not my point here.)

As I continue down this tough, often frustrating journey of PhD school alongside everything else I am attempting do to do "well," I find myself taking on A LOT.  My first and foremost goal in my life is to be a good mom--which also includes being a good wife.  And this crazy decision to go back to school is related to that first goal...My goal with pursuing my chosen career path is twofold.  I LOVE teaching and think that having a job teaching at a higher level will make me happier and, thus a better mom.  But the research aspect is of importance, too.  There is so much sadness and suffering in the world that is really unnecessary.  Through my research, I hope to make a difference.  I know any difference I am lucky enough to make will be a small one.  But changing one life is an important change.  I want to help--I want to help give a voice to those who ordinarily don't have that luxury and I also want to help open opportunities for them.  As I have mentioned before, so much of my work is depressing.  I am working to bring POSITIVE RESULTS to a field where much of what we read and hear about is negative.  It's a tough process.  One of my favorite quotes comes from a sociologist/theorist: 

“…the evident genius of the human spirit lies in the hard fact of life that we, like our dogs…[are] limited in all the important ways… We cannot do all that our powerful minds trick us into thinking we can. In a word, this is the mystery of being human. Our finest nature is not our ability to think and do. It is that we do and think as we do in spite of the obstacles…On average, the better ones among us continue to think and do what they can with no assurance that solutions will be found.” --Charles Lemert


This is my life.  I'm working to be one of "the better ones among us."  I can't be sure (or even confident sometimes) that I am going to be a part of any meaningful solution to bring real change to better even a small portion of the world.  It sucks...sometimes it sucks more than other times.  I'm limited, but I don't think these are valid excuses NOT to keep trying. 

I used to want to change the whole world.  But, as this song recognizes, that's truly more than I can handle.  (And it drives me crazy just to think about it, so trying to work toward an unrealistic goal is a little insane.)  So, I'm attempting to use my skills, strengths, lucky opportunities, and blessed circumstances to reach beyond myself...and try to bring my share.