Sunday, April 3, 2011

Where do we go from here?

It's a full year (at least) until we move yet again.  But the talks and the hypothetical plans have already begun.  The what-ifs are piling up and driving me banana-sandwich (to use one of my fave Dane Cook phrases).  WHY are we doing this to ourselves?  And WHY can't we just be used to this by now?  Maybe because of my new position and need for a job--a career?  Maybe because we are hoping to retire in at least the general area of our next duty station?  I don't know why things seem more stressful this time--and it's not even "time" yet.  Good grief!

What worries me the most about all of this is that once we leave our civilian-town bubble again, I know what happens--the deployment cycle shows its ugly face again.  I can barely even stand the thought of that cycle becoming a reality...again.  I have never forgotten the challenges that go with every step of the deployment process.  Mostly, I can't shake the feeling of the empty tears that don't bring him home any sooner or how every time I say goodbye and drive home, I sit in front of our house bawling my eyes out and not wanting to go through the door because I feel like once I step foot into that house without him, it becomes real--I'm without him for far too long.

There are so many good things to look forward to in this next year and I'm working on living in the moment and soaking up all the togetherness that I can.  Unfortunately, there will still be a lot of separations during this time--as I write this I am in a different state and have been without him about 5 days and have a few more before we reunite.  No big deal--it's a week, right?  And we usually bicker a good portion of the time we are together anyway.  Hahaha!  But it's these separations (piled onto the dark cloud of the unknown of our future moves, etc.) that won't let go of those nagging feelings of being apart for so long.

[Deep breath.]  This only makes us stronger.  I think I can.  I think I can...

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