What's your song? DANCE Par-tay!

It's time again for the "What's your song?" link-up with Goodnight Moon! 

I love 90s music--especially the cheesy stuff that reminds me of my younger, crazier days.  You know, the stuff that makes you want to get up and dance and not even care who's watching?  Or, nowadays, I just jam out in the car and not care if the person at the stoplight next to me sees or hears.  Well, last summer, I was in the car and "Faded" by soulDecision came on the radio and *boom* I'm back in college, rockin' out!  I went home, found it on iTunes, and put it on the iPod.  This is all happening as I am insanely cramming for my first (of 3) PhD comprehensive exams...in social theory (gag).  So, on my way to and from the library, I would listen to this song to keep me grounded, keep me awake, keep me bouncing, and keep me in as good of a mood as possible--it was one of the songs I was able to just enjoy without analyzing the lyrics with social theory.  (I know...nerd alert AGAIN.)  Anywho, on the morning of the exam, I listened to it on repeat the whole way to the university to try and keep myself distracted/calm-ish.  I listened to it the whole way home after the grueling 5+ hours.  And, after about a month of worrying, not knowing the results of this horrible exam experience, I found out I passed...woo hoo!!!  So, now, this song has even more special meaning to me.  I'm getting ready to embark on my second comp exam--in methods.  I started to break out this song again, but I want to keep it special for theory.  So now I'm in the market for *new* older, bouncy song to keep my spirits up on this latest chase of successfully completing another 6ish hours knowledge regurgitation...I'm open to suggestions for a methods comp theme song!

Lonely only? (Pour Your Heart Out link-up)

I am linking up to pour my heart out with the blog titled "Things I Can't Say," so I am going to take this opportunity to let out things I can't seem to say in real-life conversations...

I am an only child.  I hate it.  I always hated it.  I started begging for a brother or a sister as soon as I could talk.  I remember being devastated when my cousins or friends got siblings and I was left alone.  I always wanted someone to play with and I felt very lonely a lot of the time.  I wished for another young person to play with on family vacations (though when I was older I was lucky enough to be able to take a friend).  I wanted to share a room--I wanted to share my toys...I just wanted SOMEONE who would always be there to share things with.  I wanted a sibling who would also get in trouble and not just me.  I was never a "bad" kid--I did great in school and never got into REAL trouble, I just talked back some and didn't clean my room very often.  I wanted someone who understood what life inside my house was like.  I never got it.  As my parents got older, I even begged them to adopt.  Didn't happen either.  By high school, I just had to accept it was just me...and I tried not to think about it anymore.  I hate it even more now that I am grown, my parents are getting older and have some health problems--my dad recently had bypass surgery after a heart attack and my mom is preparing for a double knee replacement (thankfully, they are both doing amazingly well).  It sure would be nice to have someone who feels what I am feeling through all of this...

I always said I would not have only one child--I could not do that to another human being.  But, to make a very long story very short, my husband's career and my desire to have a career of my own have changed my mind (along with a few other female-details, including complications after the last birth and endometriosis). To me, our family feels complete.  My husband never really wanted more than one kid, so when we had our amazing little girl, he KNEW we were complete from the start.  He says with one kid, we know we can give her everything she needs, most of what she wants (while teaching her to be grateful and giving, too, of course) and send her to college/help her out when she is on her own...but with two kids he would have to decide which one he liked the most and which one would have to join the Marine Corps.  Hahaha!  I don't exactly agree with that, but I see where he's coming from.  :)

The bottom line is, I feel like our family is complete.  I do not have a strong desire for it to grow in numbers--I'm not sure of the reasons behind that because I still feel very lonely in my only child life sometimes.  My daughter does not seem to feel the way I did at her age.  She always tells me she does not want brothers or sisters--that she wants to be the only baby that's been in my belly.  I'm not saying parents should base their child-creating decisions on what their current children want--I'm just saying she helps give me peace of mind that she is not feeling like I did as an only child.  She is much more independent than I was at her age; she's more independent than I was even when I was much older than she is right now.  She is very social and loves her friends, but she can entertain herself and enjoys alone time.  I think these are good traits! 

So, WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO GIVE ME THEIR TWO CENTS ABOUT THIS TOPIC?!?!?!?  It seems that almost everyone has an opinion on only children--particularly my family's decision to have only one child--and is willing to share it.  To me, that's just plain rude.  I have heard it all--she will be antisocial (she's not); she will be selfish (she's not); she will never learn to be independent (she's the most independent 5-year-old I know); she'll never learn how to get along with others (not true); she will always feel lonely (I don't see that happening); she will never learn to appreciate things (totally not true); she will be a spoiled brat (seriously, who says that to a mother?); you will give her everything (we don't); she NEEDS siblings (why?) etc., etc., etc., and yada, yada, yada.

I do feel confident in my decision, yet I still get so defensive when people start this mumbo jumbo.  I feel like they are attacking me and my daughter (and my husband but that doesn't bother me as much because he 1. doesn't care what other people think and 2. has no problem standing up for himself/telling other people what HE thinks).  I am worried that I am making a mistake...but don't mom's worry about this in every aspect of their parenting?  It's a scary job--because it's an important job being a mother!

So, here and now, I am saying something I can't seem to actually say but that I NEED to say to all of those people who criticize--SHUT UP!  You are all up in the Kool-Aid but you do not know the flavor!  (For the record, I LOVE when I can use that line.  Ha!)  Mind your own business.  I'm not out there criticizing your parenting decisions or your family composition.  My daughter has all the basics she needs in her life--she is very well taken care of here.  Yes, she has many luxuries, but she also has the biggest, giving heart I can imagine.  She is kind and sweet.  She is a good friend.  She is happy.  She is smart.  And she is MINE.  MY mothering is helping her achieve her potential.  And the fact that she is an only child has no bearing on that.  Stop calling me selfish.  How is any of what I am doing selfish?  Is it because you think that I MUST be selfish because I am an only child?  Is it because I am pursuing a career that I believe is good for me AND my family and you think that doesn't make for a good mom?  Stop with the sterotypes and let our actions speak for themselves.  This decision is my husband's and mine...not yours.  If you want to have lots of children, then you do that for yourself.  I have no problems with large families--I have no problems with medium-sized families--I have no problem with people who choose not to have children.  The point is, it is a personal, family decision.  Please, please keep your thoughts to yourself.  Better yet, why don't you hold off on creating those thoughts and opinions unless you can get a better grasp of what is actually going on here and have some basis in reality on which to form said thoughts and opinions.  Oh, and while you're at it, check out this article from Time Magazine last year before you start making antiquated assertions about only children.

Whew!  It feels good to get that out!

Oh, and as for that article in Time, Buzz saw that and bought it for me last year.  I know it's not an academic journal--I feel like I need to make that disclaimer, you know, being in PhD school and all.  :)

To My Daisy Duke

Dear Daisy,

As my youngest "child," I cannot believe that you are turning 3 this week.  In honor of your birthday, I would like to write you a note expressing my true feelings for you.  I know that it often seems that I can't stand you--and I know most of the other humans in our life accuse me of not loving you at all, or at least not loving you as much as Sampson.  Well, Daisy, my apologies.  I DO love you...a lot.  But maybe those perceptions come from some of our more crazy adventures together.  Like when you provoked one of the most humiliating days of my life by eating the bathroom trash.  You had done this many times before, but you never took out an entire trash can in one sitting.  So, I had to take you to the vet to induce vomiting of some very personal products.  And then, after getting myself back together from that embarrassing trip, you ate Daddy's decongestant nose spray which required another vet trip less than a month later--thankfully when you ingested cough drops and my thyroid meds, you did not require medical attention.  But I forgive you.  I have just accepted that I am the laughing stock of our vet's office.  It's fine.  And I've forgiven you for digging, chewing up non-toy items, scratching our front door, scratching our family and friends in your excitement, busting humans' noses and lips from jumping in your excitement, nearly pulling my arm out of socket on multiple walks when you see an animal, excessive crotch-sniffing, barking at everything that moves within a 100 yard radius of our house, and for having to rush home from school after you killed one baby bunny and injured this one...(in your defense, those rabbits really should know by now to take their families elsewhere).

I've also come to accept that in order to play with Sampson or give him any amount of rubbing, I must lock you outside.  Sampson seems to have forgiven you for never letting him have a toy of his own.  I now accept that I cannot do sit-ups or push ups without the extra weight of your head or paw on my body.  I am glad that we have finally found the right dose of calm down pill for our many trips so you no longer vomit in the car over, and over, and over again.  I no longer mind that your hair fills up vacuum cleaners and weaves itself into my clothes...and food.  Speaking of vacuums, I have come to the realization that you may never stop attacking them when I am trying to clean--and that you may always attack toys that move. 

And, despite all of these issues, I am so glad you are part of our family.  I know your entrance into this world was rough--with a sick mommy who literally lived to nurse you and your siblings before crossing the rainbow bridge herself.  I'm not sure how you grew so big--we were expecting you to be so much smaller...but that's just more of you to love, right?  However, you are not lap-dog size...but thankfully our friends are dog people, too, and accept your massiveness lovingly.

I want you to know that I appreciate the love that you show us all, no matter how socially awkward and strange it may be.  It's nice that you come when called--or even when you hear your name spoken from another room.  It is so amazing that you "crate up" with no hesitation and seem happy to do it.  I appreciate that fact that you are protective of our house, even though your gentle-giant-self would be scared senseless if someone entered the house--particularly if it was a man since you seem to fear human males.  I am thankful that you allow Sampson to use your butt as a pillow on a regular basis.  I love the way you let K dress you up and never complain. 

I know I can enjoy quiet during your nap times from about 2-4 (which you never gave up when K stopped napping) and every night after you put yourself to bed at 9 pm (even if it is on the furniture or my bed--but I am glad you are polite enough to respect off-limits furniture). 

You are a good dog, Daisy Duke, no matter what I or anyone else says in the heat of irritation or any other time.  You are a unique--one of a kind--furry member of our family.  I'm sorry we can't provide you the hunting life you want so bad--I know you would be good at that, if you had the opportunity other than with the wildlife in our backyard.  Your pointing stance is excellent...even when sitting.

I can't imagine how boring our lives would be without you.  And please know that we wouldn't laugh at you if we didn't love you so much...it's just the way we roll around here.  You know we've bonded over the #1 thing we have in common--our love for Sampson.  :)  He loves you, too...though he doesn't always show it.  Unless hiking his leg to pee on you is a sign of love.  Maybe he's trying to mark you as his territory?  Either way, Daisy, you have brought love, joy, and laughter into our lives.  You are sweet and cute--and if those things are overbearing, well, so bit it.  Happy birthday, my Crazy Daisy!  I DO love you!  ;)



(Baby Daisy-late 2008/early2009ish)





8+ years in the military life...and finally enjoying some perennials!

I've been married 8 1/4 years.  In those 8 years I have lived in 5 states, 3 base houses, 4 apartments, and 2 houses.  If you do THAT math, it becomes obvious that we don't stay in one place for long.  And that means we never truly get "settled."  To me, part of being settled is having things that I can enjoy over time in a place--like gardens and flowers.  The longest we have ever lived in one building is ALMOST 2 years--we lived in our house in Jacksonville, NC from October 2006 to July of 2008.  My husband was actually stationed at Camp Lejeune and we (mostly just K and me as Buzz was overseas most of that) were in J-Vegas until April of 2009 and those last months he was deployed, so we sold our house and moved on base for that--and we moved to TN 5 days after he returned that time.

We are getting ready to pass the 2-year mark at our house here in Tennessee.  We closed on the house on April 30, 2009.  This is the first place we have come even close to being "settled."  And I love it here, other than the allergies and the fact that we are way too far from the coast.  But I love the house, I love the neighbors, I love the area where we live.  It is the first place I felt like was more than just a house with walls.  And, though I often complain of not fitting in in this "civilian city," I know that our friends here are REAL friends.  They are not just friends with us because our husbands work together or because we are so lonely during a deployment (not that there is anything wrong with that at all and I have made some amazing friends that way--but it's just different and I always worry that people wouldn't be my friends if it weren't for our crazy situation).  But here, we are actually sort-of fitting into society...sort-of.

And one of the best parts of being at this house for an extended period of time (who outside of the military considers two years an extended period of time in one house?) is that I get to see my flowers come back this year for the SECOND year in a row.  WOO-HOO!  I have a secret desire to be active in gardening.  It hasn't happened yet because 1. we move all the time and 2. I haven't had the time to put into it (thanks to PhD school and the like) and 3. it would take a huge effort because I know nothing about plants.  But two falls ago, one amazing neighbor bought lots of tulip bulbs and another neighbor planted those bulbs in all three of our yards.  I remember the planting day...I was so excited that I was a part of some neighborly activity that did not include a deployment.  I felt like I fit in and like I belonged.  I became a real suburban homeowner in the who does these homey-things with her neighbors to make the street look nice.  In my head, it was awesome.  On the outside I just stood in my yard, made small-talk, and smiled.  On the inside I was doing cartwheels.

It was an exciting week last spring when our tulips started to bloom.  And we all talked about how pretty our shared tulips looked. This year, the tulips started poking through a couple of weeks ago...and my excitement began.  Late last week, the buds started getting bigger and this weekend the first full tulip opened up--ours was the first of the other shared tulips.  :)  And today, more are opening.  Something I didn't know before is that the tulips have TWO buds per bulb this year...and I am so happy I get to see it...and we SHOULD be here next spring to see my baby tulips have three buds. 

I know this is just a simple force of nature, but to me it is so much more.  It's symbolic of something I am experiencing for the first time in military wife life--staying in one place for an "extended" period of time and feeling like I fit in...and having my husband home to experience these joys WITH my daughter and me for an "extended" period.  (Though he's not nearly as excited about those tulips and K and I are.)  I'm enjoying it.  I know it's so simple, but I love to see these flowers open in the morning and close in the evening--the only downside is their beauty lasts only a short amount of time.  But it's here long enough to remind me of all for which I have to be thankful.

Here are some pics of the progression of the blooming tulips the past couple of days...and I've also put a link to another Sarah McLachlan song that sums up what is happening here--Ordinary Miracles, which are so much more than ordinary to me.  :)



Moon-Flavored Ice Cream

This evening, with the beautiful weather on our side, we decided to go get ice cream.  Buzz, K, K's friend, and I made our way to Bruster's.  YUM!  As we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed the full moon rising and Buzz told me that this weekend the moon is brighter than it's been in 20 years!  It is BEAUTIFUL!  This excursion, of ice cream and moon-gazing, took me back...  Do you have any of those memories that are so personal and special and warm your heart?  Do they get triggered randomly and take you back?  I do.  And eating ice cream under the moon brings back two such memories.

THE MOON
How can the moon be personal?  In oh so many ways... When I was a little girl, I remember my dad taking me out to look at the moon.  It was one of our "things."  It was so simple, yet so special.  I will never forget that--just like I will never forget him throwing me over his shoulder and us arguing over whether I was a sack of sugar or a bag of potatoes, or him playing the guitar singing me songs on our front porch before I went to bed...

Then, when a special aunt moved away when I was a little older (she reappears below) she reminded me that we could look at the moon at night.  And, since we were both looking at the same moon, we wouldn't feel so far away.  When Buzz went to boot camp and OCS, we tried looking at the moon at the same time, but it wasn't always up in the summer sky.  So, we (well, I did--I'm sure his schedule didn't always permit) looked at the sky every night at 9 pm.  I remember times when I would be out and about with friends and realize the time and dart out the door to have a moment with the moon and/or sky--and, for that moment, we were together.

When Buzz deployed for the first time after we became parents, K shared this love of the moon.  I can still see her tiny finger pointing and hear her barely-1-year-old little voice yelling "moooo, moooo."  I cherished those moments, reminded of my special times with my dad and Buzz and my long-distance relationships.

So, the moon tonight was even more special for me.  I called it to K's attention, though she wasn't as excited over it as she used to be.  I just called my dad to make sure he sees it.  :)

THE ICE CREAM SUMMER
That special aunt I just mentioned (B) moved to and from my hometown many times during my childhood--and so did her grandson, my second-cousin and best friend growing up (M).  One summer, both M and B lived in my hometown.  I stayed with my grandmother while my parents worked--after school and all day during the summers.  (My grandmother, for the record, is an absolutely amazing person...K is named after her.)  This particular summer when my aunt and cousin were in the 'Noke, M, M's mom, B, my grandma, and I went out pretty much every single day of the summer.  I have little recollections of exactly what we did--other than just being together and the fact that we ALWAYS went to Baskin Robins for ice cream.  We went there on the way to or from all of our other stops.  M and I always got this strange bubble gum ice cream and the other ladies thought it was gross and crazy.  I can't quite remember how we would chew the gum that was mixed in the ice cream while still eating that ice cream...but we did.  And I loved every day of that summer...we still call it The Ice Cream Summer.  It was a blessing, having such special people in my life--at the same time--every day.  I loved being dropped off at my grandma's excited for what the day would hold and what adventure we would go on each day.

That's it.  They may sound simple and these may be typical Beth-story-ramblings...but tonight, they were real again and to say those memories are heartwarming would be a huge understatement. 

The moon tonight from my front yard (I need a better camera)

The moon was but a chin of gold

A night or two ago,

And now she turns her perfect face

Upon the world below.

Her forehead is of amplest blond;

Her cheek like beryl stone;

Her eye unto the summer dew

The likest I have known.

Her lips of amber never part;

But what must be the smile

Upon her friend she could bestow

Were such her silver will!

And what a privilege to be

But the remotest star!

For certainly her way might pass

Beside your twinkling door.

Her bonnet is the firmament,

The universe her shoe,

The stars the trinkets at her belt,

Her dimities of blue.

~Emily Dickinson

My Soundtrack (and double link-up): The Better Ones Among Us

I am on my way out-of-town (again) for more dissertation research--which is another post (or 10) for another time.  But, the hotel where we stay has a very slow Internet connection, so I am going to try and get my song for the link up with Goodnight Moon up and running so I just need to link from the hotel.  I'm also linking up for the first time with Things I Can't Say for "Pour Your Heart Out" (which, by the way, I can't wait to do again).  Luckily, this post fits with both link ups this week--so I'm going to double-dip (hope that's okay) since I am so busy with work right now.  So, here it is...



(The video is a must-watch!  Great song with a great video message!)

My husband and I "communicate" through music while he is deployed. He sends me CDs with playlists he's made for me and I send him songs on the computer. He shared this song with me during his first deployment. (I could write a BOOK on the meaning of this song to HIM, but that's not my point here.)

As I continue down this tough, often frustrating journey of PhD school alongside everything else I am attempting do to do "well," I find myself taking on A LOT.  My first and foremost goal in my life is to be a good mom--which also includes being a good wife.  And this crazy decision to go back to school is related to that first goal...My goal with pursuing my chosen career path is twofold.  I LOVE teaching and think that having a job teaching at a higher level will make me happier and, thus a better mom.  But the research aspect is of importance, too.  There is so much sadness and suffering in the world that is really unnecessary.  Through my research, I hope to make a difference.  I know any difference I am lucky enough to make will be a small one.  But changing one life is an important change.  I want to help--I want to help give a voice to those who ordinarily don't have that luxury and I also want to help open opportunities for them.  As I have mentioned before, so much of my work is depressing.  I am working to bring POSITIVE RESULTS to a field where much of what we read and hear about is negative.  It's a tough process.  One of my favorite quotes comes from a sociologist/theorist: 

“…the evident genius of the human spirit lies in the hard fact of life that we, like our dogs…[are] limited in all the important ways… We cannot do all that our powerful minds trick us into thinking we can. In a word, this is the mystery of being human. Our finest nature is not our ability to think and do. It is that we do and think as we do in spite of the obstacles…On average, the better ones among us continue to think and do what they can with no assurance that solutions will be found.” --Charles Lemert


This is my life.  I'm working to be one of "the better ones among us."  I can't be sure (or even confident sometimes) that I am going to be a part of any meaningful solution to bring real change to better even a small portion of the world.  It sucks...sometimes it sucks more than other times.  I'm limited, but I don't think these are valid excuses NOT to keep trying. 

I used to want to change the whole world.  But, as this song recognizes, that's truly more than I can handle.  (And it drives me crazy just to think about it, so trying to work toward an unrealistic goal is a little insane.)  So, I'm attempting to use my skills, strengths, lucky opportunities, and blessed circumstances to reach beyond myself...and try to bring my share.

My Soundtrack: My Home (has no walls)

This song has been stuck in my head (again)...so I'm writing about it. 

Don Henley:  Taking You Home

I didn't have a "real" wedding.  I mean, I'm really/legally married, but we did not have an extravagant wedding for a variety of reasons--not the least of which is the fact that the good ol' USMC doesn't always make it easy to plan such events.  So, we got married in the church where I grew up, with my minister, with our two best friends as witnesses.  Then, we had a relatively informal "reception" with family and close friends.  We dressed up--Buzz was in his blues and I wore a white dress.  (It was actually a very plain white bride's maid dress--the big, fancy ones didn't look right on me.)  Anyway, if we DID have that big, fancy wedding--this would have been the song I would have chosen for our first dance.

We had only one pre-marital counseling session with my minister.  I remember him telling me that I would have to redefine home.  Home was no longer my hometown (where I had been my ENTIRE life--same house other than dorm rooms and apartments at college).  It was no longer a place.  There were no walls and there was no geographic boundary.  It was where my husband was--i.e. wherever the Marine Corps took us.  That was such a tough concept for me to grasp at the time.  It was hard to accept when it really happened.  I've come a long way.

"Home" is now with my family--here, there, or anywhere else.  I quickly learned what my minister was talking about--as we moved twice in the first 6 months we were married...and quite a few times since.  And this "home" has become even more significant since K was born. 

To me, the most important lyric in this song is "In this love, I found strength I never knew I had."  Beginning with the marriage and the moves in my new life, I found a part of me I didn't know was there.  Through having a daughter and going through deployments and more moves with her, I found that strength I never knew I had.  When I get down and start go fret about the hardships that military life brings (or am just irritated with my husband in general  :o) ), I always have to stop and remember that without falling in love with my husband and embarking on this journey, I may never have found the strength that was in there all along--just waiting to find its way out.  It's still going to be rough. I'm already worried about moving next year and concerned about all that surrounds a new-PhD trying to find a job.  It's not likely I will be able to get a job where my husband and I can live in the same house.  And we don't want to keep moving K all over the place--and I need to get a job where I can HOPEFULLY start working toward tenure without having to move yet again.  So I know the possibility exists that K and I will have to have a house that is separate from Buzz.  I don't like that idea.  But, I know that my home will still be the same.  Buzz will likely be deploying on a regular basis once we leave this duty station--so it's not like he would physically be in the house that much anyway.  And our home doesn't change--it's not bound by walls or filled with furniture.  It's filled with "this love"...and I have faith that this love who brought Buzz and me together and Kaitlyn into this world will continue to fill us all with the strength we need to handle whatever our careers throw at us.  In the meantime, I will still try not to waste time away, but will still look optimistically forward to Buzz's retirement from the Marine Corps--when we can be sure that our home fits in one house again.  :)