Preoccupied

It's that time again...to

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus lately with everything going on, but I can usually find time to

pour my heart out...

Papers need to be written, presentations need to be prepared, assignments need grading, the summer course needs to be prepared, dissertation work is piling up, that comp exam is right around the corner, the house needs to be cleaned, I would like to write a blog, the dogs need to be walked, I haven't spent enough FUN/play time with K, the grocery store trip has been put off too long and the list goes on...

Why am I so non-productive?  Writers block?  Generally.  Lack of motivation?  Most of the time.  Lack of coherent thoughts?  Always.  Lack of energy?  Uh, maybe.  Guilt?  That's the result from not being able to play with K as much as I want.  Laziness?  Could be.

But what's the REAL reason NOW?  Preoccupation.  My mind is elsewhere...

My mom had her double knee replacement yesterday.  Was I there?  No.  Guilt consumes me.  She says it is okay that I'm not there--my dad and my amazing aunt have been by her side.  But it's not me.  I'm getting stories and updates second-hand.  I will be there in a couple of days...but my mind is already there.  I want so much from this...for her.  My mom was never able to get down on the ground to play with me.  She couldn't run around outside.  She couldn't go for long walks on vacations.  I always wanted her to do these things with me.  Now, being a mother, I realize how difficult not being able to participate in those simple things must have been for her.  She is always there for me and is an amazing mom...and now she is also an amazing friend.  But I want so many things for her.  I want her to stand up without pain.  I want her not to struggle to walk.  I want her to go for a long walk on the beach, go to the zoo with my daughter.  I want the pain to be gone.

But for now, the pain is here.  It is incomprehensible to me.  She has lived with a level of pain that most people never experience on a daily basis for so long.  But now, it's a new chapter of pain.  She knows she must work through the pain and mental and physical hardships to be able to, for the first time in her adult life, do what most people can do without a second thought.  She will learn to walk again.  She will have to stand first.  It will be painful.  It will be hard.  She will overcome.  But I want to be there.  I need to be there.  I am trying to tell myself this is not what she needs me for.  She needs me to be there later...when we are walking at the zoo, when she can keep up with us without us slowing down.  When she can "show off."  I want so much for her.  But, for me, I want to be there...now, not Friday, now.

But I'm here.  And, in the meantime, I will look forward to phone updates from others and brief phone conversations with my mom.  And I will try to check off some things on the to-do list.  But I will remain preoccupied.